I'm really thinking I should just have John come home.

It's getting to the point that if I don't, Natalie and I are going to end up homeless anyway. Either that or I should just see if he can get the plane tickets and have us come over now since it does look like he's got a job. All he has to do is sign the contract but he was waiting to hear back from his first choice first. I don't know. I'm really starting to get depressed, SEVERELY depressed and my self-esteem is starting to take a HUGE nosedive. I'm tired of not being wanted. I'm tired of just being tolerated as long as something can be gotten from me and the minute that ends, I have to go. I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder what the point is to this messed up existence is anymore. I'm in the way. I'm ALWAYS in the way. Here, I'm in the way of my sister getting back with her husband. He won't come home while I'm here. I thought I was here to help because she's been so stressed out having to take on the kids on her own. No, it's been more I'm here to help out and to do all of the dishes and all the other things she doesn't want to do while she goes out and lives it up on the town. I give her the stuff I have left from Natalie, was going to be giving her my crib, everything I had left from when Natalie was a baby and this is what I get for it. I'm getting completely and totally screwed...AS USUAL.

I don't know what to do. I'm sick of being used by everyone in my family. I'm sick of being just BARELY tolerated by my OWN FAMILY just so that they can get what they want out of me. I'm sick of not being loved by the very people who SHOULD love me. This is the one thing that time and time again (and I have to keep going through things like this to see it) brings me back to John and to our marriage and has me trying again and again even when I want to throw the towel in. I KNOW he loves me. He tolerates me a lot more than my family does (at the very least, he doesn't insist I need to be on meds), and his love has NEVER had strings attached. He has loved me for ME; for better or for worse, no matter how difficult I have gotten. I've never had anyone like that in my life. I have NEVER EVER EVER felt that way in my family. I have NEVER felt that they loved me no matter what. It always felt like any minute, I could lose their love. It always felt like I was just being merely tolerated because they HAD to tolerate me. I had to be on medication for crying freaking loud just to be able to LIVE AT HOME! And I'm sick of it, bloody doggone sick of it. I want my husband back. I want him home or us there or whatever, I don't care anymore. I want to be with my husband and be LOVED again.

I cannot move my daughter again. This isn't fair for her. She's been holding up SO WELL and I just don't know how many more times I can do this before she just plain loses it. And I wouldn't blame her at all. I'm about to lose it myself! I just can't do it anymore. It will be three months that he left tomorrow and I can't do this anymore. I miss him. I want to be with him, I NEED to be with him. I'm slowly losing hope about everything the longer I'm away from him. I need to leave and finally get my life together, be away from all the problems and all the drama that is going on that I can never really seem to get away from. Moving to Beaver Dam wasn't enough. I need to move somewhere where it is too hard for me to come back when things go bad. I need to move somewhere where I can't be dragged into the problems of my family so easily. I just want my life to be different from what I grew up with. I want my daughter to grow up in a different world than I did. I want her to know she's loved and to know that her mom and dad are THERE whenever she needs them. I just can't do this anymore. I'm too tired, too depressed, and just too broken down to be able to do this much longer. *sigh*