It's been a really crazy year with an overseas move, a new baby, and a HUGE readjustment for EVERYONE. I'm incredibly grateful that I got through the year in once piece and got to have my VBAC to boot. I'm very thankful for friends who have been there for me who have helped me out greatly and continue to help me out. I will never be able to repay that debt but truly truly appreciate everything they have done for me.
These past couple of months since John and Natalie have returned home have not been the easiest. It's been (like I mentioned) a huge readjustment. John's reaction to major changes and milestones in our family have been to delve deeper into his religious beliefs, beliefs that I just don't have (though I have tried to go along with them). I don't know what this will mean for us. This year marks the beginning of a new decade. Ten years ago, my life was very much different. I was 20; I was going to college. I had at least somewhat of an idea what I wanted with my life. My parents were still around and my family still consisted of them and my siblings. John was a part of that life but sort of a fringe part of it as we were not yet married. My life changed drastically during that decade in a way I never thought it would. I'm hoping that this decade will be more stable and I will figure out what direction I want to go in.
At times, I feel lost. I don't know where I want to go much less how to get there. I have no path for I haven't even gotten out of the driveway. I know that there is more to life than this. I know that I have talents that grow rusty from disuse. I used to sing. I used to play the piano. I used to write. I read things others write, people who are years younger than me and wonder how it is that they seem to know SO MUCH more than I do. I don't just feel lost, I feel like my own intelligence is slipping, that my life has lost meaning and purpose and I don't know exactly what to do about that. I have made mistakes, many mistakes, the big one being letting others tell me what my purpose in life should be based upon some book. I have let others put me in "my place" because I felt that that what I was supposed to do and in doing so have allowed myself to become almost nothing. And that needs to change. I don't know who I am anymore but I hope that sometime in the next decade, I figure that out. I can't keep going on like this, having no purpose other than to birth and raise children. Not that this isn't a noble cause because it is and I don't wish for that to end at all but only want to add to it. I just need to figure out how. I just need to find myself again and maybe, find God too.
