It's been a really crazy year with an overseas move, a new baby, and a HUGE readjustment for EVERYONE. I'm incredibly grateful that I got through the year in once piece and got to have my VBAC to boot. I'm very thankful for friends who have been there for me who have helped me out greatly and continue to help me out. I will never be able to repay that debt but truly truly appreciate everything they have done for me.
These past couple of months since John and Natalie have returned home have not been the easiest. It's been (like I mentioned) a huge readjustment. John's reaction to major changes and milestones in our family have been to delve deeper into his religious beliefs, beliefs that I just don't have (though I have tried to go along with them). I don't know what this will mean for us. This year marks the beginning of a new decade. Ten years ago, my life was very much different. I was 20; I was going to college. I had at least somewhat of an idea what I wanted with my life. My parents were still around and my family still consisted of them and my siblings. John was a part of that life but sort of a fringe part of it as we were not yet married. My life changed drastically during that decade in a way I never thought it would. I'm hoping that this decade will be more stable and I will figure out what direction I want to go in.
At times, I feel lost. I don't know where I want to go much less how to get there. I have no path for I haven't even gotten out of the driveway. I know that there is more to life than this. I know that I have talents that grow rusty from disuse. I used to sing. I used to play the piano. I used to write. I read things others write, people who are years younger than me and wonder how it is that they seem to know SO MUCH more than I do. I don't just feel lost, I feel like my own intelligence is slipping, that my life has lost meaning and purpose and I don't know exactly what to do about that. I have made mistakes, many mistakes, the big one being letting others tell me what my purpose in life should be based upon some book. I have let others put me in "my place" because I felt that that what I was supposed to do and in doing so have allowed myself to become almost nothing. And that needs to change. I don't know who I am anymore but I hope that sometime in the next decade, I figure that out. I can't keep going on like this, having no purpose other than to birth and raise children. Not that this isn't a noble cause because it is and I don't wish for that to end at all but only want to add to it. I just need to figure out how. I just need to find myself again and maybe, find God too.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
John and Natalie are back in the USA.
Thank goodness! He did have to hand over his bank card though which just really ticks me off. The way some of these employers treat their employees over there...seriously I do not AT ALL recommend teaching in Korea. It is the BIGGEST scam EVER. The sad thing is we've been pretty lucky compared to other people I've talked to. Some have literally gone through their savings being over in that country and have gotten screwed by their employers in the end. There's just not enough protection for English teachers over there. I wish he had called me so I could have told him that what she was doing was ILLEGAL, that whoever sponsored his visa HAD to pay for his plane ticket but I'm sure he felt especially vulnerable being there with our four year old. This whole thing has been a NIGHTMARE. While there were some okay aspects and it was nice to have a chance to check out a large city, job wise, it sucked. It's one of those nice place to visit but you do NOT want to live there. I don't know how people who do live there long term do it. They obviously have had better luck than we did. Hopefully he won't end up losing his whole pension and hopefully we can start rebuilding our lives and put this whole nightmare behind us. I'm just SO GLAD I did not stay there to have the baby. It would have been SO MUCH worse if we all had been over there.
Just waiting for him to call again so I can let him know about his ride.
Just waiting for him to call again so I can let him know about his ride.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Shouldn't have said anything.
The tickets were canceled; John and Natalie are not coming home. I don't know when they are or what they are going to do. The school coordinator is being a real witch because John wouldn't hand over his bank card. His pension is being put into that bank account and she would have had TOTAL access to a substantial amount of money! Way too easy for her to decide to just clean him out and sorry, no, after the crap he's been put through, we do NOT trust this woman to not just clean him out for various so called bills and things he owes (but would never see the paperwork on it, of course).
I'm depressed; I'm stressed; I'm worried. I'm unsure what to do and I feel so incredibly helpless. I could just kick myself for not bringing Natalie back when I had the chance. I should have because while John could maybe figure something out if he had to, with Natalie, that just really complicates things. They very well could end up not having any where to go at some point with no money or job prospects.
I'm depressed; I'm stressed; I'm worried. I'm unsure what to do and I feel so incredibly helpless. I could just kick myself for not bringing Natalie back when I had the chance. I should have because while John could maybe figure something out if he had to, with Natalie, that just really complicates things. They very well could end up not having any where to go at some point with no money or job prospects.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
In just a few more days...
...John and Natalie will be home. I'm SO SO GLAD that they are coming home though not entirely happy at the circumstances that lead to this. John is coming home having been terminated for his job. The reason? Something about the parents not liking him. *sigh* It's just stupid one can be fired over there for something so petty but that's one of the HUGE drawbacks of working over there as an ESL teacher. And there isn't much protection for teachers there so, not much that can be done. John was going to look into another job but heard nothing from recruiters. I hate to say it but no doubt the fact that he had our four year old daughter there with him was a factor. So, having his plane ticket (and I guess Natalie's too) paid for by the school coordinator he was working for at the job before the one that fired him is getting him home, thank goodness. Of course, I won't feel sure about it all until he's actually here, I still expect some SNAFU to come up but I'm hoping all the same that it won't and he and my little girl will be here with me by Sunday night which (seeing that that is the day before my birthday) would be the best birthday/anniversary present of all.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Isabelle's Birth Story: The Short Version
Finally getting some time to get on and type some of it out. This won't be the long version since that would include everything leading up to the final three days. I'm just going to cut to those final three days for now.
Saturday, July 17th was my due date and it had more or less come and gone without too much in the way of contractions or anything. I would have some here and there but maybe three an hour and nothing that I couldn't handle. I couldn't help but feel a little frustrated. I knew that there was a chance I would go past the due date since I had with Natalie but with Isabelle being in a good position and everything, I had gotten kind of hopeful that she would come earlier. It wasn't so much that I was impatient for her to come out because realistically, I knew that babies are harder to take care of outside than in but I was concerned that if she took too long to come out that my chance of a VBAC would end up being none and everything I did up to that point would be for nothing. I tried not to think about it though knowing that I still had three days before we even reached the gestational age Natalie was born at.
Sunday morning, the contractions I had been having all day Saturday started getting more intense and more in the back so I started to think that maybe this was it. I woke my friend (and acting doula) Tami up and she came down to help me out. After some time, she told me I should give the midwife a call and she would start boiling water for the pool so we could add some hot water in. She also added some hot water with the hose, getting water all over in the process. I gave the midwife a call and she said she would be on her way. When the water on the stove start boiling, Tami started to bring those down and add them to the pool. Eventually, the water warmed up enough that I was able to get in but Tami continued to boil water so that we could heat it up more since it was still a little cool. It was nice being in the tub and the labor calmed down a little but still continued. Neither one of us was really keeping an eye on the timing of the contractions, but we knew that we were still more or less at the beginning. I had music playing in on the computer and just in general, I was sort of veggie out, trying to remain relaxed and prepare for what would be coming up ahead.
Brenda, the midwife, arrived. The plan was that she would stay and help with labor as a montrice where basically, she would be labor support but she could also check on me and on the baby and she could check dilation. I had determined beforehand that I would get as close to transition as possible before going to the hospital. For sure, I wanted my dilation to be past where I had gotten with Natalie before I ended up with the cesarean. It was very important for me to reach that point and I did not want to go to the hospital before that at all. Still, we also wanted to not do checks too often so somehow, we had to sort of make a balance there.
I was talking to John when she arrived and she said "hi" to him and to Natalie. She wanted to check on me and the baby so I laid down on the bed in order for her to do that. Blood pressure was fine but it took her awhile to find the baby's heartbeat and I was a little nervous about that. I had been feeling Isabelle moving around so she had been fine but I know too that things can happen very quickly so I was worried that something was wrong but she did find the heartbeat and all was well. At some point, I went offline, telling him I would call him again if there was more and most of the time, I just focused on getting through the contractions in various ways. Tami gave me a lot of suggestions including walking around and made sure I was eating and drinking making me a cantaloupe smoothie and refilling my water bottle. Around 7, I started to get tired and thought I would try to get some sleep. I was able to sleep a little, maybe a couple of hours and woke up and the contractions had settled down. Brenda and I decided to do a check to see where I was at and I was pretty disappointed to hear I was only at 1 cm. How frustrating! Here, I thought that the contractions not just that morning but also from Thursday night on had been doing something. She did say that I was pretty effaced, just not dilated much so something was happening, just not much dilation, at least not yet. So, we talked and she was thinking that the baby was working on getting into position and that was why I was having the contractions but that she's probably not in the ideal position for dilation yet. Therefore, she suggested that I go to the pool, get on hands and knees and use that to help things out and maybe that would get things going better. She also recommended taking more of the cal/mag that I had been talking and Tami had some supplements to help with relaxing as well so that I could get more sleep. She left and I went back to bed, sleeping off and on until around 2pm.
I woke up and decided I would try to get to the pool. Tami agreed to drive me and when I finished getting ready, she had decided we would all go (encouraged by her five-year-old daughter). We went to the pool and I spent the time just relaxing in the water and trying to encourage Isabelle to move into the right position. I was having some contractions here and there but not very many, just a few or so per hour. We didn't spend too long there but it was nice to get out to the pool and have that time to relax, especially since I knew that it would probably be the last time I would get to the pool anyway.
At around 1 or 2 am, I was up with contractions again. They were in my back which was not making it easy on me. I woke Tami up and she started boiling water again. I walked around and did other things to try and help with the contractions and the back pain. Tami helped with that too, rubbing my back when I was having contractions. It was pretty similar to the night before and eventually, they started dying down and I was getting tired. Throughout the day though, I would wake up with contractions and eventually, I figured out that whenever I needed to pee, I would get a contraction and my back would hurt. By this point, it was REALLY hard to pee. I would have to lean to the side to really get much out and I wasn't feeling comfortable at all since by this time, the contractions were mostly in my back. Nothing steady or regular but I was in pain. I called Brenda mentioning that my bladder filling was causing the contractions and she suggested going to a chiropractor to get some help with baby's position through an adjustment. Tami scheduled an appointment for me and we left around 5 after Tami made me a really yummy green smoothie with dates and lots of greens. The car ride wasn't too much fun though with the contractions I was having and leaning back in the seat was definitely not comfortable.
The chiropractor was actually someone I had gone to school with which I thought was kind of funny. He noticed that my back (especially lower back) was pretty tight but my pelvis was nice and loose and he figured I would have the baby in the next three days. He asked me when I was due and I told him "two days ago." He mentioned that that meant he wouldn't have to be careful avoiding certain areas while working on my back. He was a little surprised to hear that I had not seen an OB in two weeks (I canceled my last appointment) and felt I needed to get in ASAP. I had figured that if I hadn't had the baby by the next day, I would since it would be past the gestational age Natalie was when she was born but the chiropractor seems very nervous especially since I was attempting a VBAC and Natalie had weighed almost 9 and a half pounds. He worked on my back a little, trying to loosen things up but he didn't do much in the way of actually adjusting me. He then recommended a cold pack and to come back if I hadn't had the baby by Wednesday.
Before going home, we stopped at the food coop for some stuff. We stopped at the bathroom first and I ended up in there for awhile after they left dealing with some contractions. It really was not fun needing to pee that day because it would trigger a contraction each time. Things did seem to be getting slightly more intense so I was having to do a little more to get through them. I called Brenda while I was there and she recommended getting some more rest and maybe even getting some wine to help with relaxing. If things were still the same, maybe book another chiropractor appointment. At this point, I was almost dancing with the contractions and leaning forward against the shopping cart. I'm sure I was getting some fairly weird looks while I was there but I wasn't paying too much attention. I did remember to pick up some massage oil since John had finally sent me money so I did that and then we all went home. I had some dinner and a little bit of wine which made me sleepy. Thinking I would try and get some sleep, I took an ice pack down to the room with me, put it to my back and tried to get some sleep.
I did sleep for maybe an hour or so before waking up to contractions. Not wanting to wake Tami up yet again, I tried to relax and go back to sleep, readjusting the ice pack. Didn't work. I kept going back and forth to the stairs to lean over them during the contractions. I was also constantly going to the bathroom (thank goodness I didn't have to go upstairs to do that because that would have been such a pain!) so I was walking from the bedroom to the stairs to the bathroom getting more and more frustrated and aggravated and just plain to the point where I could not deal with it anymore. I wanted the baby out NOW! and was thinking that I didn't care HOW she came out either! I was tired and the thought of another night of this back pain was enough to drive me insane. I was swearing, groaning, almost screaming in frustration and even anger, calling out to a higher power, and the whole bit hoping SOMETHING would happen. Finally, I had had enough and called Brenda and told her that I couldn't take it anymore, it was getting too hard, it hurt too much and I really just couldn't do it. She told me she would come up, check me out, and we would talk and see what our options are. After I got off the phone with her, I called Tami--again.
This time, I had no desire to go into the pool so I told her not to even bother with the water. Just had no interest in it at all. Tami helped me through some contractions rubbing my back and I would just lean forward. She went upstairs and I had some contractions and was using the stairs again for those. Unfortunately, I dropped that idea entirely when, during one of my contractions, a spider ran out at me! I screamed! Mind you, I'm not a big fan of spiders and having one run out at me almost in my face during a contraction was not a fun day, let me tell you. That idea abandoned, I went upstairs. Tami suggested trying some things out during the contractions, one of which just didn't work for me. I really could not be in any position where I was either straight or leaning back at all and definitely could not be on my back. Anything that got me leaning forward was the best. But I kept trying things out and what I was doing was leaning forward at the counter in the kitchen and sort of lightly bouncing from one foot to another while Tami rubbed my lower back hard. That helped out a lot. The rubbing part was VERY important in helping the back labor and without that, I would not have gotten through those contractions. I also focused a lot on the swirls in the counter; that also seemed to help a lot. I also walked around and that was okay but leaning forward was definitely the best position for me.
Around two or so, my water broke. Now, it wasn't a gush or anything and I wasn't sure if it was my water but I was feeling trickles coming down and my panties were getting pretty wet. I was also getting more bloody show and had gotten a bit of mucus at one point too. Tami gave me a pad and I put that on so that I wasn't leaking all over. She made me a drink of apple cider vinegar and honey and I was drinking that. She also made sure I was drinking water and getting some food in me, I think a banana and maybe some grapes too. By the time Brenda arrived at around 3:30 or so, things were getting more intense. I was noticing that the contractions were getting closer together and were getting longer. It didn't seem like there was much time at all between the end of the one contraction and the beginning of the next.
We decided to do a vaginal check on me. That wasn't easy because I kept having contractions and it HURT to be on my back, I could not stand it AT ALL! But I was able to get on my back for a little bit, long enough for her to check me and she told me, "You are farther along than you were with Natalie!" I was SO HAPPY! I had reached a big milestone for myself and that really helped me emotionally to continue on. She also checked my blood pressure and on the baby and we both were doing well. I still had contractions to get through and both Tami and Brenda helped me through them encouraging me and giving me suggestions like making low sounds and encouraging me some more and rubbing my back and making sure I drank and got to the bathroom. Around 4, Tami decided to take her daughter to the babysitter's and I decided it was time to call John since I figured it wouldn't be long before we would leave for the hospital. I called him and he told me he was still half an hour from home. That was about all I could really do because the contractions were making it hard to talk so I passed the phone to Brenda. Not much was said though and the call ended pretty soon after that.
Contractions were getting closer and closer together and it wasn't very long before I asked her to do another check since I was feeling that it was time to go to the hospital. I think it was close to 4:30 and I was at 8 cm. Tami came back shortly after that and we got things together to get to the hospital. I didn't call labor and delivery, sort of forgot about that but I was well beyond the "call when you get contractions 5 minutes apart" rule that the OB had given me (which was part of the plan, HELLO, was NOT going to be at the hospital for interventions any longer than I had to!). I followed Tami out to her van and I remember it was still dark and quiet out since it was not quite 5am. I got into the back of the van and into the seat on my knees sort of leaning over the seat. Tami starts driving and I watch everything go by the window while having contractions and sort of wonder what would happen if we were to get pulled over.
We get to the hospital and Tami drives past the ER, which had been moved, and drove towards the area where the old ER used to be. I reminded her that the ER had been moved and that she had driven past it. She ends up having to turn around to head back to where the new ER is. We pull up and she opens the door and I get out. I didn't have my shoes on so I walk to the desk bare foot. I let the person at the desk know that I'm there to have a baby and I was already registered. It took a little bit for her to understand and get things going, especially since I had failed to call L&D (gee, sorry, was a little busy having CONTRACTIONS!). Brenda comes in and before too long an orderly (or nurse? who knows!) shows up with a wheel chair. I get in. Tami goes to park her car and Brenda follows (or maybe it was the other way around?! I forget now!). I'm having contractions while the guy is wheeling me down the hall and he tells me that I have to wait because he's NOT ready to deliver a baby for the first time! lol I thought that was pretty funny. It was a LONG trip though! Goodness! We had to go down all these halls, to an elevator, up a couple of floors, down more halls, to the skywalk, across the skywalk, to another elevator, up a couple more floors, and down more halls until we get to L&D. Then, they're about to wheel me into room #4 when I say something about how I keep ending up in that room! In fact, it's where I was when I was in labor with Natalie and it's where I had been just a couple of weeks ago when I got sent up to L&D to check on the baby because her heartrate was just a little high. So, instead of taking me to room #4, we go into room #2 and he wheels me in saying excitedly, "She's having contractions 1 minute apart!" Brenda leaves, going with the orderly to get back to her car since she had been called to another birth and Tami stayed (she had caught up with us by then). I get out of the wheel chair and into the bathroom where I get changed into a gown. By now, it's past 5am.
I get settled and then it's time to start dealing with the fun stuff. Bleh. They're asking me questions, half I don't even remember now but some of them were just stupid like whether I was taking prenatal vitamins. Someone comes in to take my blood (the vampires have to get in before daylight, you know!) and the nurse decides that I need to be tested to determine if the fluids leaking are in fact from the amniotic sac. This meant lying on my BACK! Did I mention that it HURT to lie on my back, especially during a contraction? It was not fun having to lie on my back a FULL MINUTE for this stupid test. Then, they want to do a vaginal exam. That I should have declined but I was kind of focusing on other things so wasn't really thinking at that point. A resident comes in and he checks and then the nurse checks and they stand and talk for a moment to come to a consensus and finally they decree, "5 cm!" Um, WHAT?! I was at an 8 when I left the house! Tami mentioned later that she had forgotten to warn me about this, that other people may not come to the same conclusion as to how far along I was. Then comes the fun part. I have to get an IV. I HATE IVs. I got one with Natalie and it was worse than the stupid contractions! I did not want one.
"The doctor won't even work with you if you don't get one," the nurse tells us. I should have called her bluff but again, wasn't quite thinking of that at that point. I was sort of like fine, just get it over with but do it right! Unfortunately, the nurse I had did not do it right. She tries my right hand and blows the vein. Great. Not only did it hurt like heck but now, I'm bleeding all over the place and she has to do it again. So then she tries my left arm. And AGAIN, blows the vein. Um...okay, you want me to have an IV but you can't get it in? The OB comes in at that point with the resident doctor and the first nurse and starts giving me this whole spiel on how I'm such a high risk patient and that normally they would recommend that I just have a repeat cesarean and blah blah blah blah blah. I end up signing yet ANOTHER form saying that I will not hold anyone responsible if something were to happen in my attempt at a vaginal birth and my baby ends up harmed or killed in the process (or something to that effect). The OB leaves the room. The anesthesiologist comes in. Thank goodness it's the one I had spoken to just a couple of weeks ago. She's really nice and she had been great answering all of my questions for me. I asked her what was in the IV and she told me that it was just nutrients and stuff like that. She gave me a numbing shot in my hand, waited a minute or so, and then put the IV in and that time it took and it didn't hurt at all! Now, why can't they just use an anesthesiologist in the first place instead of a nurse?!
Then she leaves and the first nurse is trying to monitor the baby. I refuse to go on the bed because I did not want to lie down. I sat in the large comfy chair that was in the room but I try not to lean back much because, again, it hurt. Trying to use a belt on me was impossible so she had to hold the monitor to my belly. I try to cooperate as best as I can but also try to remain as comfortable as possible during the contractions. Tami had grabbed some of my stuff including the massage oil and she had put some on my back after asking me if that was what I wanted. When I wasn't getting checked for something, I would tell her to rub my back whenever I had a contraction. I was almost demanding about it too! A contraction would hit and I would say, "Rub!" I guess that's kind of one of those signs of intense labor, the laboring woman doesn't say "please", lol. Still, other than a number of "Oh l---!" and maybe some "OM-", I really didn't do much swearing, if any. I think I was kind of shy about that or either that or I really do just swear when I'm angry. lol
I was kind of worried because it had seemed like the contractions backed down a little. They didn't seem to be quite on top of each other as they were before I left the house. I also sort of entered a quiet stage, I seemed to be more focused inwardly or something. It's hard to describe. Even though I was at the hospital though, the thought of drugs didn't really enter my mind, even when I was told I was only at 5 cm. I was glad to be clear headed and it was definitely much easier to deal with the pain NOT being under any drugs, even IV meds. Fortunately, no one said a thing about drugs or even suggested them and I kept getting through the labor one contraction at a time.
Not long after that, I had this urge (WARNING: TMI) to poop. It was a very strong urge so I went into the bathroom and I tried to go but it was like having the WORST case of constipation EVER. I could not poop. Not at all. But I was feeling the urge so I was pushing, trying to poop. I had also been pushing a little here and there during the labor as I felt the urge to. Nothing major but just bearing down a little here and there. This urge started to get stronger but sometimes, if I did bear down too much, it would sting a little so I would stop. But the urge kept getting stronger. Around 7, there was a shift change and I got two of the SWEETEST nurses EVER. They were GREAT. They encouraged me to lean on them and just gave me some great support. Tami was there giving me support too and it was just the four of us women in there. I was still getting the urge to poop and getting very restless because of it. I wasn't really feeling any back pain anymore just this incredibly insane urge to poop! I ask to be checked and one of the nurses checks me and tells me I'm at 8 cm. I tell them I feel like I have to push and the nurse tells me not to but I really could not hold back so I keep bearing down kind of during the contractions (having read a number of articles talking about the wisdom in listening to our body when it says to PUSH!). At one point, and I have NO IDEA why I did not think of this before, I squat down next to the bed because it just seemed like a good thing to do. lol I think by this time, I was going mostly on instinct or something. I tell them to check me again because it feels like the baby is going to come out! One of the nurses checks me while I'm squatting and tells me that I'm complete! Tami's all excited, saying, "You can push now!"
So, I'm thinking, okay, I'll push right here! lol And I sort of tell them that and the nurses are like, "Oh no no, you have to get in bed!" Aww man! So, I get up into the bed, and I mean, really, she feels like she's very close to coming out, like I don't even have to push and she's going to come out any moment now but I get into the bed, on hands and knees, butt towards the bottom of the bed. People are rushing in, the OB (who I am sure is surprised that I'm already ready to push) is telling me what position to be in! You have got to be kidding me! I have to get OFF the bed?! I had to get off the bed, go to the side of the bed, get back in and scoot down with my butt at the bottom of the bed before I can push! FINALLY, he says push and I'm like OK! I push with everything I have but pull back a little when I feel some stinging then push even more. I felt a head passing through, then a shoulder, and then this very weird slippery feeling as the rest of her body passes through and Isabelle makes her grand appearance!
"You did it!" Tami says and I sit there in shock as I realize that I just gave birth vaginally, an experience that I did not get to have when I had Natalie just four and a half years before. It was the most amazing thing in the world and I had never felt so empowered in my life. I have a baby! It was simply amazing! And with that feeling came a high like I had never felt before.
Isabelle had some out a little on the slimy side. Unbeknown to us, she had passed meconium and was COVERED in it, and I mean covered, she was GREEN. lol But she was healthy and crying and had a full head of hair just like her sister did. I was still kind of in shock due to everything happening so quickly so I didn't think to demand that she be handed to me instead of her being taken over to the warmer to be suctioned out and stuff. In the meantime, the OB was waiting for the placenta to be ready to come out and when it was, he told me to push again, and it came out quickly and easily. He sort of tossed it into a pan and that was that but I was just kind of absorbing everything and still getting used to the idea that I had a baby. He had to stitch me up as I had a second degree tear so he did that and there was a short time there where we were separated but it wasn't too long before they brought her over to me and I was able to look down at this precious little bundle. It took me a few minutes more before I thought to nurse her and the nurses helped me get situated so I could do that. She latched on and nursed like a champ. The wishes I had in my birth plan regarding the Vitamin K shot, the Hep B shot, and the eye drops were respected, I just had to sign a waiver which they gave to me right there to sign. Eventually everything got done and everyone left and that's when I remember that I never did get the computer set up and online so that John could watch the birth so I got that set up and I also started making phones calls to let everyone know that Isabelle had arrived.
And yes, believe it or not, that IS the short version. lol I'm sure I have already forgotten things and left things out but I did the best I could remembering everything that happened in those three days. I have no doubt at all that I would not have been able to do this if I had not had the wonderful labor support I did. Tami especially was amazing waking up for me in the middle of the night, three nights in a row, boiling water and bringing the pots down the stairs to the rec room, making sure I ate and drank, and in general, being very supportive and encouraging when I needed it most. Brenda was great as well and I totally appreciated the time she took to come up and be with me as a labor support and to help me stay at home as long as possible. I wish everything had come together for a homebirth but this was the second best scenario and it as well as it could go considering everything I had to go against (including massive weight biases). I had gone through SO much on this journey and learned a lot about myself along the way. I'm confident now that if I do become pregnant again, I can find a way to have the birth I want to have and that what I need to have a successful birth is a good support team. That is what EVERY woman should have.
And of course, it wouldn't be a birth story without a picture:
This was taken the day we went home from the hospital when she was two days old.
Saturday, July 17th was my due date and it had more or less come and gone without too much in the way of contractions or anything. I would have some here and there but maybe three an hour and nothing that I couldn't handle. I couldn't help but feel a little frustrated. I knew that there was a chance I would go past the due date since I had with Natalie but with Isabelle being in a good position and everything, I had gotten kind of hopeful that she would come earlier. It wasn't so much that I was impatient for her to come out because realistically, I knew that babies are harder to take care of outside than in but I was concerned that if she took too long to come out that my chance of a VBAC would end up being none and everything I did up to that point would be for nothing. I tried not to think about it though knowing that I still had three days before we even reached the gestational age Natalie was born at.
Sunday morning, the contractions I had been having all day Saturday started getting more intense and more in the back so I started to think that maybe this was it. I woke my friend (and acting doula) Tami up and she came down to help me out. After some time, she told me I should give the midwife a call and she would start boiling water for the pool so we could add some hot water in. She also added some hot water with the hose, getting water all over in the process. I gave the midwife a call and she said she would be on her way. When the water on the stove start boiling, Tami started to bring those down and add them to the pool. Eventually, the water warmed up enough that I was able to get in but Tami continued to boil water so that we could heat it up more since it was still a little cool. It was nice being in the tub and the labor calmed down a little but still continued. Neither one of us was really keeping an eye on the timing of the contractions, but we knew that we were still more or less at the beginning. I had music playing in on the computer and just in general, I was sort of veggie out, trying to remain relaxed and prepare for what would be coming up ahead.
Brenda, the midwife, arrived. The plan was that she would stay and help with labor as a montrice where basically, she would be labor support but she could also check on me and on the baby and she could check dilation. I had determined beforehand that I would get as close to transition as possible before going to the hospital. For sure, I wanted my dilation to be past where I had gotten with Natalie before I ended up with the cesarean. It was very important for me to reach that point and I did not want to go to the hospital before that at all. Still, we also wanted to not do checks too often so somehow, we had to sort of make a balance there.
I was talking to John when she arrived and she said "hi" to him and to Natalie. She wanted to check on me and the baby so I laid down on the bed in order for her to do that. Blood pressure was fine but it took her awhile to find the baby's heartbeat and I was a little nervous about that. I had been feeling Isabelle moving around so she had been fine but I know too that things can happen very quickly so I was worried that something was wrong but she did find the heartbeat and all was well. At some point, I went offline, telling him I would call him again if there was more and most of the time, I just focused on getting through the contractions in various ways. Tami gave me a lot of suggestions including walking around and made sure I was eating and drinking making me a cantaloupe smoothie and refilling my water bottle. Around 7, I started to get tired and thought I would try to get some sleep. I was able to sleep a little, maybe a couple of hours and woke up and the contractions had settled down. Brenda and I decided to do a check to see where I was at and I was pretty disappointed to hear I was only at 1 cm. How frustrating! Here, I thought that the contractions not just that morning but also from Thursday night on had been doing something. She did say that I was pretty effaced, just not dilated much so something was happening, just not much dilation, at least not yet. So, we talked and she was thinking that the baby was working on getting into position and that was why I was having the contractions but that she's probably not in the ideal position for dilation yet. Therefore, she suggested that I go to the pool, get on hands and knees and use that to help things out and maybe that would get things going better. She also recommended taking more of the cal/mag that I had been talking and Tami had some supplements to help with relaxing as well so that I could get more sleep. She left and I went back to bed, sleeping off and on until around 2pm.
I woke up and decided I would try to get to the pool. Tami agreed to drive me and when I finished getting ready, she had decided we would all go (encouraged by her five-year-old daughter). We went to the pool and I spent the time just relaxing in the water and trying to encourage Isabelle to move into the right position. I was having some contractions here and there but not very many, just a few or so per hour. We didn't spend too long there but it was nice to get out to the pool and have that time to relax, especially since I knew that it would probably be the last time I would get to the pool anyway.
At around 1 or 2 am, I was up with contractions again. They were in my back which was not making it easy on me. I woke Tami up and she started boiling water again. I walked around and did other things to try and help with the contractions and the back pain. Tami helped with that too, rubbing my back when I was having contractions. It was pretty similar to the night before and eventually, they started dying down and I was getting tired. Throughout the day though, I would wake up with contractions and eventually, I figured out that whenever I needed to pee, I would get a contraction and my back would hurt. By this point, it was REALLY hard to pee. I would have to lean to the side to really get much out and I wasn't feeling comfortable at all since by this time, the contractions were mostly in my back. Nothing steady or regular but I was in pain. I called Brenda mentioning that my bladder filling was causing the contractions and she suggested going to a chiropractor to get some help with baby's position through an adjustment. Tami scheduled an appointment for me and we left around 5 after Tami made me a really yummy green smoothie with dates and lots of greens. The car ride wasn't too much fun though with the contractions I was having and leaning back in the seat was definitely not comfortable.
The chiropractor was actually someone I had gone to school with which I thought was kind of funny. He noticed that my back (especially lower back) was pretty tight but my pelvis was nice and loose and he figured I would have the baby in the next three days. He asked me when I was due and I told him "two days ago." He mentioned that that meant he wouldn't have to be careful avoiding certain areas while working on my back. He was a little surprised to hear that I had not seen an OB in two weeks (I canceled my last appointment) and felt I needed to get in ASAP. I had figured that if I hadn't had the baby by the next day, I would since it would be past the gestational age Natalie was when she was born but the chiropractor seems very nervous especially since I was attempting a VBAC and Natalie had weighed almost 9 and a half pounds. He worked on my back a little, trying to loosen things up but he didn't do much in the way of actually adjusting me. He then recommended a cold pack and to come back if I hadn't had the baby by Wednesday.
Before going home, we stopped at the food coop for some stuff. We stopped at the bathroom first and I ended up in there for awhile after they left dealing with some contractions. It really was not fun needing to pee that day because it would trigger a contraction each time. Things did seem to be getting slightly more intense so I was having to do a little more to get through them. I called Brenda while I was there and she recommended getting some more rest and maybe even getting some wine to help with relaxing. If things were still the same, maybe book another chiropractor appointment. At this point, I was almost dancing with the contractions and leaning forward against the shopping cart. I'm sure I was getting some fairly weird looks while I was there but I wasn't paying too much attention. I did remember to pick up some massage oil since John had finally sent me money so I did that and then we all went home. I had some dinner and a little bit of wine which made me sleepy. Thinking I would try and get some sleep, I took an ice pack down to the room with me, put it to my back and tried to get some sleep.
I did sleep for maybe an hour or so before waking up to contractions. Not wanting to wake Tami up yet again, I tried to relax and go back to sleep, readjusting the ice pack. Didn't work. I kept going back and forth to the stairs to lean over them during the contractions. I was also constantly going to the bathroom (thank goodness I didn't have to go upstairs to do that because that would have been such a pain!) so I was walking from the bedroom to the stairs to the bathroom getting more and more frustrated and aggravated and just plain to the point where I could not deal with it anymore. I wanted the baby out NOW! and was thinking that I didn't care HOW she came out either! I was tired and the thought of another night of this back pain was enough to drive me insane. I was swearing, groaning, almost screaming in frustration and even anger, calling out to a higher power, and the whole bit hoping SOMETHING would happen. Finally, I had had enough and called Brenda and told her that I couldn't take it anymore, it was getting too hard, it hurt too much and I really just couldn't do it. She told me she would come up, check me out, and we would talk and see what our options are. After I got off the phone with her, I called Tami--again.
This time, I had no desire to go into the pool so I told her not to even bother with the water. Just had no interest in it at all. Tami helped me through some contractions rubbing my back and I would just lean forward. She went upstairs and I had some contractions and was using the stairs again for those. Unfortunately, I dropped that idea entirely when, during one of my contractions, a spider ran out at me! I screamed! Mind you, I'm not a big fan of spiders and having one run out at me almost in my face during a contraction was not a fun day, let me tell you. That idea abandoned, I went upstairs. Tami suggested trying some things out during the contractions, one of which just didn't work for me. I really could not be in any position where I was either straight or leaning back at all and definitely could not be on my back. Anything that got me leaning forward was the best. But I kept trying things out and what I was doing was leaning forward at the counter in the kitchen and sort of lightly bouncing from one foot to another while Tami rubbed my lower back hard. That helped out a lot. The rubbing part was VERY important in helping the back labor and without that, I would not have gotten through those contractions. I also focused a lot on the swirls in the counter; that also seemed to help a lot. I also walked around and that was okay but leaning forward was definitely the best position for me.
Around two or so, my water broke. Now, it wasn't a gush or anything and I wasn't sure if it was my water but I was feeling trickles coming down and my panties were getting pretty wet. I was also getting more bloody show and had gotten a bit of mucus at one point too. Tami gave me a pad and I put that on so that I wasn't leaking all over. She made me a drink of apple cider vinegar and honey and I was drinking that. She also made sure I was drinking water and getting some food in me, I think a banana and maybe some grapes too. By the time Brenda arrived at around 3:30 or so, things were getting more intense. I was noticing that the contractions were getting closer together and were getting longer. It didn't seem like there was much time at all between the end of the one contraction and the beginning of the next.
We decided to do a vaginal check on me. That wasn't easy because I kept having contractions and it HURT to be on my back, I could not stand it AT ALL! But I was able to get on my back for a little bit, long enough for her to check me and she told me, "You are farther along than you were with Natalie!" I was SO HAPPY! I had reached a big milestone for myself and that really helped me emotionally to continue on. She also checked my blood pressure and on the baby and we both were doing well. I still had contractions to get through and both Tami and Brenda helped me through them encouraging me and giving me suggestions like making low sounds and encouraging me some more and rubbing my back and making sure I drank and got to the bathroom. Around 4, Tami decided to take her daughter to the babysitter's and I decided it was time to call John since I figured it wouldn't be long before we would leave for the hospital. I called him and he told me he was still half an hour from home. That was about all I could really do because the contractions were making it hard to talk so I passed the phone to Brenda. Not much was said though and the call ended pretty soon after that.
Contractions were getting closer and closer together and it wasn't very long before I asked her to do another check since I was feeling that it was time to go to the hospital. I think it was close to 4:30 and I was at 8 cm. Tami came back shortly after that and we got things together to get to the hospital. I didn't call labor and delivery, sort of forgot about that but I was well beyond the "call when you get contractions 5 minutes apart" rule that the OB had given me (which was part of the plan, HELLO, was NOT going to be at the hospital for interventions any longer than I had to!). I followed Tami out to her van and I remember it was still dark and quiet out since it was not quite 5am. I got into the back of the van and into the seat on my knees sort of leaning over the seat. Tami starts driving and I watch everything go by the window while having contractions and sort of wonder what would happen if we were to get pulled over.
We get to the hospital and Tami drives past the ER, which had been moved, and drove towards the area where the old ER used to be. I reminded her that the ER had been moved and that she had driven past it. She ends up having to turn around to head back to where the new ER is. We pull up and she opens the door and I get out. I didn't have my shoes on so I walk to the desk bare foot. I let the person at the desk know that I'm there to have a baby and I was already registered. It took a little bit for her to understand and get things going, especially since I had failed to call L&D (gee, sorry, was a little busy having CONTRACTIONS!). Brenda comes in and before too long an orderly (or nurse? who knows!) shows up with a wheel chair. I get in. Tami goes to park her car and Brenda follows (or maybe it was the other way around?! I forget now!). I'm having contractions while the guy is wheeling me down the hall and he tells me that I have to wait because he's NOT ready to deliver a baby for the first time! lol I thought that was pretty funny. It was a LONG trip though! Goodness! We had to go down all these halls, to an elevator, up a couple of floors, down more halls, to the skywalk, across the skywalk, to another elevator, up a couple more floors, and down more halls until we get to L&D. Then, they're about to wheel me into room #4 when I say something about how I keep ending up in that room! In fact, it's where I was when I was in labor with Natalie and it's where I had been just a couple of weeks ago when I got sent up to L&D to check on the baby because her heartrate was just a little high. So, instead of taking me to room #4, we go into room #2 and he wheels me in saying excitedly, "She's having contractions 1 minute apart!" Brenda leaves, going with the orderly to get back to her car since she had been called to another birth and Tami stayed (she had caught up with us by then). I get out of the wheel chair and into the bathroom where I get changed into a gown. By now, it's past 5am.
I get settled and then it's time to start dealing with the fun stuff. Bleh. They're asking me questions, half I don't even remember now but some of them were just stupid like whether I was taking prenatal vitamins. Someone comes in to take my blood (the vampires have to get in before daylight, you know!) and the nurse decides that I need to be tested to determine if the fluids leaking are in fact from the amniotic sac. This meant lying on my BACK! Did I mention that it HURT to lie on my back, especially during a contraction? It was not fun having to lie on my back a FULL MINUTE for this stupid test. Then, they want to do a vaginal exam. That I should have declined but I was kind of focusing on other things so wasn't really thinking at that point. A resident comes in and he checks and then the nurse checks and they stand and talk for a moment to come to a consensus and finally they decree, "5 cm!" Um, WHAT?! I was at an 8 when I left the house! Tami mentioned later that she had forgotten to warn me about this, that other people may not come to the same conclusion as to how far along I was. Then comes the fun part. I have to get an IV. I HATE IVs. I got one with Natalie and it was worse than the stupid contractions! I did not want one.
"The doctor won't even work with you if you don't get one," the nurse tells us. I should have called her bluff but again, wasn't quite thinking of that at that point. I was sort of like fine, just get it over with but do it right! Unfortunately, the nurse I had did not do it right. She tries my right hand and blows the vein. Great. Not only did it hurt like heck but now, I'm bleeding all over the place and she has to do it again. So then she tries my left arm. And AGAIN, blows the vein. Um...okay, you want me to have an IV but you can't get it in? The OB comes in at that point with the resident doctor and the first nurse and starts giving me this whole spiel on how I'm such a high risk patient and that normally they would recommend that I just have a repeat cesarean and blah blah blah blah blah. I end up signing yet ANOTHER form saying that I will not hold anyone responsible if something were to happen in my attempt at a vaginal birth and my baby ends up harmed or killed in the process (or something to that effect). The OB leaves the room. The anesthesiologist comes in. Thank goodness it's the one I had spoken to just a couple of weeks ago. She's really nice and she had been great answering all of my questions for me. I asked her what was in the IV and she told me that it was just nutrients and stuff like that. She gave me a numbing shot in my hand, waited a minute or so, and then put the IV in and that time it took and it didn't hurt at all! Now, why can't they just use an anesthesiologist in the first place instead of a nurse?!
Then she leaves and the first nurse is trying to monitor the baby. I refuse to go on the bed because I did not want to lie down. I sat in the large comfy chair that was in the room but I try not to lean back much because, again, it hurt. Trying to use a belt on me was impossible so she had to hold the monitor to my belly. I try to cooperate as best as I can but also try to remain as comfortable as possible during the contractions. Tami had grabbed some of my stuff including the massage oil and she had put some on my back after asking me if that was what I wanted. When I wasn't getting checked for something, I would tell her to rub my back whenever I had a contraction. I was almost demanding about it too! A contraction would hit and I would say, "Rub!" I guess that's kind of one of those signs of intense labor, the laboring woman doesn't say "please", lol. Still, other than a number of "Oh l---!" and maybe some "OM-", I really didn't do much swearing, if any. I think I was kind of shy about that or either that or I really do just swear when I'm angry. lol
I was kind of worried because it had seemed like the contractions backed down a little. They didn't seem to be quite on top of each other as they were before I left the house. I also sort of entered a quiet stage, I seemed to be more focused inwardly or something. It's hard to describe. Even though I was at the hospital though, the thought of drugs didn't really enter my mind, even when I was told I was only at 5 cm. I was glad to be clear headed and it was definitely much easier to deal with the pain NOT being under any drugs, even IV meds. Fortunately, no one said a thing about drugs or even suggested them and I kept getting through the labor one contraction at a time.
Not long after that, I had this urge (WARNING: TMI) to poop. It was a very strong urge so I went into the bathroom and I tried to go but it was like having the WORST case of constipation EVER. I could not poop. Not at all. But I was feeling the urge so I was pushing, trying to poop. I had also been pushing a little here and there during the labor as I felt the urge to. Nothing major but just bearing down a little here and there. This urge started to get stronger but sometimes, if I did bear down too much, it would sting a little so I would stop. But the urge kept getting stronger. Around 7, there was a shift change and I got two of the SWEETEST nurses EVER. They were GREAT. They encouraged me to lean on them and just gave me some great support. Tami was there giving me support too and it was just the four of us women in there. I was still getting the urge to poop and getting very restless because of it. I wasn't really feeling any back pain anymore just this incredibly insane urge to poop! I ask to be checked and one of the nurses checks me and tells me I'm at 8 cm. I tell them I feel like I have to push and the nurse tells me not to but I really could not hold back so I keep bearing down kind of during the contractions (having read a number of articles talking about the wisdom in listening to our body when it says to PUSH!). At one point, and I have NO IDEA why I did not think of this before, I squat down next to the bed because it just seemed like a good thing to do. lol I think by this time, I was going mostly on instinct or something. I tell them to check me again because it feels like the baby is going to come out! One of the nurses checks me while I'm squatting and tells me that I'm complete! Tami's all excited, saying, "You can push now!"
So, I'm thinking, okay, I'll push right here! lol And I sort of tell them that and the nurses are like, "Oh no no, you have to get in bed!" Aww man! So, I get up into the bed, and I mean, really, she feels like she's very close to coming out, like I don't even have to push and she's going to come out any moment now but I get into the bed, on hands and knees, butt towards the bottom of the bed. People are rushing in, the OB (who I am sure is surprised that I'm already ready to push) is telling me what position to be in! You have got to be kidding me! I have to get OFF the bed?! I had to get off the bed, go to the side of the bed, get back in and scoot down with my butt at the bottom of the bed before I can push! FINALLY, he says push and I'm like OK! I push with everything I have but pull back a little when I feel some stinging then push even more. I felt a head passing through, then a shoulder, and then this very weird slippery feeling as the rest of her body passes through and Isabelle makes her grand appearance!
"You did it!" Tami says and I sit there in shock as I realize that I just gave birth vaginally, an experience that I did not get to have when I had Natalie just four and a half years before. It was the most amazing thing in the world and I had never felt so empowered in my life. I have a baby! It was simply amazing! And with that feeling came a high like I had never felt before.
Isabelle had some out a little on the slimy side. Unbeknown to us, she had passed meconium and was COVERED in it, and I mean covered, she was GREEN. lol But she was healthy and crying and had a full head of hair just like her sister did. I was still kind of in shock due to everything happening so quickly so I didn't think to demand that she be handed to me instead of her being taken over to the warmer to be suctioned out and stuff. In the meantime, the OB was waiting for the placenta to be ready to come out and when it was, he told me to push again, and it came out quickly and easily. He sort of tossed it into a pan and that was that but I was just kind of absorbing everything and still getting used to the idea that I had a baby. He had to stitch me up as I had a second degree tear so he did that and there was a short time there where we were separated but it wasn't too long before they brought her over to me and I was able to look down at this precious little bundle. It took me a few minutes more before I thought to nurse her and the nurses helped me get situated so I could do that. She latched on and nursed like a champ. The wishes I had in my birth plan regarding the Vitamin K shot, the Hep B shot, and the eye drops were respected, I just had to sign a waiver which they gave to me right there to sign. Eventually everything got done and everyone left and that's when I remember that I never did get the computer set up and online so that John could watch the birth so I got that set up and I also started making phones calls to let everyone know that Isabelle had arrived.
And yes, believe it or not, that IS the short version. lol I'm sure I have already forgotten things and left things out but I did the best I could remembering everything that happened in those three days. I have no doubt at all that I would not have been able to do this if I had not had the wonderful labor support I did. Tami especially was amazing waking up for me in the middle of the night, three nights in a row, boiling water and bringing the pots down the stairs to the rec room, making sure I ate and drank, and in general, being very supportive and encouraging when I needed it most. Brenda was great as well and I totally appreciated the time she took to come up and be with me as a labor support and to help me stay at home as long as possible. I wish everything had come together for a homebirth but this was the second best scenario and it as well as it could go considering everything I had to go against (including massive weight biases). I had gone through SO much on this journey and learned a lot about myself along the way. I'm confident now that if I do become pregnant again, I can find a way to have the birth I want to have and that what I need to have a successful birth is a good support team. That is what EVERY woman should have.
And of course, it wouldn't be a birth story without a picture:
This was taken the day we went home from the hospital when she was two days old.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I'm very happy to announce...
...the arrival of our second daughter, Isabelle Arianna. She was born July 20th at 7:37 am, SUCCESSFUL VBAC! She's smaller than her big sister was, only 8 lbs but she's beautiful, absolutely precious, and looks very much like her sister did at birth (some say she's a xerox copy but that's not quite correct because she doesn't have the stork bite her sister was born with). Labor, when it REALLY hit, was very fast and very intense and most of it was in my back but I had GREAT labor support and did not go to the hospital until I was VERY close to transition. Contractions were a minute apart when I got to the hospital, backed off a little, then came back. I got to the hospital less than three hours before Isabelle was born and gave birth to her without any drugs at all. It was an incredible experience and I'm still amazed that I did it. Poor John though missed the whole thing. While I did call him during the labor, I never did get the computer set up and everything just went too fast at the hospital for me to set anything up. It was probably for the best; I don't think Natalie would have been able to handle seeing me in pain.
So now, I'm just enjoying my little girl and hoping that her daddy and sister will be able to join us again in the states soon.
So now, I'm just enjoying my little girl and hoping that her daddy and sister will be able to join us again in the states soon.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Waiting...
...and at this point, that's really all I can do. I'm not feeling too impatient but with some additional aches and pains today, I can't help but wonder if we're getting close. Just want to get through today though because it's my one niece's birthday and it's the niece who was born sleeping just three years ago today. EDD for this little girl is July 17th so we'll see if she decides to come out sooner or later than that date.
In the meantime, I really need to take a nap. If things are gearing up for labor, I'm going to need all the rest I can get!
In the meantime, I really need to take a nap. If things are gearing up for labor, I'm going to need all the rest I can get!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Should probably update!
No baby yet though I am now 39 weeks and so expecting this little bundle of joy to arrive any day now. Her sister was born 3 days past her due date so this one, we'll have to see. Could be anytime during this month.
Being away from John and Natalie has been a challenge. Things have not been going as planned over there and more and more I worry about their situation there. John ended up putting Natalie in daycare a month or so after I left and that has me feeling very helpless and very much like a bad mother for not trying harder to bring her back with me. She seems to be doing okay and she appears to be thriving and John has been taking her out and doing things with her but still, there's that guilt and that concern that if things do not improve financially, it's going to get very difficult to get her home. I do not want to be waiting until March and his contract ends before I see them again. That would not be acceptable to me AT ALL. So, hopefully something will work out and I'll get to see my big girl in person, not on a webcam.
Other than that, just spending my time getting ready for labor and ready for what will likely be a fight ahead. That's kind of how it is when you're trying to have a VBAC and a trial of labor against medical advice. But, I'm hoping that with the plans that are in place, I won't have to be at the hospital too long before the baby arrives.
Being away from John and Natalie has been a challenge. Things have not been going as planned over there and more and more I worry about their situation there. John ended up putting Natalie in daycare a month or so after I left and that has me feeling very helpless and very much like a bad mother for not trying harder to bring her back with me. She seems to be doing okay and she appears to be thriving and John has been taking her out and doing things with her but still, there's that guilt and that concern that if things do not improve financially, it's going to get very difficult to get her home. I do not want to be waiting until March and his contract ends before I see them again. That would not be acceptable to me AT ALL. So, hopefully something will work out and I'll get to see my big girl in person, not on a webcam.
Other than that, just spending my time getting ready for labor and ready for what will likely be a fight ahead. That's kind of how it is when you're trying to have a VBAC and a trial of labor against medical advice. But, I'm hoping that with the plans that are in place, I won't have to be at the hospital too long before the baby arrives.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I made it! I'm back in the US and it's good to be home!
That was a long, long trip and doing it at almost 30 weeks of being pregnant is NOT my idea of a good time. Not doing that again. Not to mention, I don't think the baby likes to fly. I'm still recovering from jet lag (doesn't help that I'm pregnant AND have a cold). Otherwise, I'm doing well. Got a big welcome home from my family and friends last night which was really nice. I got checked into my hotel room where I'll be spending the week so that I can get over to the hospital and get seen. No idea how that's going to go but hopefully it will go well. Just kind of nervous about it all since I am so far along but I'm hoping that things will be fine. It's been a pretty normal pregnancy all in all so just have to be sure that everything stays normal.
And so far, that's been it. Need to get some food and go to bed so that I don't miss breakfast tomorrow. And then tomorrow afternoon I'm supposed to get some more grocery shopping done. That should be fun. I'm just glad to be back where I can read the phonebook and feel like a normal person again. Not everyone can understand that, I know, but for me, there's just no place like home.
And so far, that's been it. Need to get some food and go to bed so that I don't miss breakfast tomorrow. And then tomorrow afternoon I'm supposed to get some more grocery shopping done. That should be fun. I'm just glad to be back where I can read the phonebook and feel like a normal person again. Not everyone can understand that, I know, but for me, there's just no place like home.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Preparing for my trip home.
I finally got the plane ticket last week and I'll be returning to the US next Thursday. It's been kind of bittersweet thinking of that. I'm glad to be returning to the US where the medical care seems to be at least a little better than it is here. I know that the doctors there are able to treat someone my size and has the equipment on hand to do so. I know that my chances of a VBAC are at least slightly better in the US than they are here and there won't be quite as much of a language barrier which has really made things difficult for me here. Unfortunately, I'm going back alone. Airfares have gone up by almost twice since I flew to the US in November. We just couldn't afford it, not when I was going to have to find an apartment and all that. It's been hard, dealing with the thought of leaving Natalie here with John but I know that it will be one less thing for me to worry about while I try to get everything figured out for having this baby.
I'm still not ready for this though. I don't know what's going to happen and I'm a little worried. I still do not feel at all prepared to welcome this baby into the world. I remember too much how hard it was with Natalie that first year and how hard it was financially for us as a family. Unfortunately, it wouldn't have been any easier in Korea. I just wish that foresight was also 20/20 because if I had known I was going to end up getting pregnant not even a year after I got here, I wouldn't have bothered. I would have just had John and I stay where we were, gone to work myself to help with finances, and then try and figure things out as they came but somehow, I don't know if that would have even worked out. Sometimes I think that for whatever reason, things are just not supposed to work out for us. Timing always seems to be off and we're almost always having to make very difficult decisions that half the time end up being the wrong ones.
I'm trying to trust though that going back will be a good choice. I NEED to be where I feel comfortable and safe when having this baby. That's not here. That never will be here. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what these next 11 weeks are going to bring. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and get done what I need to get done so that when it comes time to leave next Thursday morning, I'm ready. But it's not going to be easy. There's still going to be a lot I'm going to have to figure out but I'm hoping it all falls into place. They sure haven't been here.
I'm still not ready for this though. I don't know what's going to happen and I'm a little worried. I still do not feel at all prepared to welcome this baby into the world. I remember too much how hard it was with Natalie that first year and how hard it was financially for us as a family. Unfortunately, it wouldn't have been any easier in Korea. I just wish that foresight was also 20/20 because if I had known I was going to end up getting pregnant not even a year after I got here, I wouldn't have bothered. I would have just had John and I stay where we were, gone to work myself to help with finances, and then try and figure things out as they came but somehow, I don't know if that would have even worked out. Sometimes I think that for whatever reason, things are just not supposed to work out for us. Timing always seems to be off and we're almost always having to make very difficult decisions that half the time end up being the wrong ones.
I'm trying to trust though that going back will be a good choice. I NEED to be where I feel comfortable and safe when having this baby. That's not here. That never will be here. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what these next 11 weeks are going to bring. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and get done what I need to get done so that when it comes time to leave next Thursday morning, I'm ready. But it's not going to be easy. There's still going to be a lot I'm going to have to figure out but I'm hoping it all falls into place. They sure haven't been here.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Still trying to figure everything out...
March hasn't exactly been an easy month. The end of February, John's job ended because the after school English program was terminated at the school he had been working at. So that meant that both he and his co-teachers were to be transferred to another school where another after school English program would be set up. Only, it didn't start until March 22. He was told he would get the time up to that off and at first, I was worried because I didn't know if he would be paid for that time or not and that would have been REALLY bad since we're trying to get enough money together for me to go home. He was reassured that he would be getting paid but then he was pulled in almost every day for busy work which he was NOT told about until the last minute. So that was really stressful especially since we're been trying to figure out how I could get to my prenatal appointments including my ultrasound.
March 4, I got news from my younger sister that her father-in-law from her first marriage has lung cancer. This is really bad news for all of us because he sort of unofficially adopted us all after his son was killed back in 2003. Since my parents are not in my life and John's parents are dead, he has become the only grandparent Natalie has. And now, he has lung cancer and has been told he has as little as two months to as long as two years to live. So, I've been trying to make plans to get back to Wisconsin as soon as possible which, with our money issues, has been VERY difficult to accomplish. I never really did hear back from anyone I had sent emails to which has been very frustrating so I don't know what's going to happen when I finally do get back, IF I even get back.
March 9th, we went in for the ultrasound. I had actually found another OB to do it because the one I had been seeing will not tell parents the sex of the baby before 36 weeks due to South Korea's ban on telling parents the sex. The reason for this ban is because parents are more likely to abort a girl than a boy even though abortions are illegal in Korea. I was also hoping that this OB would be more favorable towards doing a VBAC but nope, she wasn't. We did at least find out that we are having another GIRL! So that was one HUGE weight off of my shoulders since having a boy would mean having to decide whether to circ or not circ and while I'm on the fence about it, John is very much for them and it was just really stressing me out because so many people are against circumcisions this day and age. So we found that out and we're tentatively thinking of Isabel for a name (unless something better comes along). Still tossing around a few ideas for middle name too. I'm somewhat unsure about Isabel for a name though because, while I like it a lot, the problem is is that so do a lot of people. It's one of the more popular names out there. Well, Isabella is, Isabel is a little further down the list but when you factor in all the spellings and everything, it's up in the top ten for names and I'm not quite so sure how I feel about that. Then again, Natalie turned out to be a far more popular than I expected it to be going from 18% the year she was born to around 13% now. Why can't my name ever become popular?
Not much has happened since then, just a lot of stress trying to figure out how I'm going to get back to the US, where I'm going to live as far as an apartment, how I'm going to get all of this figured out over all. And the frustrating thing is just when it seems to all be coming together, something happens to completely and totally screw it up.
I'm still not insured. I was insured for about a week. We found out when we went in for the ultrasound that no, I was NOT on the insurance. Obviously I got kicked off of that when John's job changed. So we had to pay full price for the ultrasound which was around $70. Yes, I know that's cheap but when you're trying to save up money, it's not something that we can afford all the time, especially when in the US, it would have been free because we would have been eligible for medical assistance. So, since the ultrasound, I haven't been in to see the OB. The last time I saw him was back when I was 15 weeks and he didn't do anything because I refused the ultrasound. So, really, the last time a full appointment was done was back when I was 11 weeks. Great, huh? So, really, I'm not getting that great of prenatal care here, definitely not like I had when I was pregnant with Natalie. VERY frustrating. I really need to see a chiropractor and I haven't been able to do that because of the insurance issues. I'm in a TON of pain in my pelvis and in the back of my left leg. But, even if I did have insurance, the insurance will most likely NOT cover chiropractic care (again, another way that medical assistance in Wisconsin is better than the national health insurance here) and even if it did, the nearest place for me is likely going to be all the way in Seoul which is an hour or so away by bus/subway/both.
And now, we've reached the end of the month and one of the concerns I had came through. Since John started at a new job this month, I was concerned that he would not get paid because that's happened before when he started back in July. He didn't get paid for over a month and then he didn't get paid for the first couple of weeks. Well, he checked his account tonight and NOTHING. I was NOT happy. I immediately sent a text message to John's co-teacher and we finally heard back from her that while John would get paid for the three weeks BEFORE he started at the new school, he would not get the money for working at the new school until NEXT month. This was NOT what I wanted to hear because that means John only gets paid 2/3s of what he normally makes a month and, to top it off, this makes it ALL too easy for the school to decide to ONLY pay him for the month of April, especially since he NEVER gets anything that tells him what gets paid and what gets taken out for taxes and things. He just gets the money into his account. It's happened before, back in July when he first started working down here in Yongin. He never did get the week and a half that he was entitled to. A lot of the time, they explain it away by saying it was training and therefore, he's not entitled to it. It really has soured my feelings towards people here and it has really caused me to become very distrustful of the employers here because it has become VERY obvious that they care little for their employees that they bring in from other countries and just basically dump here. It has me VERY concerned about what is going to happen when July comes around. John is SUPPOSED to be getting a severance in July but based on what has happened so far, I'm not so inclined to believe that's going to happen. And even if it did, when would he get it? Technically, his contract doesn't end until July 21st. I'm due July 17th.
So, once again, we're trying to figure out how all of this is going to work and at times, I really start to think that it's not and that I'm going to end up having this baby here, very likely via cesarean, very likely unconscious. Either that or it's going to end up being a totally unassisted birth. I'm very unsure as how we're going to be able to afford everything when things are SO expensive here. There are three of us crammed into a one bedroom apartment with a teeny tiny bathroom that doesn't even have a separate shower but just a shower head attached to the bathroom sink (which means you have to use the WHOLE bathroom as the shower). How in the world are we going to fit a fourth person in here? Where am I going to get all of the things I need for a baby when everything is two-three times as much as they are in the US (and there are NO garage sales from which to buy things?). I feel SO overwhelmed and SO very depressed at times. I hate when people say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. It's a big fat LIE. Because He does, many many many times and has done so to me more times than is at all fair. Just ONCE, I would like things to go right. Just ONE STUPID LITTLE TIME. With everything I have gone through, I think I deserve that much. But no, things just keep going wrong and keep not falling into place and I'm really getting sick and tired of it all.
March 4, I got news from my younger sister that her father-in-law from her first marriage has lung cancer. This is really bad news for all of us because he sort of unofficially adopted us all after his son was killed back in 2003. Since my parents are not in my life and John's parents are dead, he has become the only grandparent Natalie has. And now, he has lung cancer and has been told he has as little as two months to as long as two years to live. So, I've been trying to make plans to get back to Wisconsin as soon as possible which, with our money issues, has been VERY difficult to accomplish. I never really did hear back from anyone I had sent emails to which has been very frustrating so I don't know what's going to happen when I finally do get back, IF I even get back.
March 9th, we went in for the ultrasound. I had actually found another OB to do it because the one I had been seeing will not tell parents the sex of the baby before 36 weeks due to South Korea's ban on telling parents the sex. The reason for this ban is because parents are more likely to abort a girl than a boy even though abortions are illegal in Korea. I was also hoping that this OB would be more favorable towards doing a VBAC but nope, she wasn't. We did at least find out that we are having another GIRL! So that was one HUGE weight off of my shoulders since having a boy would mean having to decide whether to circ or not circ and while I'm on the fence about it, John is very much for them and it was just really stressing me out because so many people are against circumcisions this day and age. So we found that out and we're tentatively thinking of Isabel for a name (unless something better comes along). Still tossing around a few ideas for middle name too. I'm somewhat unsure about Isabel for a name though because, while I like it a lot, the problem is is that so do a lot of people. It's one of the more popular names out there. Well, Isabella is, Isabel is a little further down the list but when you factor in all the spellings and everything, it's up in the top ten for names and I'm not quite so sure how I feel about that. Then again, Natalie turned out to be a far more popular than I expected it to be going from 18% the year she was born to around 13% now. Why can't my name ever become popular?
Not much has happened since then, just a lot of stress trying to figure out how I'm going to get back to the US, where I'm going to live as far as an apartment, how I'm going to get all of this figured out over all. And the frustrating thing is just when it seems to all be coming together, something happens to completely and totally screw it up.
I'm still not insured. I was insured for about a week. We found out when we went in for the ultrasound that no, I was NOT on the insurance. Obviously I got kicked off of that when John's job changed. So we had to pay full price for the ultrasound which was around $70. Yes, I know that's cheap but when you're trying to save up money, it's not something that we can afford all the time, especially when in the US, it would have been free because we would have been eligible for medical assistance. So, since the ultrasound, I haven't been in to see the OB. The last time I saw him was back when I was 15 weeks and he didn't do anything because I refused the ultrasound. So, really, the last time a full appointment was done was back when I was 11 weeks. Great, huh? So, really, I'm not getting that great of prenatal care here, definitely not like I had when I was pregnant with Natalie. VERY frustrating. I really need to see a chiropractor and I haven't been able to do that because of the insurance issues. I'm in a TON of pain in my pelvis and in the back of my left leg. But, even if I did have insurance, the insurance will most likely NOT cover chiropractic care (again, another way that medical assistance in Wisconsin is better than the national health insurance here) and even if it did, the nearest place for me is likely going to be all the way in Seoul which is an hour or so away by bus/subway/both.
And now, we've reached the end of the month and one of the concerns I had came through. Since John started at a new job this month, I was concerned that he would not get paid because that's happened before when he started back in July. He didn't get paid for over a month and then he didn't get paid for the first couple of weeks. Well, he checked his account tonight and NOTHING. I was NOT happy. I immediately sent a text message to John's co-teacher and we finally heard back from her that while John would get paid for the three weeks BEFORE he started at the new school, he would not get the money for working at the new school until NEXT month. This was NOT what I wanted to hear because that means John only gets paid 2/3s of what he normally makes a month and, to top it off, this makes it ALL too easy for the school to decide to ONLY pay him for the month of April, especially since he NEVER gets anything that tells him what gets paid and what gets taken out for taxes and things. He just gets the money into his account. It's happened before, back in July when he first started working down here in Yongin. He never did get the week and a half that he was entitled to. A lot of the time, they explain it away by saying it was training and therefore, he's not entitled to it. It really has soured my feelings towards people here and it has really caused me to become very distrustful of the employers here because it has become VERY obvious that they care little for their employees that they bring in from other countries and just basically dump here. It has me VERY concerned about what is going to happen when July comes around. John is SUPPOSED to be getting a severance in July but based on what has happened so far, I'm not so inclined to believe that's going to happen. And even if it did, when would he get it? Technically, his contract doesn't end until July 21st. I'm due July 17th.
So, once again, we're trying to figure out how all of this is going to work and at times, I really start to think that it's not and that I'm going to end up having this baby here, very likely via cesarean, very likely unconscious. Either that or it's going to end up being a totally unassisted birth. I'm very unsure as how we're going to be able to afford everything when things are SO expensive here. There are three of us crammed into a one bedroom apartment with a teeny tiny bathroom that doesn't even have a separate shower but just a shower head attached to the bathroom sink (which means you have to use the WHOLE bathroom as the shower). How in the world are we going to fit a fourth person in here? Where am I going to get all of the things I need for a baby when everything is two-three times as much as they are in the US (and there are NO garage sales from which to buy things?). I feel SO overwhelmed and SO very depressed at times. I hate when people say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. It's a big fat LIE. Because He does, many many many times and has done so to me more times than is at all fair. Just ONCE, I would like things to go right. Just ONE STUPID LITTLE TIME. With everything I have gone through, I think I deserve that much. But no, things just keep going wrong and keep not falling into place and I'm really getting sick and tired of it all.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I had forgotten how it all felt, it's been so long.
More than four years since I was last pregnant and I had forgotten all about how it felt to feel those baby kicks all the time. It's like holding on to a secret that no one else knows about. The flutters, the thumps, the kicks to the bladder that make you feel like you're going to suddenly pee your pants. As much as having this baby sometimes scares me, I can't help but feel kind of reassured by the continuous kicks I feel throughout the day. He/she has his/her quiet moments but many times I sit/lie there quietly and feel and wonder at all the movement deep within my belly. That it started earlier than it did last time is nice too. It was after my ultrasound before I really started to feel Natalie's kicks. This one, I started feeling a good 3-4 weeks earlier. I'm 19 weeks and have been feeling them daily since 17 weeks and I was feeling them before that too.
Now if only I can get this whole thing figured out about WHERE I'm going to have the baby, I probably wouldn't be feeling so freaked out but that's taking it's time in getting figured out. I'm working on it though, sending emails to midwives in Wisconsin, Tennessee, and Delaware. Planning on sending some to a few midwives in Colorado as well. HOPEFULLY something pans out and I can start making plans in earnest to head back to the US.
Now if only I can get this whole thing figured out about WHERE I'm going to have the baby, I probably wouldn't be feeling so freaked out but that's taking it's time in getting figured out. I'm working on it though, sending emails to midwives in Wisconsin, Tennessee, and Delaware. Planning on sending some to a few midwives in Colorado as well. HOPEFULLY something pans out and I can start making plans in earnest to head back to the US.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I should at least update.
OB says I have like a 33% chance of getting a VBAC with him. He's worried about complications, he's worried that the baby will be too big to fit, blah blah blah. He can't even tell me if I can be awake if I end up with a cesarean. The weight bias is so bad here that some women can't even get an epidural, not even for a cesarean (and I'm talking over 200 pounds, not the weight I'm at which is higher than that).
We're really looking into trying to send me back to the US but ugh, the devil is in the details. I'm feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and just not very sure what to do.
I'm currently 18, almost 19 weeks along. Feeling lots of movement, even felt a thump OUTSIDE the belly today! Still feeling it in the area I was cut when I had the cesarean (along where the scar is on the outside). Really not sure what that means. But been feeling movement pretty much everyday for the last week or so.
Nausea has finally settled down, haven't been getting any heartburn yet, not really. I do still have bad days here and there. The exhaustion is not quite as bad and at least I'm able to stay up most of the day now so it looks like we're through the worst of it. Unfortunately, my mood swings are pretty bad. Also having a lot of back and leg pain but not letting it get to me. I just wish I could find a chiropractor who will take the national insurance here. Oh wait, I'm STILL not on the insurance even though John has been trying to get me on it for over a month.
We're supposed to be moving sometime around March 1st. John was transferred to another school as the school he's been teaching at has ended the English program. I have a hard time believing that the school coordinator is really going to get things done. It's the 18th and our visas all expire on the 27th. It's really getting down to the wire. So yeah, things are extremely frustrating here. I'm very stressed out.
That's pretty much it at the moment. Just trying to take it day by day the best I can but we're going to have to figure something out soon if I'm going to have a chance at all of getting a VBAC. To be honest, sometimes I think about just signing up for another cesarean. I just get so tired of fighting. But John doesn't want me to get one and I don't really want to get one (especially not here) but sometimes, I really don't think I'm going to be allowed the chance to get a VBAC either here or the US because of my weight and that's very depressing and I've really been down on myself because of my weight. My self-esteem is definitely in the toilet right now and I've been thinking a lot about getting gastric bypass at some point after all of this is done with. When the world only sees you according to how much you weigh, HOW you lose weight really doesn't matter, it's getting to that socially acceptable number that counts.
Forgot to mention, they were at least able to do my blood pressure the last time. They used the electronic one. I was kind of worried about my arm getting stuck or something but no problems there. Not sure why they didn't do it the first time. Also got on the scale and I'm down 3 pounds. It's very easy to lose weight when I'm pregnant, at least for the first two trimesters. It's the last one where I tend to gain. Not only is it easy for me to lose weight, it's also easy for me to not eat as much. Not only do I not eat for two, I barely eat for one, or rather, I barely eat as much as I was eating BEFORE I got pregnant. The atmosphere here and even some of the comments John has made (along with depression) has me not really wanting to eat much at all.
Next appointment which is supposed to be the BIG ULTRASOUND is March 9th. Not sure if I'm going to get to find out what I'm having though (especially if I go to this guy). He told me that he doesn't tell his patients what they're having before 36 weeks. There's kind of a ban here against telling parents the sex because so many parents go and abort girls even though abortion here is illegal. So, not sure what I'm going to do yet. May look into another OB for the ultrasound. There's one who is very close by and easy to get to and I may go to her for the prenatal stuff until I go back to the US. Not entirely sure though, just one more thing I need to look into.
We're really looking into trying to send me back to the US but ugh, the devil is in the details. I'm feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and just not very sure what to do.
I'm currently 18, almost 19 weeks along. Feeling lots of movement, even felt a thump OUTSIDE the belly today! Still feeling it in the area I was cut when I had the cesarean (along where the scar is on the outside). Really not sure what that means. But been feeling movement pretty much everyday for the last week or so.
Nausea has finally settled down, haven't been getting any heartburn yet, not really. I do still have bad days here and there. The exhaustion is not quite as bad and at least I'm able to stay up most of the day now so it looks like we're through the worst of it. Unfortunately, my mood swings are pretty bad. Also having a lot of back and leg pain but not letting it get to me. I just wish I could find a chiropractor who will take the national insurance here. Oh wait, I'm STILL not on the insurance even though John has been trying to get me on it for over a month.
We're supposed to be moving sometime around March 1st. John was transferred to another school as the school he's been teaching at has ended the English program. I have a hard time believing that the school coordinator is really going to get things done. It's the 18th and our visas all expire on the 27th. It's really getting down to the wire. So yeah, things are extremely frustrating here. I'm very stressed out.
That's pretty much it at the moment. Just trying to take it day by day the best I can but we're going to have to figure something out soon if I'm going to have a chance at all of getting a VBAC. To be honest, sometimes I think about just signing up for another cesarean. I just get so tired of fighting. But John doesn't want me to get one and I don't really want to get one (especially not here) but sometimes, I really don't think I'm going to be allowed the chance to get a VBAC either here or the US because of my weight and that's very depressing and I've really been down on myself because of my weight. My self-esteem is definitely in the toilet right now and I've been thinking a lot about getting gastric bypass at some point after all of this is done with. When the world only sees you according to how much you weigh, HOW you lose weight really doesn't matter, it's getting to that socially acceptable number that counts.
Forgot to mention, they were at least able to do my blood pressure the last time. They used the electronic one. I was kind of worried about my arm getting stuck or something but no problems there. Not sure why they didn't do it the first time. Also got on the scale and I'm down 3 pounds. It's very easy to lose weight when I'm pregnant, at least for the first two trimesters. It's the last one where I tend to gain. Not only is it easy for me to lose weight, it's also easy for me to not eat as much. Not only do I not eat for two, I barely eat for one, or rather, I barely eat as much as I was eating BEFORE I got pregnant. The atmosphere here and even some of the comments John has made (along with depression) has me not really wanting to eat much at all.
Next appointment which is supposed to be the BIG ULTRASOUND is March 9th. Not sure if I'm going to get to find out what I'm having though (especially if I go to this guy). He told me that he doesn't tell his patients what they're having before 36 weeks. There's kind of a ban here against telling parents the sex because so many parents go and abort girls even though abortion here is illegal. So, not sure what I'm going to do yet. May look into another OB for the ultrasound. There's one who is very close by and easy to get to and I may go to her for the prenatal stuff until I go back to the US. Not entirely sure though, just one more thing I need to look into.
Monday, January 25, 2010
I'm 15 weeks now and my second appointment is tomorrow.
With that, we may have to face a very important decision: stay and have this baby in Korea (and VERY possibly have to have another cesarean) or go back to the US to have the baby probably without John and maybe even without Natalie.
It's not a decision I'm wanting to make. Unfortunately, Koreans are EXTREMELY prejudiced against weight (and height too, I guess) and being oh at least twice the size as your average Korean woman, I'm fair game. It is VERY likely that my chance of having a VBAC here are slim and none (and slim's on vacation, my mom always liked to say). I can't have a homebirth because no midwife will touch me. It's not legal for a midwife to take on a woman with an unproven pelvis. And cesareans in South Korea are in the 40-50% rate, HIGHER than the US by quite a bit.
I won't lie. There are times I am really doggone sick and tired of fighting this and just want to sign up for another cesarean and be DONE WITH IT! Go in, get the baby cut out and get my tubes cut on top of it so that I NEVER have to worry about going through this EVER again! I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being so stressed out that I'm already having braxton hicks. I'm tired of not enjoying my pregnancy and not even doing any little baby tickers or anything because I keep hoping deep down that the pregnancy ends at some point so that I don't have to worry about this anymore. I'm tired of feeling angry and resentful and scared out of my mind. I'm just tired. I'm tired of my life always being one major hit after another after another and never getting a break. Even the things that are important to me I can't get a break on. THIS is important to me. This MATTERS to me and I can't get that. I don't have the choices I should have here and it's not fair. It just makes me SO ANGRY!
I don't know what's going to happen. The appointment is at 3pm tomorrow and one of the doulas I've been talking with will be going with me to talk to the doctor and we're going to see how he feels about me having a VBAC and what my chances of that happening with him are and if they are low, could he recommend someone who can give me a VBAC (besides the guy that will cost me $4000 and doesn't take our insurance). If not, our options are trying to come up with $4000 or so to pay for the one and only doctor who will likely give me a VBAC (that again, the insurance does NOT cover AT ALL) or I go home though personally, I wish we ALL could go home. Coming to this country has been the BIGGEST mistake I have EVER made in my life. If I NEVER hear the word Korea again for as long as I live, it won't be long enough.
We'll see what happens, I guess.
It's not a decision I'm wanting to make. Unfortunately, Koreans are EXTREMELY prejudiced against weight (and height too, I guess) and being oh at least twice the size as your average Korean woman, I'm fair game. It is VERY likely that my chance of having a VBAC here are slim and none (and slim's on vacation, my mom always liked to say). I can't have a homebirth because no midwife will touch me. It's not legal for a midwife to take on a woman with an unproven pelvis. And cesareans in South Korea are in the 40-50% rate, HIGHER than the US by quite a bit.
I won't lie. There are times I am really doggone sick and tired of fighting this and just want to sign up for another cesarean and be DONE WITH IT! Go in, get the baby cut out and get my tubes cut on top of it so that I NEVER have to worry about going through this EVER again! I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being so stressed out that I'm already having braxton hicks. I'm tired of not enjoying my pregnancy and not even doing any little baby tickers or anything because I keep hoping deep down that the pregnancy ends at some point so that I don't have to worry about this anymore. I'm tired of feeling angry and resentful and scared out of my mind. I'm just tired. I'm tired of my life always being one major hit after another after another and never getting a break. Even the things that are important to me I can't get a break on. THIS is important to me. This MATTERS to me and I can't get that. I don't have the choices I should have here and it's not fair. It just makes me SO ANGRY!
I don't know what's going to happen. The appointment is at 3pm tomorrow and one of the doulas I've been talking with will be going with me to talk to the doctor and we're going to see how he feels about me having a VBAC and what my chances of that happening with him are and if they are low, could he recommend someone who can give me a VBAC (besides the guy that will cost me $4000 and doesn't take our insurance). If not, our options are trying to come up with $4000 or so to pay for the one and only doctor who will likely give me a VBAC (that again, the insurance does NOT cover AT ALL) or I go home though personally, I wish we ALL could go home. Coming to this country has been the BIGGEST mistake I have EVER made in my life. If I NEVER hear the word Korea again for as long as I live, it won't be long enough.
We'll see what happens, I guess.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)