Last Monday was kind of an interesting day for me. I woke up with what I thought were gas pains and about 12 hours later, I'm getting wheeled in to the OR to have my gall bladder removed. It definitely was not on my list of things to do and having my husband home for a week in order to recover (laproscopic surgery is definitely easier to recover from than traditional surgery!) while nice is not going to do our paychecks any good. Still, I had sort of expected that day to come. About 10 years or so ago, I had a kidney stone and when an ultrasound was done to find it, they found a stone in my gall bladder. My parents both had had theirs removed by the time they were in their early 40's and one of my older sisters had had hers removed at the age of 22 so I figured it was just a matter of time. Then, a month or so ago, I started getting pains in my right side here and there. It wasn't excruciating but it was noticeable. I figured that time was getting closer to having surgery. I made an appointment for a physical but couldn't get in until the end of next month. The gall bladder decided not to wait.
Naturally, when a part of your body fails and you find yourself in medical need, the first question that comes to mind is "what else is going to decide to go?" I did mention to my husband before going down to surgery if this was going to be the start of medical issues for me. Unfortunately, he decided to share that with a friend of his, a friend who is very judgmental about a lot of the things I do and on my weight. He made some comments to my husband I found very offensive including one comment where he basically says he doesn't understand how I can eat myself to illness and possibly even death. Thing is, other than on Skype, he hasn't seen me in over 5 years. He hasn't watched me eat. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know my history and he doesn't know my family medical history. He is making assumptions based on my weight and the very very few times he saw me, one of those times being when I was pregnant. He doesn't know the times when I was on diets trying to lose the weight and going to the gym to exercise. He doesn't know of all the weight loss books and exercise videos I have purchased over the years. He doesn't know how much I have fantasized about being thin and being accepted by people. He doesn't know how I have avoided people just because of the shame I have felt about my weight and how avoiding on person in particular because I feared her being disappointed me meant I never saw her again because she DIED from a brain tumor even though she was healthy, ate well, and was a runner. He doesn't know how often I have avoided being in pictures and having pictures taken of me because of my own feelings towards myself because of my weight and how I struggle with those feelings every day. And those feelings of inadequacy leads more to depression than to feeling motivated towards taking care of myself. Those feelings of inadequacy tends to more likely lead me to food than to exercise.
It hurt and angered me and it angered me even more that not only did he make a comment like that (among others) but then he goes on to say that he's glad my daughter is active and so far not picking up my inactive tendencies. She's FIVE! I was active too at that age! I had a 10 acre farm to run around on and was outside nearly every single day! I didn't really start to become inactive until my teens when my options for sports dried up because I wasn't good enough to get on any of the teams. And that was just the start. I'm glad she at least has a dad who is very active because she'll have someone to motivate her and be active with. I didn't have that. I didn't have parents who really were watching what they ate and us in turn. I spent a couple of years primarily under the care of my older brother who ate mostly hamburger helper while my mom attended school 50 miles away and those were the nights he was at home. Other nights I had to make my own dinner, a microwavable meal. I'm sure there were better options but my mom certainly didn't seek them out, not when our food budget was likely very limited (and ours is too but I try hard to buy food that is better than what I was fed as a child).
I won't deny that there were things I did after I moved out that didn't help with the weight and definitely encouraged the weight to go up at an alarming level. College food was not a good thing for me. I wish I could go back and make better choices knowing what I know now. It's definitely much easier to put the weight on than it is to take it off, that's for sure. And I've tried and I've failed and in failing, put even more weight on.
I won't deny though that there are things I can do now to improve my health and those are the things I need to work on, as hard as that is. Having had surgery has been a little bit of a push in the right direction. I have to be at least a little more mindful of what I eat as eating too much of the wrong thing can wreak havoc on my body. Exercise though is always a challenge. It's a challenge to find something I enjoy enough to do continuously. It's a challenge to find something I can do all year around (sorry, it gets below 0 around here, as low as -20 and more during the DAY and that's without windchill being factored in). It's very easy for me to get out of shape which is something that GREATLY frustrates me because it takes FOREVER for me to get into better shape. And so yes, exercise has been a source of frustration for me even though I know that it would greatly improve how I feel on many levels. Just doesn't help that I also struggle with depression and days I don't even want to get out of bed and function much less go and exercise.
Some people are able to just go out there and do it and do it no matter what the temperature, how they feel, etc. Some people are able to eat certain foods and ONLY those foods without being tempted to eat anything else. People call that will power and some do have a very strong will power. Others need a little more motivation and I definitely fall under the latter. I find I need a lot of support, encouragement, and (shall I say?) a sense that someone actually gives a damn. I find I need to be rewarded in some way or I lose that motivation. Getting into the habit is hard and finding the reason to get into the habit, I think, harder still, at least for me and especially when I have issues with depression.
Some people would say I'm just making excuses but unless you have been in my shoes, I don't think you have the right to judge. If weight isn't an issue for you, doubly so. It's one of those areas I've struggled with for a long time and I will probably continue to struggle in this area awhile longer. I don't think it's ever going to come easily for me though I have made some positive changes in the last ten years I think are important, especially since having children. In another ten years, I hope to make more positive changes. Nothing happens overnight though and I will probably always have a vice or two that threatens to trip me up, just like everyone else does. Till then, I guess I'll just keep working at it as best as I can.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
My issues with religion.
The "kingdom of Heaven" is a condition of the heart - not something that comes "upon the earth" or "after death."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Religion is kind of a difficult subject for me. To be honest, it has been for a long time. It started before I met my husband and marrying him and being exposed to his religion hasn't helped. This video sort of echoes how I feel about religion in general:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RviMdf7gng4&NR=1
The biggest issue I have with religion is the use of fear to get people to follow a bunch of inane rules that go above and beyond the basics, nit picky rules that set them apart from everyone else. It's one thing to follow rules that help you avoid hurting others. It's another to follow rules that are so outside the mainstream, it literally disrupts your life and your relationship with others. And this brings me to my second biggest issue, when following rules that set you drastically apart from others gives you a sense of superiority over those who do not follow the same rules you do. My issue is in seeing people almost sneer at those who do things differently because they have different beliefs. It can be seen in general in a Christian vs atheist situation but it can manifest itself among Christian religions too. I've seen it and I hate it and it turns me off of many Christians. The judging of and disrespect towards those with other beliefs drives me crazy and it is as far away from being a Christian as you can possibly get.
On the other hand, I have seen the opposite. I have seen Christians who try very hard and very humbly to act as much like Christ as possible. They don't judge. They're very open minded even when beliefs totally outside their own are brought up. They do all they can for their neighbors. They WANT to help others and feel that being a Christian is all about helping others and showing love towards others. They are supportive and help those who are struggling with spiritual matters. They are positive. They're not perfect and they're willing to admit it.
I know two couples. One couple shares the same beliefs my husband does. I'll admit, I don't know them all that well and I've only been at their house a few times but the times I have been there, it's been very tense. I have felt that my behavior was being scrutinized and I would be judged on the things I did (and I was and later on also judged even for the books I owned when the husband helped my husband move our things one time). I was made to feel that I was a long way from being where they were at. They would make comments about people and their beliefs and even their weight often acting as if they were superior because they held beliefs that they felt were THE beliefs and those who didn't hold those beliefs were inferior. It was very hard to be around them. They were very stingy with help, acting resentful and using that as another means of feeling superior. THEY didn't need help so others should get their act together too and if they were doing what they were supposed to do, they wouldn't need help anyway. Their children are limited as far as who they can be with and spend time with due to concerns of influence.
Another couple I have been very blessed to know. I met the wife online in a group and we met a few times in person over the next 4 years. When I returned from South Korea, I spent the first two weeks in a hotel while I figured out my living situation until I had the baby and my husband and daughter returned to the US. When this friend found out, she talked to her husband and they both offered me a place to stay for the summer. She helped me find a midwife and drove me to the appointments even though she was over an hour away. When I struggled with making decisions, she would talk to me. She and her husband were very devout in their beliefs but it was never pushed on me though offered if I was interested in joining. She helped me out as much as she could even giving me things for my apartment when I moved out and things for the baby. She was my doula for the birth and was absolutely wonderful with her support. I am in awe of her and her husband's generosity. Members of their church were very helpful to me as well (unlike my husband's church that barely even acknowledged I was home much less offered a helping hand in anyway). Even if they hadn't given me as much as they did, the fact that they opened their home up to me, someone they barely knew, is a testament of how loving and giving they are. They're both in school now, preparing for a life in the church, preparing to give even more of themselves to others and I'm just absolutely amazed by them. They are examples to uphold. They are good and moral and kind and decent and for sure deserve to be a part of the kingdom of Heaven (if there is one). If the world were full of people like them, it would be a peaceful world. And no, they're not perfect because no one is but my time with them was probably the most peaceful time I experienced in my life and I will always be grateful for that.
But, to those like my husband and his friend, that's not enough. They are not following the "rules". They need to be following the Old Testament part of the Bible. They should not celebrate Christmas or Halloween. Those things are evil and pagan. And it makes me sad because my husband could really do well to have a friend like my friend's husband instead of the friend he currently has. It makes me sad that there is so much of a sense of fear behind what they do. They really struggle, I think, to enjoy THIS world because they are so afraid of losing out in the next world. They are afraid of the Lake of Fire and it is because of that fear that they totally forget the important thing, love. They may preach it and talk about it but they don't practice it. They don't practice love. It's all about control and making sure that the rules are being followed and making sure the kids are following the rules and are not being influenced to stray or rebel. It's all about fear and fear is what can make religion dangerous. When fear is the basis of a religion, when control is used, religion becomes dangerous.
I will not believe something because of fear. I will not follow some arbitrary rules because I'm afraid of hell or the Lake of Fire. If I do something, I want it to be because it is the right thing to do. I don't want to hurt others. I may not have many beliefs but there are things that are important to me. Unfortunately, much of what is important to me has been deemed unacceptable by my husband because of his beliefs. And he will not respect my beliefs though he demands respect of his. And that I have many issues with as well.
So religion continues to be a struggle for me. I do not believe what my husband believes. I tried and it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel right. It always felt like I was forcing myself to believe these things and to do these things and I couldn't stand behind those beliefs 100%. Anything outside of those beliefs though are not accepted here in my house. So I'm left adrift, not sure what I believe, not respected for any beliefs I do have, and feeling lost and alone because I don't really have anywhere I really belong because I don't belong here really with someone who so thoroughly rejects any beliefs I may have that are outside of his. And I'm not free to find a place I do belong. So it's been a hard road and a lonely road and a very lonely marriage and that is why I struggle so much with religion. It has always been at least somewhat of a struggle for me but it has gotten much worse over the years and sadly, I will probably never be able to really find myself spiritually until I leave my marriage. Sad that it will have to come to that but really, that seems to be the only option I have.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Religion is kind of a difficult subject for me. To be honest, it has been for a long time. It started before I met my husband and marrying him and being exposed to his religion hasn't helped. This video sort of echoes how I feel about religion in general:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RviMdf7gng4&NR=1
The biggest issue I have with religion is the use of fear to get people to follow a bunch of inane rules that go above and beyond the basics, nit picky rules that set them apart from everyone else. It's one thing to follow rules that help you avoid hurting others. It's another to follow rules that are so outside the mainstream, it literally disrupts your life and your relationship with others. And this brings me to my second biggest issue, when following rules that set you drastically apart from others gives you a sense of superiority over those who do not follow the same rules you do. My issue is in seeing people almost sneer at those who do things differently because they have different beliefs. It can be seen in general in a Christian vs atheist situation but it can manifest itself among Christian religions too. I've seen it and I hate it and it turns me off of many Christians. The judging of and disrespect towards those with other beliefs drives me crazy and it is as far away from being a Christian as you can possibly get.
On the other hand, I have seen the opposite. I have seen Christians who try very hard and very humbly to act as much like Christ as possible. They don't judge. They're very open minded even when beliefs totally outside their own are brought up. They do all they can for their neighbors. They WANT to help others and feel that being a Christian is all about helping others and showing love towards others. They are supportive and help those who are struggling with spiritual matters. They are positive. They're not perfect and they're willing to admit it.
I know two couples. One couple shares the same beliefs my husband does. I'll admit, I don't know them all that well and I've only been at their house a few times but the times I have been there, it's been very tense. I have felt that my behavior was being scrutinized and I would be judged on the things I did (and I was and later on also judged even for the books I owned when the husband helped my husband move our things one time). I was made to feel that I was a long way from being where they were at. They would make comments about people and their beliefs and even their weight often acting as if they were superior because they held beliefs that they felt were THE beliefs and those who didn't hold those beliefs were inferior. It was very hard to be around them. They were very stingy with help, acting resentful and using that as another means of feeling superior. THEY didn't need help so others should get their act together too and if they were doing what they were supposed to do, they wouldn't need help anyway. Their children are limited as far as who they can be with and spend time with due to concerns of influence.
Another couple I have been very blessed to know. I met the wife online in a group and we met a few times in person over the next 4 years. When I returned from South Korea, I spent the first two weeks in a hotel while I figured out my living situation until I had the baby and my husband and daughter returned to the US. When this friend found out, she talked to her husband and they both offered me a place to stay for the summer. She helped me find a midwife and drove me to the appointments even though she was over an hour away. When I struggled with making decisions, she would talk to me. She and her husband were very devout in their beliefs but it was never pushed on me though offered if I was interested in joining. She helped me out as much as she could even giving me things for my apartment when I moved out and things for the baby. She was my doula for the birth and was absolutely wonderful with her support. I am in awe of her and her husband's generosity. Members of their church were very helpful to me as well (unlike my husband's church that barely even acknowledged I was home much less offered a helping hand in anyway). Even if they hadn't given me as much as they did, the fact that they opened their home up to me, someone they barely knew, is a testament of how loving and giving they are. They're both in school now, preparing for a life in the church, preparing to give even more of themselves to others and I'm just absolutely amazed by them. They are examples to uphold. They are good and moral and kind and decent and for sure deserve to be a part of the kingdom of Heaven (if there is one). If the world were full of people like them, it would be a peaceful world. And no, they're not perfect because no one is but my time with them was probably the most peaceful time I experienced in my life and I will always be grateful for that.
But, to those like my husband and his friend, that's not enough. They are not following the "rules". They need to be following the Old Testament part of the Bible. They should not celebrate Christmas or Halloween. Those things are evil and pagan. And it makes me sad because my husband could really do well to have a friend like my friend's husband instead of the friend he currently has. It makes me sad that there is so much of a sense of fear behind what they do. They really struggle, I think, to enjoy THIS world because they are so afraid of losing out in the next world. They are afraid of the Lake of Fire and it is because of that fear that they totally forget the important thing, love. They may preach it and talk about it but they don't practice it. They don't practice love. It's all about control and making sure that the rules are being followed and making sure the kids are following the rules and are not being influenced to stray or rebel. It's all about fear and fear is what can make religion dangerous. When fear is the basis of a religion, when control is used, religion becomes dangerous.
I will not believe something because of fear. I will not follow some arbitrary rules because I'm afraid of hell or the Lake of Fire. If I do something, I want it to be because it is the right thing to do. I don't want to hurt others. I may not have many beliefs but there are things that are important to me. Unfortunately, much of what is important to me has been deemed unacceptable by my husband because of his beliefs. And he will not respect my beliefs though he demands respect of his. And that I have many issues with as well.
So religion continues to be a struggle for me. I do not believe what my husband believes. I tried and it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel right. It always felt like I was forcing myself to believe these things and to do these things and I couldn't stand behind those beliefs 100%. Anything outside of those beliefs though are not accepted here in my house. So I'm left adrift, not sure what I believe, not respected for any beliefs I do have, and feeling lost and alone because I don't really have anywhere I really belong because I don't belong here really with someone who so thoroughly rejects any beliefs I may have that are outside of his. And I'm not free to find a place I do belong. So it's been a hard road and a lonely road and a very lonely marriage and that is why I struggle so much with religion. It has always been at least somewhat of a struggle for me but it has gotten much worse over the years and sadly, I will probably never be able to really find myself spiritually until I leave my marriage. Sad that it will have to come to that but really, that seems to be the only option I have.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
It's been awhile and I still don't really have much to write about.
Not that there hasn't been much going on because there has. I mean, it has been over three months now but it's hard to think about writing much of anything these days. To be honest, it's a struggle just getting from one day to the next. For a long time now, things have been stagnate for me. I wish I could say that I enjoy parenting but when you have a spouse who has very rigid ideas about things, it's hard to. And lately, it's hard for me to enjoy much of anything about life. There's nothing to look forward to. Fall, while it's my favorite time of year, just reminds me that there are holidays coming up that I can't participate in. The sense of loneliness and isolation is nearly unbearable. We identify with people who share in the same traditions and rituals as we do and when we don't have those, we feel lost and adrift. At least, I do. Due to my husband's religious beliefs, Halloween and Christmas are forbidden. I am not allowed to celebrate those holidays and I am not allowed to participate in anything relating to those holidays with my children. They are not even to watch a TV show that has either of those holidays in the episode but are to turn off the TV immediately. It's easy to take for granted how interwoven those holidays are in the fabric of our lives from October on until you find yourself not able to celebrate those holidays and forced to avoid them at all costs. It's nearly impossible to do so, especially in the US. It's not quite as hard in South Korea.
The Feast of Tabernacles is supposed to soften the blow but it has not due to the fact that the last time we went was back in 2007 and less than a month after we returned (it's a week long deal where you are required to travel somewhere else in order to partake in it and you save up and use 10% of the last year's income in order to partake in it), my husband lost his job. When we went in 2005, my husband lost both of his jobs within three months so it's not something I eagerly anticipate especially when saving up the 10% at this time is quite a hardship for us. But supposedly, it's supposed to all work out to being enough money for a nice vacation for a week never mind that the week also entails 2 hour church services every day (and some days, TWO two hour long services). These services are tedious enough for an adult, for a child, they must be absolutely mind numbing and not surprisingly enough, many children struggle to sit still leaving many a weary mother to wander the hallways (because, at least at the site we've gone to the last two times, they have yet to set up any kind of child friendly deal like Sunday school; the best they have to offer is a nursing area for mothers to hide).
My husband wants to go even though doing so would be extremely difficult. We don't have a car which is an absolute necessity for something like this. He wants to go even though he has yet to make any kinds of plan to do so. People reserve their lodging in June, months ahead of time. The Feast is in October this year and he doesn't even really know what he plans to do. I will not be going. There is little point in me doing so when I will have to spend the entire time starting at a TV set, trying to find something to do while my husband and older daughter are gone all day. I did that the first time I went down with him, back when I was pregnant with our firstborn. It wasn't fun. And though it's supposed to be a time for members of the different congregations to get together and see each other again, no one really noticed we were there, at least not enough to want to get together with. I have come to find that members of my husband's church really tend to not have much to do with each other. Some churches, you find members getting together for various things in the church and for fellowship and for things outside of the Sunday service. With his church, members get together ONLY on the Sabbath. They just make a really long day of it. My husband and daughter are gone on Saturdays not just for the two hour services but for a good hour or so after that. I guess that's fine but to me, it just doesn't seem like anyone has a relationship outside of the church and that's the part that frustrates me and it especially frustrated me when I returned from South Korea alone and almost 30 weeks pregnant. It's terribly lonely and when you add to that the isolation that tends to come from having to avoid everyone from October on because you can't celebrate certain holidays, it gets really isolating and when you add to that the cold and the days getting dark earlier and earlier, it's a recipe for severe depression.
This last year, I've lost a number of friends. One friend ended our relationship for the umteenth time because her relationship ended with my nephew (too long of a story to go into now). Supposedly, she was going to get back to me when the pain of her break up wasn't so hard to bear that it interfered with our relationship. Yeah, that was back in December and she's back to dating my nephew so I don't know what her deal is there other than the usual ill treatment of me. I don't even know why I consider her a friend other than the fact that I've known her close to 20 years now but I suppose when you take away the years we were not talking, it's probably considerably less than that. Another friend passed away and that has been very difficult for me because he was a replacement for my dad who never was the most stellar parent in the world and now that he's where he's at, I find it easier to just not talk to him at all. A third friend moved away. We still meet up here and there though when she is in town so her moving away is nowhere near as dramatic as the lost of the other two friends. Still, it's been a difficult change. My older sister also moved away to another state leaving our family feeling more fragmented than ever. Not that it was holding up all that well with my mom being gone but since she's the oldest, her moving so far away has had a great impact. There really isn't an older sibling now for me to rely on. My brother is nearby, yes, but not really available. It just leads even more to that sense of isolation and loneliness.
I suppose it wouldn't be so difficult if my marriage also wasn't struggling. Having kids put a huge strain on our marriage. It forced me to stay home and my husband to be the primary provider. Money is always tight. Both of us are always tired. We don't get much time together and unfortunately, my husband would rather prioritize time with the girls than with me. I know he can balance both out but he chooses not to and it's frustrating. He won't get a babysitter so we can go on a date. Dates are rare, very very rare. We had one about 11 months ago. Before that, it was more than a year. And before that, even longer. He would rather spend time as a family. We spend most of our time as a family. We ARE a family so it's not like we're not getting any family time. When he's home, it's pretty much family time. I want time with my husband. I want time with him to talk to him and plan our lives and figure out just where we're going down the road. No, instead, I may find out what his plans are when he just spontaneously mentions them or I find out that he's been making plans and preparing without even discussing it with me (he had started doing some of the preparation for going to Korea months before I even suggested we go back when he knew I had no desire at all to go). I don't know what he wants to do five years down the road or more. I know he wants to live in CA or AZ because he hates the Midwest and he hates winter. That's about it. I don't know how he plans to accomplish this and sadly, I can see him being in the same place five to ten years from now, the only difference is that he'll have worked and been fired from just about every single job that's available in this area. I know I have little confidence in him. It doesn't help that he really has been fired from just about every single job he has ever had. He starts to get bored and frustrated with where he's at and then he starts to screw up and make mistakes. Sometimes, because he doesn't take care of himself, he'll start to fall asleep on the job and gets fired because of that. He's lost numerous jobs due to falling asleep.
But I'm not supposed to be working. I'm supposed to be staying at home and taking care of the girls. I'm supposed to be the house wife. I'm supposed to be homeschooling. I'm supposed to be breastfeeding and doing the shopping and the laundry. I'm supposed to be following his beliefs as far as what the girls are to learn and believe. I'm not supposed to celebrate the holidays I have grown up with and loved as a child. I'm not supposed to go to school. I'm not supposed to do anything that alters my body such as have a tubal so I don't have to worry about becoming pregnant with any more children. I'm supposed to feed my children healthy food with as few ingredients as possible and I'm supposed to avoid high fructose corn syrup and MSG even though we get food assistance from the government that is limited. I'm supposed to be okay with him taking up to 20% out of each and every check: 10% for tithe and 10% for the Feast of Tabernacles. I'm supposed to be okay with not being on his checking account because he couldn't be bothered to wait until I could go with him before he set up the account. I'm supposed to be okay with having almost no say at all in MY life but to follow him where he wants to go even if that means going to South Korea YET AGAIN because he's not happy with the money he's making here.
I'm not okay. I'm miserable. I hate my life. I have days where I want to die. I have many nights where I go to sleep thinking that I will be just fine with not waking up the next day because the thought of living another 40 years depresses the crap out of me. I have nothing to look forward to. Yes, I have my children and yes, I must be a horribly selfish person for not thinking of my children but are they really mine? I mean yeah, I gave birth to them and I went through quite a bit giving birth to them but he makes all the rules and the rules do not take into account anything I would like to do with them. I can't take my older daughter to some activity that is going on on a Saturday because she's going to church with her dad and it's the Sabbath anyway so she can't do anything that day never mind that just about every single freaking thing that goes on for kids in this freaking town is on a freaking Saturday. I can't take her trick or treating or take her Christmas shopping for her dad and baby sister. I'm constantly faced with a list of "don't"s. Don't take her to Mc Donald's; don't have her around these people; don't have her involved with that; don't get her these books; don't let her watch this on TV. It's never ending. I'm tired of it. This was never how I envisioned a marriage. It's not a marriage. I don't have a partner. I have a father. I have a marriage that is similar to how things was when I was 18 and still living at home. I'm told I'm rebellious because I watch shows and read books he doesn't approve of. I'm told I'm rebellious when I bring home HAM for myself.
I had a controlling father, a VERY controlling father who was also very chauvinistic. The man literally (and I'm using the word correctly when I say this) would not make a sandwich for himself if there was a woman in the house. He felt that he should be waited on and worshiped because he was a man. I feared him so I didn't do much to fight back even though he was also verbally abusive. Towards the end, I did though. Towards the end I started to lose that fear. I don't fear my husband and it shows. I know I don't respect him. I run my mouth and say whatever I feel like saying whether the kids are around or not because I know it ticks him off. I have become that sick of him and it's getting to where I'm so sick of him that I would rather be alone than live with him and the children. I would rather have no one in my life and be completely and totally alone.
I should leave. I know I should leave and I think about leaving all the time. I'm afraid of leaving the girls. I know he would never hurt them. That's not the problem. He has trouble enough taking care of himself though and I fear that would carry over to the girls. I don't think he could handle all of the details he would have to handle like doctors and things like that. I worry that he would be even more likely to lose his job and the girls would suffer due to that. I'm also still nursing and feel that obligation heavily. Even though my youngest is over a year, I nursed her older sister considerably longer and I don't wish to shortchange her--at least not too much. I haven't even looked into medications even though I have probably been fighting post partum depression for well over a year because I'm afraid of taking anything that would force me to wean. I feel that sense of obligations all mothers feel, sometimes to the detriment of their own mental and physical health. And I could never take them with because my husband would fight me and it would be a vicious nasty fight and I'm afraid he would win and to be honest, I don't think I'm a good enough mother to not lose.
So I constantly feel a sense of failure in my life because I can't do much more than survive each day (and boy does that make me feel like I'm living with my parents again). But instead of having school to help me feel good about myself (because I had always been a good student except when things at home were REALLY hard which made high school kind of a struggle to get through), I have nothing. The mommy wars especially have me feeling like a colossal failure to the point where I avoid most parenting groups. If I could do it all over again, I would not have gotten married. I for sure would not have had any children. And it's not because I don't love them but because I'm not doing much better than my parents did with me. And the sad thing is, I'm starting to understand more and more why they were the way they were.
To be 30 and feel like life isn't going to get any better than this is positively depressing. And the idea that there's at least another 35-40 or more years of this is enough to make me want to drink to a stupor. All I want to do is run away and find myself and find an actual purpose for my life. And no, religion is not going to help. Religion is crap. The Bible is crap. Too many people out there use religion to enslave others. I want nothing to do with it. I want nothing to do with busting my butt for a POSSIBLE everlasting life. Not to mention, I hate this life enough to want to check out at times, WHY would I want to live forever? Even in the spirit? I just don't have faith that there is all that much outside of this life. And I don't fear hell or the lake of fire or wherever it is that bad/evil people are supposed to go when they die. To be honest, I fear life more. Physical pain is nothing compared to the deep emotional pain I feel day to day. Even if there is NOTHING out there after I die, it can't be much worse than this.
All I want (and I have EVER wanted) is to be loved and accepted for ME. Not loved and accepted because of what can be gotten from me. Not love and accepted based on my religious beliefs. Loved and accepted for ME as I am NOW, faults and all.
The Feast of Tabernacles is supposed to soften the blow but it has not due to the fact that the last time we went was back in 2007 and less than a month after we returned (it's a week long deal where you are required to travel somewhere else in order to partake in it and you save up and use 10% of the last year's income in order to partake in it), my husband lost his job. When we went in 2005, my husband lost both of his jobs within three months so it's not something I eagerly anticipate especially when saving up the 10% at this time is quite a hardship for us. But supposedly, it's supposed to all work out to being enough money for a nice vacation for a week never mind that the week also entails 2 hour church services every day (and some days, TWO two hour long services). These services are tedious enough for an adult, for a child, they must be absolutely mind numbing and not surprisingly enough, many children struggle to sit still leaving many a weary mother to wander the hallways (because, at least at the site we've gone to the last two times, they have yet to set up any kind of child friendly deal like Sunday school; the best they have to offer is a nursing area for mothers to hide).
My husband wants to go even though doing so would be extremely difficult. We don't have a car which is an absolute necessity for something like this. He wants to go even though he has yet to make any kinds of plan to do so. People reserve their lodging in June, months ahead of time. The Feast is in October this year and he doesn't even really know what he plans to do. I will not be going. There is little point in me doing so when I will have to spend the entire time starting at a TV set, trying to find something to do while my husband and older daughter are gone all day. I did that the first time I went down with him, back when I was pregnant with our firstborn. It wasn't fun. And though it's supposed to be a time for members of the different congregations to get together and see each other again, no one really noticed we were there, at least not enough to want to get together with. I have come to find that members of my husband's church really tend to not have much to do with each other. Some churches, you find members getting together for various things in the church and for fellowship and for things outside of the Sunday service. With his church, members get together ONLY on the Sabbath. They just make a really long day of it. My husband and daughter are gone on Saturdays not just for the two hour services but for a good hour or so after that. I guess that's fine but to me, it just doesn't seem like anyone has a relationship outside of the church and that's the part that frustrates me and it especially frustrated me when I returned from South Korea alone and almost 30 weeks pregnant. It's terribly lonely and when you add to that the isolation that tends to come from having to avoid everyone from October on because you can't celebrate certain holidays, it gets really isolating and when you add to that the cold and the days getting dark earlier and earlier, it's a recipe for severe depression.
This last year, I've lost a number of friends. One friend ended our relationship for the umteenth time because her relationship ended with my nephew (too long of a story to go into now). Supposedly, she was going to get back to me when the pain of her break up wasn't so hard to bear that it interfered with our relationship. Yeah, that was back in December and she's back to dating my nephew so I don't know what her deal is there other than the usual ill treatment of me. I don't even know why I consider her a friend other than the fact that I've known her close to 20 years now but I suppose when you take away the years we were not talking, it's probably considerably less than that. Another friend passed away and that has been very difficult for me because he was a replacement for my dad who never was the most stellar parent in the world and now that he's where he's at, I find it easier to just not talk to him at all. A third friend moved away. We still meet up here and there though when she is in town so her moving away is nowhere near as dramatic as the lost of the other two friends. Still, it's been a difficult change. My older sister also moved away to another state leaving our family feeling more fragmented than ever. Not that it was holding up all that well with my mom being gone but since she's the oldest, her moving so far away has had a great impact. There really isn't an older sibling now for me to rely on. My brother is nearby, yes, but not really available. It just leads even more to that sense of isolation and loneliness.
I suppose it wouldn't be so difficult if my marriage also wasn't struggling. Having kids put a huge strain on our marriage. It forced me to stay home and my husband to be the primary provider. Money is always tight. Both of us are always tired. We don't get much time together and unfortunately, my husband would rather prioritize time with the girls than with me. I know he can balance both out but he chooses not to and it's frustrating. He won't get a babysitter so we can go on a date. Dates are rare, very very rare. We had one about 11 months ago. Before that, it was more than a year. And before that, even longer. He would rather spend time as a family. We spend most of our time as a family. We ARE a family so it's not like we're not getting any family time. When he's home, it's pretty much family time. I want time with my husband. I want time with him to talk to him and plan our lives and figure out just where we're going down the road. No, instead, I may find out what his plans are when he just spontaneously mentions them or I find out that he's been making plans and preparing without even discussing it with me (he had started doing some of the preparation for going to Korea months before I even suggested we go back when he knew I had no desire at all to go). I don't know what he wants to do five years down the road or more. I know he wants to live in CA or AZ because he hates the Midwest and he hates winter. That's about it. I don't know how he plans to accomplish this and sadly, I can see him being in the same place five to ten years from now, the only difference is that he'll have worked and been fired from just about every single job that's available in this area. I know I have little confidence in him. It doesn't help that he really has been fired from just about every single job he has ever had. He starts to get bored and frustrated with where he's at and then he starts to screw up and make mistakes. Sometimes, because he doesn't take care of himself, he'll start to fall asleep on the job and gets fired because of that. He's lost numerous jobs due to falling asleep.
But I'm not supposed to be working. I'm supposed to be staying at home and taking care of the girls. I'm supposed to be the house wife. I'm supposed to be homeschooling. I'm supposed to be breastfeeding and doing the shopping and the laundry. I'm supposed to be following his beliefs as far as what the girls are to learn and believe. I'm not supposed to celebrate the holidays I have grown up with and loved as a child. I'm not supposed to go to school. I'm not supposed to do anything that alters my body such as have a tubal so I don't have to worry about becoming pregnant with any more children. I'm supposed to feed my children healthy food with as few ingredients as possible and I'm supposed to avoid high fructose corn syrup and MSG even though we get food assistance from the government that is limited. I'm supposed to be okay with him taking up to 20% out of each and every check: 10% for tithe and 10% for the Feast of Tabernacles. I'm supposed to be okay with not being on his checking account because he couldn't be bothered to wait until I could go with him before he set up the account. I'm supposed to be okay with having almost no say at all in MY life but to follow him where he wants to go even if that means going to South Korea YET AGAIN because he's not happy with the money he's making here.
I'm not okay. I'm miserable. I hate my life. I have days where I want to die. I have many nights where I go to sleep thinking that I will be just fine with not waking up the next day because the thought of living another 40 years depresses the crap out of me. I have nothing to look forward to. Yes, I have my children and yes, I must be a horribly selfish person for not thinking of my children but are they really mine? I mean yeah, I gave birth to them and I went through quite a bit giving birth to them but he makes all the rules and the rules do not take into account anything I would like to do with them. I can't take my older daughter to some activity that is going on on a Saturday because she's going to church with her dad and it's the Sabbath anyway so she can't do anything that day never mind that just about every single freaking thing that goes on for kids in this freaking town is on a freaking Saturday. I can't take her trick or treating or take her Christmas shopping for her dad and baby sister. I'm constantly faced with a list of "don't"s. Don't take her to Mc Donald's; don't have her around these people; don't have her involved with that; don't get her these books; don't let her watch this on TV. It's never ending. I'm tired of it. This was never how I envisioned a marriage. It's not a marriage. I don't have a partner. I have a father. I have a marriage that is similar to how things was when I was 18 and still living at home. I'm told I'm rebellious because I watch shows and read books he doesn't approve of. I'm told I'm rebellious when I bring home HAM for myself.
I had a controlling father, a VERY controlling father who was also very chauvinistic. The man literally (and I'm using the word correctly when I say this) would not make a sandwich for himself if there was a woman in the house. He felt that he should be waited on and worshiped because he was a man. I feared him so I didn't do much to fight back even though he was also verbally abusive. Towards the end, I did though. Towards the end I started to lose that fear. I don't fear my husband and it shows. I know I don't respect him. I run my mouth and say whatever I feel like saying whether the kids are around or not because I know it ticks him off. I have become that sick of him and it's getting to where I'm so sick of him that I would rather be alone than live with him and the children. I would rather have no one in my life and be completely and totally alone.
I should leave. I know I should leave and I think about leaving all the time. I'm afraid of leaving the girls. I know he would never hurt them. That's not the problem. He has trouble enough taking care of himself though and I fear that would carry over to the girls. I don't think he could handle all of the details he would have to handle like doctors and things like that. I worry that he would be even more likely to lose his job and the girls would suffer due to that. I'm also still nursing and feel that obligation heavily. Even though my youngest is over a year, I nursed her older sister considerably longer and I don't wish to shortchange her--at least not too much. I haven't even looked into medications even though I have probably been fighting post partum depression for well over a year because I'm afraid of taking anything that would force me to wean. I feel that sense of obligations all mothers feel, sometimes to the detriment of their own mental and physical health. And I could never take them with because my husband would fight me and it would be a vicious nasty fight and I'm afraid he would win and to be honest, I don't think I'm a good enough mother to not lose.
So I constantly feel a sense of failure in my life because I can't do much more than survive each day (and boy does that make me feel like I'm living with my parents again). But instead of having school to help me feel good about myself (because I had always been a good student except when things at home were REALLY hard which made high school kind of a struggle to get through), I have nothing. The mommy wars especially have me feeling like a colossal failure to the point where I avoid most parenting groups. If I could do it all over again, I would not have gotten married. I for sure would not have had any children. And it's not because I don't love them but because I'm not doing much better than my parents did with me. And the sad thing is, I'm starting to understand more and more why they were the way they were.
To be 30 and feel like life isn't going to get any better than this is positively depressing. And the idea that there's at least another 35-40 or more years of this is enough to make me want to drink to a stupor. All I want to do is run away and find myself and find an actual purpose for my life. And no, religion is not going to help. Religion is crap. The Bible is crap. Too many people out there use religion to enslave others. I want nothing to do with it. I want nothing to do with busting my butt for a POSSIBLE everlasting life. Not to mention, I hate this life enough to want to check out at times, WHY would I want to live forever? Even in the spirit? I just don't have faith that there is all that much outside of this life. And I don't fear hell or the lake of fire or wherever it is that bad/evil people are supposed to go when they die. To be honest, I fear life more. Physical pain is nothing compared to the deep emotional pain I feel day to day. Even if there is NOTHING out there after I die, it can't be much worse than this.
All I want (and I have EVER wanted) is to be loved and accepted for ME. Not loved and accepted because of what can be gotten from me. Not love and accepted based on my religious beliefs. Loved and accepted for ME as I am NOW, faults and all.
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