Well, I can't really deny it anymore...

...not that I could with the all day every day nausea but that's another story. I finally went in for an appointment today. John thought he had the day off so he scheduled an appointment for me at this one clinic that was recommended to me. Unfortunately, he found out that actually he did have to work but he just did one class today and took the rest of the day off to take me to my appointment since we really didn't know how to get to the place. So I went in and talked to the doctor and all that stuff and they did an ultrasound and there it was. At first we didn't see anything but then he found the little bean and we got to hear the heartbeat. We got a picture too which is weird since we didn't get a picture of Natalie until I was 18 weeks pregnant with her.

So yeah, I am definitely pregnant. I'm 10 weeks and 5 days along. I found out about 36 hours after I got to the US back in November. It's been a struggle dealing with the news and dealing with the fact that I will likely have to have the baby here unless I manage to find someone who can take me and Natalie in for three months until I have the baby in the US which I highly doubt. I wish I could say that seeing the doctor helped but with the language barrier and the fact that they have absolutely NO experience with plus sized women (they didn't have a blood pressure cuff big enough for my unfortunately large upper arms), I'm nervous. It didn't help that the peeing in the cup thing was just LOADS of fun. You see, some places in Korea do not have normal toilets. They have a toilet bowl in the floor that you have to sort of squat over and try to pee into (and somehow, at the same time, NOT pee on your clothes). I have tried VERY VERY hard to avoid these kinds of toilets and have managed to in the nine months I've been here (Natalie freaks out when she sees one and absolutely refuses to use them). Today, I had no choice but to not only pee into a cup but to do so while standing over this toilet bowl in the floor. I really don't know if I can do this here, I really don't. John and I had no intention to get pregnant and have the baby while we were still here. This was definitely not planned, a pull and pray that did not work this time around (though we THOUGHT we had pulled out in time).

I'm feeling very lost, very vulnerable, and just very overwhelmed and I really don't know what to do. And if that's not enough, I'm nauseous every single day from the time I get up until the time I go to bed and if anything, it's getting worse, not better (though I'm glad to see there was just ONE baby in there, I was beginning to think maybe I was having twins). The only thing I'm finding comforting about this is something I read that told me that bad nausea lead to a higher probability of girls over boys which is good, I'd rather have a girl because if we have a boy, John wants him circumcised and I don't even want to go there.

So, we'll see what happens. Next appointment is the end of January and hopefully they won't do so much this time around, it wasn't cheap!

As usual, my poor little blog gets neglected...

Vacation, while relaxing, has also been somewhat draining. Dealing with jet lag (among other things I'm not quite ready to get into just yet) has left me exhausted and looking to hit the sheets WELL before my normal night owl times. The friend I'm staying with has been dealing with her own problems due to an ex that I'm sure she had wanted to be done with before I arrived but unfortunately, is getting dragged into more and more as time goes by. As for me, surprising news has left me somewhat shocked and unsure what to think.

It's just a lot to take in and deal with, that's for sure and it definitely doesn't leave much time for blog writing. John has, for the moment, taken over my other blog since he is the one who is with Natalie at this time and so far, he's not doing too badly with it. We talk on the phone and online and quite a bit since there now seems to be a lot of things we need to figure out and decisions that we must make that will have an impact on us for quite some time. It just all makes me wish we could come home and angry that the economy here is still fragile and not improving very quickly.

Not much else going on at the moment though, just resting and enjoying what may be my last vacation for a very long time.

I made it to the US in one piece.

It was a pretty long trip and I was definitely exhausted by the time I got there. I don't sleep well on planes unfortunately. I'm enjoying my vacation so far though I ended up getting some news that have kind of put me into shock. I'm not quite ready to divulge what the news is quite yet but suffice to say, it was the LAST thing I expected to happen at this time. I'm dealing with a lot of emotions due to that. I'm trying to not think too much about it though since anything can happen in the next several weeks and just try to enjoy the time I have here since it may be the last time I'm able to visit for a long time.

I'm happy to be back though. I really missed being here and it's nice to have space for me and a place to put all of my stuff. The bed is nice and soft and very comfortable to sleep in. I bought a coffee pot and some coffee and I'm looking forward to making a pot of that. I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving. I just wish I wasn't so worried about the future but I am right now. That's the only bad side to everything, that and the fact that my appetite is down quite a bit. I'm still hoping everything will fall into place though, just didn't expect the news I got, that's for sure.

Today's the day!

It's after 2 in the morning and I'm trying to relax enough to go to bed for at least two hours. Yeah, that's not working out too well. I hate having pre-flight jitters, especially since I really do not sleep well on the plane, well at least the last time I flew which was the first time I flew. I'll be in the air less than 9 hours from now and man I really wish I had not looked at the clock because that SO did not help my nerves. I'm pretty much packed though, just need to shut down the computer and put it in the laptop bag. I have the documents I need and I'll just have a few things to throw into the bags tomorrow morning and then I should be pretty much set to go.

I got some pictures of the apartment tonight so I'll post those once I get all set up at my friend's house. Then you all can see just how much of a shoebox we live in!

Well, guess that's that. The next time anyone will hear from me online will likely be once I make it to Minneapolis. Ooh, that reminds me, I need to forward my flight information to my husband. Later!

So much for that.

I was trying to do a blog entry ever day for the NaBloWriMo even though I hadn't actually signed up for it. Yeah, didn't last long, what I get for trying to do it the same month I'm going to fly home. There's a lot I'd like to blog about but I just do not have the time to actually sit down and write about it and naturally, if I am going to write about things that are important to me, I'd like to have a bit of time to do so. I can't even sit down and write my poor mom a letter! Less than 48 hours to go and I still have laundry to do (though nothing I'm taking with, thankfully, just the last of Natalie's summer clothes) which is taking twice as long to dry now that the weather has gotten cool, dark, and damp; packing to finish including figuring out how much I spent on all of the stuff I bought here that I'm taking back to the states with me; dinner and a movie since I'm hoping to watch The Time Traveler's Wife before I go (read the book, want to see the movie); and just getting all the last minute details figured out including how to get to the airport possibly on my own since Natalie tends to be such a pain in the behind about going out anywhere and it would just take less time and less stress to go alone (pity we can't get her a babysitter for the day).

So yeah, that is what is going on with me and now, I really should get off of the computer and get some things done because I need to take off after John gets home from work for Gangnam to see what time the movie's playing tonight.

Less than five days to go...

...and I'm already starting to feel the stress of trying to get everything ready and packed and set for Sunday morning. Still have details to figure out for Sunday itself as far as getting to the airport and all that good stuff. My flight leaves at 11am Sunday the 8th (Korea time) and I will land in La Crosse, WI Sunday the 8th at about 2pm (Central time). Yes, time traveling rocks. While it will only have been about three hours time wise, I will have really been traveling for 18 hours and since I will be up at 5am, it's going to be a LONG day. Just hope I'll be able to sleep on the plane this time around.

I won't lie; I'm glad Halloween is over.

I don't celebrate Halloween. To be honest, it's not really a holiday I've ever gotten that much into. Sure, I've gone trick-or-treating a few times and I've been to a haunted house or two. On occasion, I've worn a costume and have gone to a Halloween party but it just does not interest me all that much. Part of it is being married to John, I'm sure. He doesn't celebrate Halloween and, with his religious beliefs, wants nothing to do with it. But even without that, unless I had married a die hard Halloween fanatic, I probably still would not be all that much into Halloween. First of all, I'm not that into horror movies and scary stuff. I don't choose to watch them and I definitely don't own any. Second, I'm not into the being sexy and strutting myself downtown thing. Third, I think the money that is charged for costumes is insane and I think the time and money that goes into getting ready for a night of mayhem is a little excessive. All this for some candy? Why not go to the store the next day and get it for half off? Oh, it's FREE...that's why... So what? You can't pick the candy you get and most people will buy the cheap garbage anyway and give that to you, that nasty old peanut butter taffy stuff that's in black or orange paper. And if you're too old to be out trick-or-treating, you won't get candy anyway!

I guess, I just don't see the point of it. I love fall. I think pumpkins rock and the weather is beautiful and the colors and smells the best of any season. But, I can have all of that without celebrating Halloween. Granted, Natalie would look absolutely adorable in a costume but, what's the point? Most years, (especially in Wisconsin), it's freaking COLD! I remember a couple of years going out in the SNOW! One year, I was especially blessed to be delivering papers on Halloween and since back then Halloween fell AFTER the change to standard time, I was out in the dark and in the rain. Not a fun night, that's for sure though I did get a couple of pieces of candy for my troubles. Why not just dress your kid up in cute costumes for pictures instead? In fact, there are studios in Korea that do just that! You can dress your little girl up in princess costumes (Snow White especially is quite popular here due to the dark hair) and get their pictures taken. Perfect. And you won't even have to try to wrestle a whole bunch of bad-for-them candy from them later on. We try to teach them every other night of the year that all things should be in moderation but let them go crazy on one night? Doesn't make much sense.

I don't know, it's a day that just takes over the entire month of October. And yet, when it's over and done and November rolls around, not much is said about Thanksgiving until it's pretty much right on top of us and then, it's usually eclipsed by Christmas (which I won't go into right now). Let's think about this for a minute. A month that contains a holiday that's about being thankful is boxed in by two months that really have more to do with asking for things than about anything else (and do not go there about Jesus being the reason for the Christmas season because He's not). And those months with their holidays are glorified while Thanksgiving is barely mentioned except in terms of dinner, Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade (complete with Santa riding in at the end), Black Friday, and maybe pilgrims if you have a child in elementary school.

I have wondered about Thanksgiving at times, wondered if it is part of one of the Biblical holidays known to us as the Feast of Tabernacles. I have wondered if it was sort of separated from that and made into it's own American holiday due to the one that was celebrated here between the pilgrims and the natives. I don't know. For me, since we don't celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving is considered more of an American holiday since it doesn't have the pagan origins that other holidays do, Thanksgiving is the big family holiday for us. And Thanksgiving is the time to remember those blessings that we have received during the last year.

So, let's take this month to remember our blessings and not be so quick to shut it aside for the two holidays on either side of it. It's those blessings that make life worth living.

A brand new month and less than a week before I head home!

Things are just crazy, crazy, crazy around here as I get ready to go and still try to keep on top of the other things I've been doing here. I did get a couple of short stories written in October for the Writer's Guild including one that just positively creeped out those who have read it so far. I actually don't do too badly with writing really short stories. There's not much in the way of details you have to have and you can just sort of end it anywhere, it doesn't have to be tied up all nice and neat. It takes a little time though to sit and write so not every week has been productive and this week especially nothing is going to get done because I'm leaving. But it helps to get some of those writing juices going again since I hadn't done any real writing in a very long time, just blog writing.

I'm also getting more involved in the knitting group, especially now that there's a local one for me to attend. And by local, I mean REALLY local, just a few blocks away! That's REALLY nice and it helps that the person who set it up pretty much lives in the same neighborhood. Spending a Saturday morning knitting and talking I think is a very nice way to pass the time especially as John doesn't do anything on Saturdays and this Saturday in particular was cool and rainy (and Halloween and I didn't really want any part of that). I've been meeting up with other members as well and going on outings with them. I met up with two of them on Thursday in Itewon (the foreigner district) for a manicure and pedicure (that's pretty much my birthday/anniversary present since John never really got me anything). I also met up with one of them the next night for a trip to Myeongdong which is a large shopping area. Last week was a trip to Dongdaemun, a HUGE craft shopping area and I'm not kidding when I say huge, the entire basement floor of the place was knitting stuff including yarn, knitting needles, etc. I got several balls of yarn and a thing if needles for a total of around $22. Not too bad and I like the colors I got. I'm still working on my first project which isn't much, just knitting practice and something that will end up being a blanket or something for one of Natalie's dolls but it helps to practice both knitting and purling, casting on and hopefully casting off (haven't done that yet). The next project will be more of the same but maybe practicing more of a pattern, we'll see. I just want to get the basics down so I can make something more complex later on.

There's definitely a ton to do and a ton to see here. I'm getting into great shape with all of the walking and stair climbing I'm doing. It's not always possible to take the elevator or the stairs so yeah, I do a LOT of stair climbing, especially in subway stations. And one a busy walking day, I definitely am going, going, going. The only thing I'm NOT doing is carrying Natalie around (even I have my limits!). John does that though, poor thing, she's not exactly light. Today, we went to Insadong which is a huge art shopping area. All kinds of crafts and things to check out and lots of items to buy, some cheap and some quite expensive! It's a pretty long street so we did a bit of walking there. Then we grabbed a bite to eat, got back on the subway and went to Myeongdong so I could pick up more socks from that shopping area. I had picked up a few pairs the other night and loved them so much I had to get more. They're the really soft socks and they come in all kinds of colors.

From there, we got back on the subway and headed for home. John and Natalie had to get off at the Express Bus Terminal because Natalie had to go potty. We had planned that I would stop in Ori and pick up a few things from the Home Plus and head home. Well, I realized I had almost no money to do that and John's the only one with a bank card. So I wanted for him at the transfer point in Suseo to see if I could catch up with him there. I waited and waited and finally, just as I was about to get back on the subway, I get a phone call. He had called me from a pay phone to ask me about Natalie's gloves. I didn't have them but I was able to tell him to meet me up in Ori. lol He did find the gloves and we agreed to meet in Ori at the exit near the Home Plus. I got there probably a good half hour before him so I finished watching my Voyager episode on my MP3 player, walked out of a different exit, stopped over at the Tom N Tom's coffee place and grabbed a cinnamon chocolate hot chocolate drink. YUM! It was getting cold out so this was a nice fall treat. John and Natalie met up with me shortly after that and we did our shopping. We got a new blanket (since it was going to get COLD) and a few other items and took a cab home. It was a LONG day! We left the house at around 11:30 so that I could meet up with this guy who had gotten a letter that my mom sent me by mistake (I do not know what was up with that, especially since John had been going to the post office almost every day for the last almost two months) and we didn't get home until almost 11pm. I'm hoping the rest of this week won't be quite as hectic, next Sunday is going to be crazy enough since that's the day I fly home.

And that's just a small example of what we've been doing the last month. Every weekend, something's been up and I've been gone or all three of us go out somewhere and do something and weekdays can get pretty hectic too. I'm looking forward to actually getting a chance to RELAX! lol Going home will REALLY seem like a vacation though I do plan to do a lot, it's just not going to be quite as hectic as it has been here. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

The next several weeks should be quite interesting...

...as today, I bought a round trip ticket going to and from the US. I leave for Wisconsin November 8th and will return here December 9th. I will be going alone as I am staying with my best friend at her new apartment/townhouse/condo. Way back when we first started planning, John promised that if I needed it, he would make sure the money was there for me to go home. Fortunately, he has followed through, though to be honest, I'm actually using the tax return money from back in March that's been in my account but he will be putting more money into the account too. I've been needing this, to be honest. Living here has had its perks (like actually having money for once) but at the same time, it's not home. I do tend to feel lost in a sea of people who speak a language that is not mine, lost in smells that still have not become familiar to me, and just in general, adrift from all I am familiar with. Even a simple thing like the mail has become incredibly complicated and I still have two packages that I suspect I am never going to see because of one stupid blasted error which would not have been made if addresses here had any sort of consistency to them! Anyway, there have been some good days and many bad and the lack of support here has been really hard (many foreigners here are just not helpful and, in fact, tend to be quite rude, to be honest) and a month back home where I can shop for the things I need and actually have the money to do so may be just the thing to help me get through the next year or so we may end up here.

Not that I spend the days moping and stuff like that (though I have my moments). There's a ton to see and do here and public transportation is great at getting you just about wherever you need to go in the Seoul Metro area. It's a great place to visit; it's a great place to work for a year or two, do fun things you wouldn't have the money to do at home, and buy some neat souvenirs. But living here for more than that after being used to the standard of living in the US that most are used to, that's not for everyone. For sure, it's not for me. And I think, if John really thought about it, he would realize it's not for him either. The man would just about starve to death if he had to live here indefinitely because the food that's available here compared to what's available at home is just not as varied and considering John's religious beliefs leaves out pork and seafood, right there that takes away a good amount of what he would be able to eat here (and Natalie as well, not that she eats any meat). Space is also hard to come by. Apartments are SMALL. There's a reason I changed my blog to the name it has now. There are three rooms here and by that, I don't mean bedrooms. The largest is the kitchen, then there's the bedroom, and the bathroom is the smallest room of all. For three people, things get awfully cramped and tempers can easily flare. I don't do well cooped up in a small place (last time I really had to do that was the summer I spent with my mom, brother, and little sister in a 10 foot pop up camper after our house burned down). I like having my own space. I like having a place to put everything. I don't have that here and that's VERY hard on me. As hard as those are, I think the biggest challenge is the lack of support. The recruiter hires you for the job. Your ticket may/may not be paid for by the school. You fly in. You're picked up by the school and taken to your apartment and that's IT. No one helps you figure out how to work your washer or your heat. No one tells you where the best place to get pizza is. No one tells you how the MAIL works. No one tells you how you can find any number of items you may need. You have to figure that out yourself in a country that has an entirely different alphabet than any English speaking country (and a mailing system that really makes no bloody sense whatsoever!). If that's not enough to cause a severe case of homesickness, I don't know what is.

John gets by pretty well, he dealt with the Korean language back when he was in the army. I managed to figure out the beginning character for Gray's Anatomy and that's about it. I'm literally pushing buttons on things to figure out how they work. I can't read half of the text messages I get on my cell phone and there are days that the whole experience is very overwhelming. Languages are not my forte as it is and Korean has been very difficult for me to figure out. Most languages you learn in school come easy enough because you at least know the alphabet. With Korean, you have to learn the alphabet and THEN learn the words.

Unfortunately, it doesn't really improve much from there. You are pretty much left alone to your own devices. Now, for some, it's easy to meet other people and get by that way. But that doesn't work for everyone. There are groups online but anything that would set you apart at home definitely sets you apart here. So the fact that John and I are here with our daughter, having the religious beliefs we have, and having the parenting beliefs we have really sets us apart from everyone else. The not vaccinating especially really tends to irk a lot of the foreigners here for some strange reason and asking about getting healthcare with a doctor who is okay with not vaccinating, in some groups, is akin to admitting that you've committed mass murder. The sad thing is, many of those people probably think you HAVE committed mass murder by not vaccinating, that's how dearly some people hold onto those so-called truths of the CDC. And religion...I don't even want to get into religion, it's too big of a subject to even begin to tackle. But if the parenting beliefs don't scare people off, the religious beliefs do. I haven't done too badly finding friends in this area, so long as I stick to finding friends for myself. Finding friends for Natalie since we left Ilsan has been very, very difficult. I have no doubt she's lonely and could use a playmate. Korean children look at her like she's an exibit at the zoo (no, I'm not joking, they really do, they'll even point and stare at her) and the few non-Korean children I've seen I just haven't been able to strike up much of a friendship with their parentals.

So that's been the struggle and after being here 7 months now, I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed and a little homesick. If things had gone the way they should have and John had been on top of things like he should have, we would have all at least gone home for the Feast of Tabernacles but he didn't and we didn't and I can't wait until next year. I need some time to go home and take care of things and spend time with my friends and take a much needed mental rest before I lose it. I'm already starting to feel the strain of living here (especially after the four months I had before I left for Korea) and I need that time to go and embrace all those things I once took for granted in the US (ovens, dryers, Reese's peanut butter cups, REAL COFFEE). Hopefully, after that month, I'll be able to come back and deal with what's here for awhile without going too crazy. At least I'll know what to expect when I do come back.

Been pretty busy lately.

One thing for sure, living in a place that's really too small for you motivates you to go out because otherwise you would go insane from cabin fever. We get out, quite a bit. Sometimes we go out during the week and take it easy during the weekend and sometimes we get out during the weekend and not as much during the week. John has a five day weekend (along with many other ESL teachers in Korea) due to the Korean holiday coming up that's basically their Thanksgiving and Christmas combined. So, naturally, the plan is to go out and do things because five days cooped up with both John and Natalie is sure to drive me NUTS! In the meantime, I've also been joining groups both online and in person (the one sort of leads to the other). One of the first things I found was a group for those who go to the Mosaic which is an English cafe at a subway stop just three down from ours called Jeongja. There's food and a place to sit and relax and it's just a nice place for people who speak English to meet up. So, it started there. Then I found another group (which I had kind of perused before but didn't join since it didn't seem very active but when I did join, things kind of started to get hopping and I was able to find out about places to go to and I even got an MP3 play from a group member for a nice price ($120 for a Samsung P3 which is AWESOME!). That led to joining a writing guild that meets once a week. It has also led to joining an online group called Stitch & Bitch (that's honestly the name of it!) which has to do with knitting which I had been thinking of taking up because I needed a hobby to keep me occupied. So, I met one of the members for the first time last night and she introduced me to knitting. I found that to be very relaxing and now I just need to find some nicer yarn but I've heard that yarn is kind of expensive here. Another group I joined on Facebook introduced me to one person who just moved to the Seoul area and we met for the first time on Saturday and have made plans to meet up again today.

Whew! And that doesn't include the person I met a couple of weeks ago from either the same group or another group I met the person I'm getting together with today. lol Most have been of the non-parental nature but to be honest, I actually kind of like that. It's a nice break from the parenting thing. That probably sounds bad but there are times when it gets overwhelming and I could use a little bit of a break. John is a perfectly capable father and is able to deal with any issues that may come up. I think it helps me be a better parent because then I'm able to regroup and be able to focus on parenting again. I'm one of those people who need adult interaction. I can let loose but I need to be able to have adult conversations and John isn't much for them (other than the occasional pillow talk once we get Natalie in bed and that's if HE'S not asleep) and Natalie makes it next to impossible to really have an adult conversation and naturally, Natalie just isn't old enough. I was getting some through my various online groups but I wanted to be able to go out, go shopping, and do things without worrying about my three year old having a temper tantrum in the middle of the store.

It's one of the big reasons why I'm really looking into going to the US without Natalie in November. Admittedly, a big part of it is that I would be staying with my best friend and her house is not child friendly (understandably, she has no kids). It would be kind of stressful staying with her with Natalie. I wouldn't be going to the US otherwise, to be honest. My friend has been wanting me to come back and visit, especially once she moved out of her apartment where the landlord only allowed her guests to stay for two days a week. It's all tentative though and there's still a lot details to work out but I'm hoping it all goes through. It would be nice to spend the time with my best friend and be able to bake, shop, and have Thanksgiving dinner. If it ends up not going through though, it's good to know that I won't be bored at least, especially since the cooler weather will make walking through the various markets easier.

This really bothers me...

There's a family I became aware of not too long ago on one of my parenting boards. The mom was asking for prayers because she was facing prosecution for having a homebirth in Ohio. Yes, prosecution, she was facing charges for endangering her child's life for having a homebirth. A group on Facebook has been set up and you can join it here:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1017828571&v=feed&story_fbid=173459489767#/group.php?gid=140938029710

I think this is absolutely absurd. This has NOTHING to do with the health of the baby. In this situation especially, the baby was fine. Mom was blacking out a little and the midwife didn't have oxygen (since I guess it was illegal for her to have it on her) so it was decided that the family would call the EMTs to be on the safe side. It was doing that that has brought about these charges. But again, this has nothing to do with the health of the baby or babies in general. In the Netherlands, about 30% of births are homebirths. In the US, about 33% of births are cesareans. Take a guess as to which country has the lower infant mortality rate. I'll make it easy, it's NOT the United States. So, if the high rate of homebirths in the Netherlands leaves that country with a lower infant mortality rate than why is this woman being prosecuted? Money, pure and simple. Money has lead various groups to go against homebirths because as long as women give birth at home, hospitals lose money. I mean, you do know that hospitals make a TON of money off of births, don't you? Yeah, they do and they make even more money when a women ends up with a cesarean, considerably more. So, these groups play off of the fears of women, make them afraid of something happening to their babies, and really push home the idea that the ONLY SAFE place for a woman to have a baby is a hospital.

Now, don't get me wrong, for some women that is the safest place. Women with high risks pregnancies are best served in a hospital. But for women with healthy, low risk pregnancies, there's little to no reason to go to a hospital unless that is what the woman wants. But really, to be honest, doctors make pregnancy sound like a risky venture, don't they?

The fact that this family is facing these trials greatly concern me, especially as I consider any future birth plans of my own. My daughter's birth was a rather traumatic cesarean (with lots of drama just moments before the surgery between my husband and my family) and it has taken me a long time to recover from that and I'm still not fully recovered from it. I'm scared to become pregnant. I am honest to goodness scared of becoming pregnant. At the same time, I feel the urge to have another child but that fear, at the moment, is still stronger. I'm scared of getting pregnant here because I don't think it's possible to have a VBAC in a situation where I don't know the native language. I'm scared of getting pregnant at home because my options are limited. My chance of having another cesarean are pretty high and that concerns me. I've already told John that if I ever get pregnant again and that pregnancy ends with a cescarean, it WILL be my last. I will request a tubal at that point. Twice will be bad enough, I will not go through a third time. And I will not go through another several years of being afraid to become pregnant.

Roe vs Wade was about women having reproductive rights and making decisions about their own bodies. Why is it that women can make that decision when it comes to killing her child but she can't make those decisions when it comes to bringing her child into the world?

Just another Manic Monday.

Well, maybe not so manic. lol More manic for John who had to be at work by 9 than for me and definitely not for Natalie who is still sleeping (thank goodness!). I'm just sitting here drinking my second cup of flavorless, freeze dried (with creamer and sugar added) coffee. I REALLY need to get a coffee pot and some REAL coffee. *sigh* Anyway, yesterday we took our big trip to Ilsan to do some shopping since we know where everything is there and we're still trying to figure out where things are here and sorry to say, this area is just majorly lacking in a lot of things compared to Ilsan, like a decent outside mall! I got seriously spoiled there, I'll admit because Yongin (at least where we live) is just not set up the same way and just about every time we go out, there's something I'm not able to find that I can find in Ilsan very easily. The problem is is that it's two hours to Ilsan by subway. So, for me, timewise, it's the equivilent of going from La Crosse to Madison. But for me, it's totally worth it for those few things we just need to have and it makes my life a little happier in a strange foreign land (though I'm REALLY hoping we can pull off a way for me to make a visit to the states in November).

Unfortunately, even with lavender lotion, Natalie was not all that keen to go to bed early Saturday night and John and I both got to bed even later so getting all of us up at 9am didn't quite work out. And then, there's all the getting ready stuff that tends to take forever no matter how much we don't want it to but finally, we're ready to take off and we take our long walk to the subway because there are no bus stops between our apartment and the subway stop (one of the BIG things I hate about living here compared to Ilsan). The walk tends to be a little dangerous at times because we have to cross a street that is NOT run by traffic lights. There are lights there but they are permanently set to flashing orange and therefore worthless because the drivers here do not heed them AT ALL which makes crossing the street kind of similar to a game of Frogger. I'm convinced someday, SOMEONE is going to get run over hopefully, NOT one of us! The little street (which has a light) was a little better to cross but that has been known to be hard to cross too because people do not always heed the red light. We cross that, head up the footbridge and into the Emart. I like going through the Emart and the department store because it means less time for me to be outside (since it was already pretty warm afternoon) and I can go down the escalator (actually more of a conveyer belt thing you can put your cart on too) and not have to do quite as much walking. We go through the Emart and take the shortcut to the department store that's right by it (the largest department store in the world--IE: most branches). I grabbed a couple of snack things for me and John and Natalie get some pinapple on a stick. We made a quick bathroom stop and we tried to get Natalie to go too but no such luck. I prefer using the department store for that because not only is there a regular potty in one of the stalls, there's also a potty that's Natalie's size. It's SO CUTE! It's her size but it's also attached to the plumbing so it flushes like a real potty! No, this is not a typical bathroom for Korea, there are still some toilet stalls that have floor toilets (basically the female version of a urinal) but newer places do tend to have better bathrooms. From there, we go to the subway station. I put some money on my card since I was low on funds (both John and I have a card to use to get through the machines at the subway stations, Natalie is free) and we head upstairs to catch the subway. We had a few minutes to wait so we all sat down. This one guy near us tried to offer Natalie a BUG! I don't know what it was but it was some big fly/bee/roach looking thing. I wouldn't let Natalie take it and I was kind of freaked out by the fact that this guy was even offering some large dead bug to my daughter. Yuck! It was after 1pm before we finally got going and the plan was to get back on the subway in Ilsan by 9pm so that we can get to Suseo and on the yellow line before it closed (since we got stranded the LAST time we did a large trip because we didn't get to the yellow line in time and therefore, we didn't get home until after 1 in the morning and John had to work the next day).

So, we're on the subway, and we're trying to get Natalie to actually sit down and behave and not run around mooching off of people (she's really into that and it doesn't help that people here LOVE her and want to give her ALL kinds of stuff including candy, gum, and other things John and I don't want her to have). I set her up with my old MP3 player, the headphones and Abba playing. That lasted about four songs before she got bored. Finally, I just put my headphones in and sort of zoned out which was easy since I had gotten maybe six hours of sleep the night before. In Suseo, we got out for our transfer. We climb up a bunch of steps (never a favorite of mine) and pick up the subway for Madu station, our stop. John also bought Natalie a waffle to munch on. There's not much to see on the subway because it is mostly underground. Sometimes, it comes out and you can see part of the city it is going by. I really like one of the stops because it is near Seoul and the subway is outside crossing a bridge. The air conditioning was on and I was almost cold which was nice because it definitely was warm outside. Natalie was enjoying herself being doted on by three older ladies who telling us in pantomime that Natalie needed her bangs cut. There was also a younger child on the subway that Natalie went over to look at since she's got a bit of a baby obsession going right now. Natalie was also squeezing herself in next to people and talking to them in the hopes of getting some little trinket in return (which is her usual MO when she's on the subway).

John and I start to make plans for the things we're going to do. We already had plans but John wanted to get off at an earlier stop, catch a bus, and go to the bakery near his last place of employment and pick up my bread (they have the best baguettes in Korea as far as I'm concerned). I wanted to get off at the subway stop near the Krispy Kreme and pick up a little treat for myself and maybe for Natalie. John wanted to take Natalie with since she likes to ride the bus. Natalie wanted to go with me and get a treat. That got resolved pretty quick one subway stop earlier than planned. Natalie, who wasn't able to go potty before we got on the subway, had to go potty. So they got off and I stayed on until my stop which was three stops from Madu. I went over to the Krispy Kreme, picked up a few donuts, had mine and put Natalie's in a bag. I stayed long enough to eat, then went back out. I was going to go to the subway right from there but backtracked when something caught my eye outside of a little store. I went in and found a few cheap items to buy including a couple of purple baskets (we need baskets to help with organizing here) and a set of marker stamps for Natalie. That was around 7000 won. I got back on the subway and got off three stops later at Madu.

From Madu, I crossed the street then headed for Newcore which is where Kim's Club is at which was where I needed to pick up some (EXPENSIVE!) parmesan cheese and my chicken broth. On the way, I see bags of potatoes at a stand for a reasonable price (potatoes are not easy or CHEAP to find in Korea) and made a mental note to mention it to John when we caught up (which I completely forgot to do). I get to Newcore and made a stop at the Skin Food on the way to the escalator. They didn't have the foot lotion I was looking for so I didn't pick up anything though the sales person kept trying to help me (I really need to learn "I'm just looking!" in Korean). I got to the escalator and took that up to the 7th floor where Modern House is. Modern House has a lot of home type stuff there and there's also a kid's section that's really nice. I've been able to find some stuff for Natalie there on clearance including her purse. I walked around, found some nice things but nothing I wanted to get and nothing to get for Natalie. I left that section of the store and went over to where the hair bows and things were and found a headband for Natalie for 2000 won. I hadn't bought her any headbands yet so I figured I get her one. Saw some other bows I liked but they were more than I wanted to spend at the moment. I went over to the small stationary area but didn't find anything there I wanted to get. I got back on the escalator and went down one floor to the children's clothing area. Looked around there. I saw some shoes that I wouldn't have minded getting Natalie but passed because I couldn't find anything smaller than 180. She wears a size 170 here and that fits but I would really like to find something between 170 and 180. The 170 is starting to get small but she can still wear it, the 180 is way too big (I'm guessing she's at a half size and above 160, Korean shoes for young girls do not have half sizes) so until she really grows out of her Strawberry Shortcake shoes, I'm not getting her new shoes because shoes are stinking expensive here! Not to mention, since she ended up getting TWO pairs of crocs (because one pair was stolen while she was at a play place) and another pair of shoes that are currently too big, I've spent more than enough money for shoes at the moment for her and I refuse to buy her shoes that would either be way too big or close to being too small especially with winter being about three or four months away. When she grows out of the shoes she has now, I'll look for new shoes for her though I may get her dress shoes before that.

I spent a few more minutes looking around on that floor then got on the escalator and worked my way down to the market section. John called me on the cell phone while I was heading down. He was just outside and would meet me inside. I told him to meet me by the dairy section where the parmesan cheese would be. I get down there, pick up my items, and stand around waiting for John. I found everything I was going to get there which was about five items (not cheap items though, that's for sure!). I finally see the two of them and catch up to them. John wanted to pick up a few more things so he grabbed a basket and I sat down just outside the checkout lines because my legs were starting to get sore. While I was waiting, I grabbed a cappicino blast from the Baskin Robbin's that was right there and Natalie and I shared that. Since we were also by the area that had several fish tanks, I told Natalie to go look for Nemo. It took her a few minuts but she was able to find a tank that had a bunch of clown fish in it. She was very happy to find "Memo". While we're sitting a young girl and her mom come over and the girl tries to talk to Natalie. The way they were looking at her made me feel a little strange and when John finally came back and they had left, I mentioned to him that it seemed like they were looking at her like she was some kind of a zoo animal. It's strange the attention she gets here and she doesn't even have blond hair! She had blue eyes though and is definitely not Asian so that gets quite a bit of attention here right there. Still, Ilsan has a fairly large foreign population and I have seen other kids here so I'm not sure why she seems to draw so much attention there.

We all take a quick bathroom break. Natalie, of course, doesn't have to go. We decide to head over to Western Dom which is a large outdoor mall area. That's where we're planning to have dinner and was also where I was going to take Natalie to get her first professional hair cut. She was well overdue for a bang trim and I also wanted to get the rest of her hair done professionally as I really don't trust my own cutting job. We walk, crossing the two big streets (since at this point, we're downtown). When we get there, we see the fountain is one and Natalie of course wants to go right in and get wet (thank goodness we packed another outfit for her). Unfortunately, before she gets in, she starts squatting down because she has to go potty. John takes her to the bathroom and I sit and watch all the kids getting wet in the fountain. They finally get back and Natalie spends the next five to ten minutes getting soaking wet before the fountain shuts off. John takes her back to the bathroom to change her clothes. In the meantime, the fountain comes back on only now with colors. They get back down but we don't let Natalie get wet again but head over for the Skin Food store which is on the way to the hair place. There, I pick up the peppermint foot lotion (which this store at least has), the avacado conditioner (part of my no-poo routine) and a Grape Seed Oil body wash. That wasn't too badly priced and the sales person added in a bunch of samples too which was nice.

From there, we walked to the hair place. I wanted to get Natalie's bangs cut and the back of her hair cut a little so that it was nice and even and I didn't have to worry about it for a good year or so (except for the bangs unless I decide someday to let them grow out). They get a stylist who knows English and we wait a few minutes while he finishes up and prepares for Natalie. The hair cut itself didn't take too long though it took a little bit to get him to understand how short we wanted the bangs (just over the eyebrows) and I had to hold Natalie's head still a few times because she kept moving. She didn't seem impress with the experience. She was sort of glum about it the whole time and looked a little anxious. John had planned to make a quick run to La Fiesta where the Olive Young is for the face wash and Dr. Bronner's we were going to get but I had him stick around because it seemed like it was going to be over pretty quick and I was having trouble understanding the hair stylist, even with the English. Without the hair washing or blow drying (I'm particular when it comes to Natalie's hair and my own hair drying fiasco was not something I wished to repeat with Natalie), everything got done in a short amount of time and the price was okay though it was not something I would do more than once a year, if even that, especially since her hair is pretty much one length.

After that, we walked down to the Croc store since I wanted to get a pair of crocs. I found a pair just like the ones my younger sister had and got them. They were a little on the expensive side but they'll last awhile. From there, we walked over to the elevator that would take us up to Uno's, where we had planned to have dinner. Dinner was pretty good. Natalie was a little restless but no more than usual and she wasn't too difficult. We got done with that and started heading back down stairs when I remembered that I needed to replace my coin purse so I walked down to the little store that carries the coin purses I liked, picked up one quick, paid for it and walked back to where I last saw John and Natalie and they weren't there. I had told them to wait for me because I was just running over to the other store real quick and would be right back. No, they didn't wait and I had no idea where they went. I spent several minutes looking for them around the area then finally decided to walk over to the Olive Young that was in that area (there's two of them, one in Western Dom, one in La Fiesta but the nearby one doesn't carry Dr. Bronner's, only the one at La Fiesta does). I walked over there and found them. I found the facial scrub I use (one of the things I CANNOT find in this area for some stupid reason) and picked up two of them hoping that that will last me for a little while at least and had John pay for them because I had no cash at this point. We still had to go to the other Olive Young AND we were hoping to stop at Costco's all before getting on the subway by 9:30. I didn't look like we were going to make it. John was going to make a quick dash to the Olive Young while Natalie and I had a quick frappe at A Twosome Place. One problem, they were no longer carrying the frappes I liked. Grr, I HATE when companies change the things they offer! So I decided I would walk with them to the plaza near the subway stop and rest there while John made his run. By then, my legs and knee were KILLING me. I rested while John made his run and Natalie sat next to some guy and talked to him (she's an equal opportunity moocher). John gets back and we walk to the subway stop. It's almost 9:30 by the time we get on and I get nervous because we don't know when the last stop is and I'm afraid we're going to be stranded again. It didn't help that Natalie had to go potty not even half an hour into our trip home and then it took the two of them FOREVER to get that done causing us to miss the next subway. Fortunately, even with all of that, we were able to get on the yellow line and it did take us all the way to our station. From there we caught a cab and we got home just before midnight. Whew! Long day all around and we didn't get over to Costco's but we did get quite a bit done.

Hard to believe it's the end of July already.

We've been here in Yongin City aka Jukjeon for about two weeks now. There are definitely some differences between where we live now and where we lived before. While John enthusiastically appreciates some of the differences, I'm not quite as keen on them. The big difference is location. In Ilsan, we were right smack dab in the downtown area, just a block and a half away from the subway station and the bus stop. John's school was not near by and that required him to take a bus which meant that he ususally wasn't home until around 6 at night even though he got done with work at 5:15. Here, John is just five minutes away from work by foot but we're a bit farther from the subway and bus stops than we were before and usually, it's a bit of a hike to get from here to there, a hike that includes hills and crossing streets that are not very well regulated by traffic lights and even when they are, the driver's don't always heed the red lights which can be frustrating at times when you're trying to cross the street with your three year old (makes it a bit of a life and death adventure as well). So far, I'm able to handle the hike though on warm, muggy days it can be a bit much and with my one foot giving me issues, not something I can just up and do every day (if I overdo it one day, like yesterday, I tend to be out pretty much all of the next day). It has gotten to where we will use a taxi to get home because even with the buses going from the subway station (which is where the department store and the E-mart are), they tend to stop a bit aways from where we need to go while the taxi takes us right to the door for about 100 won more than it used to cost John and I to take the bus one way (Natalie's free on the bus) and 100 won is only about 10 cents so really, not that much at all. So, when you look at it that way, taking the taxi definitely is the better deal especially if we have to carry any large items home like a computer desk (which we may be getting at some point). Still, there's just not very much in the area we live in which is a bit different than how it was in Ilsan and I kind of miss that. Having all that stuff nearby really got me out and about doing things I normally would never do in the summertime namely, leaving the house when it was warmer than I liked which usually was most of it (though I've heard that Wisconsin actually had an usually COOL summer this year which I'm really annoyed about because I MISSED IT and the chance to have to wear long sleeves in July). Now, it takes more of an effort but John is finding places we can go along the subway (admittedly, most of that has been purely by accident by getting on the wrong bus) and that may help to get me out more. I'm also hoping I can still meet up with my one friend and hopefully at some point meet up some other people who live closer but unfortunately, getting friendships to go beyond the internet isn't any easier here than it was back at home. Ilsan is two hours by subway from here so I'm not always going to be able to get up there to meet with the moms I have met so far but at the moment, considering I know where everything is up there, there's motivation for me to go there.

The past couple of weeks have definitely been a challenge though. When we first got here, we had nothing as far as kitchen items outside of the things we brought with us from the last place which wasn't much so we've had to go and do some shopping and get a lot of that (which John is supposed to be reimbursed for). There were no pots or pans or dishes or anything of that nature, we've pretty much had to completely stock up the kitchen so that's been fun especially as many kitchen items here in Korea are really not all that cheap. There at least was a bed (which can be iffy as Koreans tend to sleep on mats on the floor). That is a queen which is a great size for all three of us (though Natalie does have a couple of mats to sleep on those nights when John and I want to sleep alone together) and it's nice and firm but not TOO firm (some beds can feel as hard as the floor, the last one in our place did until we broke it in a little). It is, however, on the floor which John has been trying to get fixed since we moved here. We also had no internet for more than a week and that was definitely a challenge for me as most of my social life is through the computer via Facebook and online forums. I spent most of the offline time playing Sims 2 though and watching a few episodes of Star Trek Voyager. It helped that I got one of my old neighborhoods for Sims 2 in the game that's on my current computer. I ended up with two games on two different computers for awhile and recently figured out how to get some of the stuff from the one computer into the game I have on this one. Been looking at stuff for Sims 3 but really thinking that I want to keep with Sims 2 for now. I can remember how hard it was at first to play Sims 2 with all the stuff that was on the original Sims by the time Maxis stopped making expansion packs and it was rough so I'm waiting and I'm hoping by the time I get home and get a desktop, Sims 3 will have an expansion pack (or two) and will be even better than it is now. Meanwhile, I still have two expansion packs to get for Sims 2 in order to fully enjoy all it has to offer.

Things are coming along though and John enjoys his new job which is the most important thing. He doesn't have too many kids and they're all older and pretty well disciplined (which was one of the problems he was having with the last place, that and the fact that he was basically expected NOT to discipline them but let them do what they wanted, especially the kindergarten age kids which were basically not much older than Natalie and at that nasty pre-five age I'm disliking so much because it is SUCH a challenge to deal with). The fact that he only works five minutes from home is a huge bonus because then he can come home for lunch and get home right after work though that is for July and August only. Once the regular school year starts up again, he goes from noon to six and he probably won't have a lunch break during that time. I'm sure once that starts we'll get a schedule all figured out. We are right by a park so he and Natalie can go before he goes to work (as long as it is not raining which, being monsoon season at the moment, is just about everyday). So, other than the fact that it's not quite as convenient to the action as the last place was and the apartment is TINY, it's not too bad of a gig so far. Will it work the whole year? We'll see, I guess. Hard to be optimistic about anything at this point after all the issues John had with the last two jobs.

We're moving...AGAIN!

Well, to be honest, we're already just about all moved. Oh boy was THAT an adventure. It's also one of those things where you really do not realize just how much stuff you have until you try to move it. There was not furniture to move but we had clothes, suitcases, food, a laundry basket, a small hamper, plus a few boxes of TOYS. So, taking all that on the subway was not going to be an option (yikes!). Fortunately, the coordinator for the new school John's working at (more on that in a moment), sent a moving person. He loaded up all the stuff (with a little help from John) and after a bunch of talking back and forth on cell phones with the coordinator, we ALL bunch into the front seat of this truck and off we went! Yeah, first thing to learn about Korea, no car seat laws here and we had Natalie on John's lap the whole time. And yes, I was nervous as can be about it too, especially as we were going a good 80 km/mile on the roads. The old place is just north of Seoul and we were moving south of Seoul, the whole trip was about 50 km (sorry, it's all in km, don't exactly know what the conversion is) which I think is about 30 miles? But it was a LOOOONG trip even on the expressway and we saw lots of buildings, LOTS of bridges and just all kinds of different things that we don't usually see going on the subway. It was warm though and pretty muggy out so we had the windows open the whole way (not overly pleasant on my poor ear).

We FINALLY get there though with a few mishaps as far as trying to find the exact building and get everything unpacked off the truck and into the apartment. Now, how to describe that...well, I don't think apartment is the right word. SHOEBOX is more appropriate. The place is SMALL. It's supposed to be a one bedroom. Yes, it has one bedroom...sort of. There's a room with four sliding doors and then they're all closed, that makes a bedroom and there IS a bed in it and it's a queen sized bed...well, actually, a queen sized mattress on the floor (the coordinator felt that would be safer for the "baby"). There's a TV in there and places to put some clothes (if you came to the country with about five outfits per person). The "living area" is mostly kitchen with a large table and chairs. There is no couch. The fridge is the perfect size...for Natalie. It's about 4 feet tall and John figures he'll have to ask Natalie what's in the fridge. Basically, it's a dorm fridge with an added freezer. There's a microwave that we put on the fridge because there's no counter to put it on and no outlets by the little bit of counter to put anything on either. Fortunately, there is air conditioning. The bathroom has a toilet, medicine cabinet above that, a sink, and between the toilet and the sink, a thing on the wall with the shower head and that is attached to this thing on the sink.

This is where we will be living for the next year. If I don't go insane during that time I had better get a medal. Fortunately, John will be worker fewer hours and I can have him spend LOTS of time with Natalie outside. I'm convinced though that Koreans do not live in their apartments but spend all their time out and about and go out to eat. It is at least in a decent area that's within walking distance from the subway, the world's largest department store (at least that's what it said on the side of the building), and an Outback Steakhouse. So, we'll at least have things to do and we're a little closer to Seoul than we were before so we can bum around which will be good during that week John is off of work.

So that begs the question, WHY. Well, John finally got the notice that he is being replaced, officially. Back in April, the director had told him that he wasn't planning to keep John due to issues with the kindergarten class. No biggie because the director wasn't being the greatest about paying and that kind of stuff. But, it got to be two months later and we sort of started getting the idea that we were going to be staying for awhile and got the visas done, a cell phone, that kind of thing. Well, I had John ask the director the end of June to find out what was going on and that was when he was told that the new teacher was coming the 24th in time for an open house. Fortunately, he had been working with a recruiter who had a school, a public school, that needed a teacher ASAP so John got his release for the 22nd of July (two days from now). So yeah, it's been a really busy and insane month and now, we're moving to a place John has not lived in and we're both going to have to try and figure out where everything is. Should be fun. Hopefully, this will be it and a year from now, we'll have saved enough and the economy will be stable enough for us to come home. That's what I'm hoping for anyway.

Time and the hours, run through the roughest day...

It was about this time, six years ago, that I called John who, at the time, was my fiance and living here in South Korea. It was sometime between 10:21 and 10:50 am CT on Saturday, June 28, 2003. For John, it was already June 29th, just after 12:30 am. I'm sure he was not at all prepared for the phone call he got, a phone call from his very hysterical bride-to-be. He wasn't even able to understand a word I was saying and I wasn't able to talk to him for very long, the ambulance and the police were already arriving. It was amazing I was even able to dial the number since it was so long but months of calling him had made it all pretty automatic.

It was and still is, the worst day of my life. Nothing in the 22 and a half years before that day and nothing in the six years since that day has eclipsed the events that transpired that Saturday morning. I sincerely hope nothing ever does.

It's one of those events that ends up defining you and it definitely has defined me. Part of me, I think, is still stuck in that day. Sure, I have worked to move on. That's kind of how life goes. No matter what happens, there are still marriages and births and birthdays and all of those things that defines the life of a family. There's the day to day process of living that has to happen no matter what happens that may disrupt that. Life keeps happening and the world goes on living and somehow, you have to as well. But it wasn't easy, for a long time, it wasn't very easy to do at all.

And now, six years later, I'm here in South Korea, with both John and Natalie and it just seems to be so different compared to how things were six years ago. Sometimes it all seems surreal, that the events never really happened at all. When I talk to my mom, where she's at doesn't really enter my mind. There's sort of a denial about it all, like my brain just can't comprehend it all, doesn't really WANT to comprehend it all because to do so would somehow shatter it. I don't know. Sometimes, it tries to deal with what has happened through dreams but even those are confused. Many times, I will have dreams that I'm doing things with my mom, sometimes even my dad which is not at all possible nor will it ever be possible but it seems that they are right there, like everything is normal, like it all never really happened. It's like there are still parts of my brain that are just in total denial of all that has happened the last six years and doesn't want to acknowledge it ever happened so there's a sort of another dimension that is there within my mind and not only in that dimension are my parents in my life in full force but my seventh grade science teacher is alive and well and I talk to her often even wished her a belated happy birthday even though she's been dead now for almost a year and a half.

I know I'm not the only one with the dreams and mine are fairly tame compared to the dreams my sisters have had, especially my younger sister. Again, just amazing how our minds will take events that have happened and try to make sense of them when we're asleep. Amazing and kind of scary because the world it presents as the alternative is just crazy sometimes.

So another year passes and time goes on. Hopefully, someday, the day will pass without me taking note of it but that probably won't happen anytime soon. You just can't go through something like that and not have the date etched on your mind. Time may wear it down a little but to nothing? I don't know if that will ever be the case. I think John was hoping that bringing me here would help that but if anything, it only seemed to remind me even more because he was here when it happened. And it took me a long time to even forgive him for being here in the first place. That he wasn't with me when I needed him and wasn't able to come home for another three months was not easy for me to deal with at all. And for a long time, he took the brunt of my anger towards what happened because of it. I always had felt that things would have ended differently if he had just been back in the US with me or even if I had somehow been here with him. But to be honest, there's just no way of really knowing.

We finally have our visas...

...and our registration cards, all good until February 27th which is when John's stuff all expires since we're here as his dependents. Still not sure how long we're actually going to be here though. Things are still all up in the air because of this director. He told John two months ago that he was going to replace him. Well, nothing has really happened since then. But in the meantime, he won't let John go nor will he help John with anything that requires a contract since he doesn't "intend" to keep him. So once again, things are very much all up in the air. We're kind of tossing around the idea of just leaving for the Feast and not coming back here, just go home for that and then try to figure out where to go from there. Not quite sure how that would all work though. But John has to figure something out as far as that goes as taking a whole week off in October is not something that directors are going to really be thrilled with when getting a new employee.

In the meantime, I guess he has an entire week off the first week of August which should be nice, provided we're still here. But I would say, if John hasn't gotten any kind of notice the first week of July, we'll be here at least that long because I expect for John to get the 30 days notice he is entitled to. Not that the director has really been inclined to follow the law thus far. He STILL has not taken out pension and he has NOT been taking out money for health insurance (which will be great if we ever need to take Natalie or any of the rest of the us to the doctor).

Fortunately for the most part, we are pretty healthy people but it is on the back of my mind. Which has me concerned about something else. Since John dropped the cell phone in a sink full of water a week or so ago, we have not had any means of calling out. The cell phone (which did not always have minutes) was the only means I had to call out should something happen. The landline here is not capable of calling out. I always get some kind of error message in Korean when I try to make any kind of a phone call. My understanding was that it was deliberately set up this way (not sure why anyone would have bothered to put a phone in in the first place then).

And this is one of those things that really gets to me. We need to have a phone that is capable of calling out in the event that anything happens here while John is at work. I have a three year old. Things can happen and I do not want to try and figure out how to get a hold of John if something was to happen. If Natalie is sick, I don't know where the hospitals are. I don't know where to take her. John had a cell phone but it was always kind of iffy. It's not easy to figure out where we can go to get a contract and with the director planning to replace John at some point, I doubt we can get one anyway. But, I can't even find that out because I can't speak Korean and so far, the cell phone places I have stopped at today don't seem to have any English speaking reps. So, I'm really getting frustrated by this and I have asked John to talk to the director about this to let him know that either the phone here needs to be set up so that I can call out or someone who can speak both English and Korean from the school needs to come over, take me and Natalie somewhere I can get us a cell phone since John pretty much works during all the business hours.

If things weren't just so messed up economy-wise in the states, we would have gone back home but as sucky as the situation here has been, the money has still been good and it still beats going back on county assistance and having almost NO extra money at all. Here, we're able to go out, see things, do things, have fun, eat out and still have money to send home. It's not perfect but right now, being here is just a lot more attractive to me than going home. And, as always, it is the path of least resistance. I also don't have to figure out quite yet just where we're going to live because that's still up in the air too. The plan is that when we do go home, we're going to settle somewhere for awhile, at least 4-5 years with NO moving AT ALL. That's a tall order to ask of John but after all the moving I've done so far since October, I will have no desire at all to move once we get home. So, I really do not want to rush on that because it's a big decision. We're going to be at least temporarily putting our roots down and I want it to be somewhat of a decent place.

So, once again, it's all a waiting game and we're just waiting to see how everything turns out. We just sort of take it one day at a time, just like we have with everything else. Kind of frustrating at times but what else can you do? It's no better at home, that's for sure.

It definitely has its perks though. I am really enjoying not having to rely on a car and I like getting around by myself or with Natalie, taking the bus (which I have finally gotten used to enough to brave on my own, the buses here are FAST and SCARY!) or the subway, both just a block from our apartment. I have figured out the subway system enough that I probably could go just about anywhere it goes without John (a fact that I'm sure would not thrill him as he would probably panic at the idea of Natalie and I galivanting all over the place) and I'm hoping that maybe I'll be able to start meeting up with some other moms who live on the lines but aren't in the same area. There's lots of shopping to be had here and not everything is insanely expensive. Hair pieces, especially are super cheap and Natalie and I are having a ton of fun finding different colors and different types including bows and those pony tail holders with things on them (think of those sunshine pony tail holders that Punky Brewster always wore and you get the idea) like butterflies, hearts, stars, etc. Shopping is also interesting in that you never quite know what to expect when you go into a store. Samples are typical in the grocery store setting (just like it is at home) but one thing you'll find here that you WON'T find in the US is an area to sample WINE. Admittedly, it's not much more than a sip in a paper cup but still, I think it's pretty neat that I can go into a grocery store and try a sample of wine. And in doing so, have found quite a few that I wouldn't mind picking up a bottle of and bringing home. lol And the nice thing is, as long as the store is open, you CAN buy the wine to take it home! In other words, no being told that you can't buy it because it's after 9pm. Bars here are also open pretty late but since we're here with Natalie, we haven't really taken advantage of that. Still, John jokes that if I get mad sometime and need to get out (always a possibility when you have three people stuck together in a studio apartment), I can always go next door and upstairs to the wine bar. lol

Another interesting thing with shopping is that unlike at home where (especially in big box stores) it can be extremely hard to find someone to help you find something, here there are store personnel available to help pretty much in every single aisle. While this can be a good thing, it can also be a little bit overwhelming, especially if you are trying to shop for something discreetly. An example of this was my experience on Sunday shopping for um pads. Now, I was prepared when I came over. I bought a Diva Cup from the co-op in Madison and I came with a few pads and a package of liners as a back up. That's been working great but the liners were not really big enough and I wanted to pick up something a little larger. And while I'd really like to get cloth pads at some point, right now, I'm just too overwhelmed by all the choices and not looking forward to getting hit with the huge shipping fees to get them over here. So there I am, trying to look at various packages of pads which, of course, are all in Korean and the sizes are all in cm and I have no idea how big I want it to be except that I KNOW that 42 cm is just too big (since that's like a good 15 inches and good grief who in the world needs a 15 inch pad?!) when this nice Korean woman comes up and tries to see if I need help and naturally, there is a language barrier but I try to convey that I would like to find some pads that are not too large and are not too scented either (I can't stand scented items). She keeps pointing some that are definitely too big and I'm trying to tell her that won't work but not getting very far. She finally, I kid you not, brings out this BOOK with samples of actual pads in it! Oh boy! I do see some that may work but to be honest, I was just sort of uncomfortable with the whole thing and really just wanted to get out of there! Mind you, there are samples of pads hanging in front of the packages of pads in the aisle. And they are open so that you can touch them and see if that is the pad you would want to get or not. Helpful, I'm sure, but not something we're going to see in the US anytime soon (thank goodness!). So that was Sunday. Monday, I go to this little Walgreen's without the drugs type place (since all medication are sold ONLY in pharmacies and small ones at that) and fortunately, the help is not quite so overwhelming so I'm left to try and figure out pads and liners for myself with a little help from John with reading the Korean (poor hubby). We had trouble figuring out if one of the ones I was looking at was scented and unscented so John is left having to ask the ladies up front since he's the one who knows Korean. It was interesting to say the least. But we were able to find out what we needed to know and as those weren't too expensive, I did leave with them. They were more liner type things than pads but again, as I only need them as a back-up to my cup, they'll work...as long as I put it in correctly.

There's definitely a lot to see and do around here, don't get me wrong, and I am starting to see what got John so into traveling. My family had settled down by the time I was born so I missed out on all of that and now, my eyes have very much opened up to how unique various places can be. And if John is still at this job come August when he gets that week off, I have no doubt we'll be doing some traveling, especially by train which is a favorite of both John and Natalie.

Now if only John can find a decent job. I think that would really make a world of difference. If he can find a honey of a job with what we have here so far (and a decent apartment with the amenities we need), it would really help out a lot. Unfortunately, I don't think Natalie's going to be sold on the idea until she gets her bike and I'm holding off on that for the moment as I'm using that for a very special milestone. But she seems to be adjusting too and I think if we find some fun things to do this summer (like a water park or the one amusement park that's not too far from here), she'll get more excited. It's just not easy to find things for a three year old to do everyday. They get bored easily.

Still here and doing okay, for the most part.

For awhile, we were really debating whether or not to go home. John had run into some issues with his director and he was really feeling discouraged by the whole thing and just sort of tired of doing it. He had already been here for four months by the time Natalie and I got here and already on his second job. Now, with another almost three months gone by and the situation with this job not the greatest, I think he really was starting to feel that it might be better to go home and to be honest, it was on my mind too. It didn't help that Natalie started to feel homesick and was asking to go home every day. Things are not perfect here and they're never going to be. That's a good thing. It means at some point we will go home. However, right now, we have opportunities here we will NOT have when we get back home. We have money which is something we definitely will NOT have. We don't have to be on county assistance here. I find that VERY nice. As nice as it would be to go home and have an oven, a microwave, and a bathtub again (not to mention, have access to a lot of the things we don't have access to food wise), the money we have set aside so far would not get us very far. It definitely would not get us a decent car which is something (unfortunately), that is VERY necessary in order for us to live in the US. I would LOVE to have the ability to live without a car like we can here, I would just LOVE IT! But, unfortunately, unless we're in a large city, that's just not possible and living in a large city in the US compared to living in a large city here is VERY different, especially as far as crime goes. Not to mention, cost of living. Not that living here is all that cheap because it isn't but the plan is NOT to live in a studio apartment when we finally do go home, the plan is to live in a place with at least one, if not two or three bedrooms. So for now, we stay.

Not that things can't change at any time. Things are sort of rocky here and there are some tensions once again with North Korea that has me wondering at times just what is going to happen but for the most part, and this is sort of sad, I'm actually MORE concerned about our situation were we to go home now than I am staying here. Here, John can get work. At home, with the economy the way it is, that's not so certain. I hate that it is this way but that's how it is right now. Maybe in about a year things will be different and we CAN go home and find a place to live and a job and all that good stuff and we won't have to worry but to be honest, I'm not ready to go back into that uncertainty just yet. And right now, in the US, things ARE uncertain, that's for sure.

So, at the moment, job issues considering, we're doing okay. I do better once I know what it is we're going to do than I do when we're not sure and for awhile we weren't. Now maybe I can get some of Natalie's summer clothes sent here so that she doesn't have just pants or skirts to wear when she wants to go out to the park. It's not going to be easy because I have to rely on other people to do things for me and that doesn't always go the way I'd like it to but *sigh* what else can we do? I simply am not going to replace Natalie's summer wardrobe, she has a lot of things that I got her, some that she'll grow out of this year and I would like her to get a chance to wear them. I also really do not want to have to deal with having to figure out clothing sizes, that's just too much of a pain in the tail end. So far, I have managed to avoid much of that and I'd like to keep doing so if I can.

Not much going on otherwise, really. During the week, John works and Natalie and I hang out here. Sometimes, if John gets home early enough and Natalie isn't asleep, the two of them will hit the park and play until sunset. Other times, eh, just depends on what is going on. Sometimes we go out for dinner. We're definitely enjoying the opportunity to hit the American restaurants that are here. The Korean restaurants are pretty much out. With our dietary restrictions, we can't afford to take any chances that we'll get something that's not so clean. And some of the dishes here are anything but appetizing. Sorry, but I don't see me EVER eating octopus, even if I DID eat seafood, which I don't! Still, there are a lot of places to go to and check out and ice cream is always a favorite (and VERY easy to find with Baskin Robbins virtually on every block around here). Coffee is another favorite of mine, especially iced coffee drinks and I have been trying out many of the coffee places around here including Star Bucks but I have to say my favorite is A Twosome Place which has the BEST frappes I've tasted so far, tastes more like a chocolate shake than a coffee drink so VERY yummy.

John is doing all he can to get me out and walking around and exploring with him. Yesterday, we walked ALL over the local park and all over the mall areas prior to that. It helped that I found a shopping area I haven't seen before and wanted to explore a little. It wasn't completed but it did have an indoor ice skating rink that was nice and cool to be in with the warm day yesterday. The park wasn't too bad either, as long as I stayed in the shade. It was definitely cooler OUTSIDE than it was in the apartment. We finally ended up where all the fountains were located and Natalie and I both got a little wet. Well, I got a little wet, Natalie got soaked. But she had fun and that was all that mattered. John wasn't too impressed though.

Well, that's it for the moment as they just got back from the musical fountain. I'll have to include pictures of that sometime as it is really neat. I didn't go with tonight because today, we were again walking all over the place, though this time, we took a train down to Seoul Station, took a subway to Itewan (and I KNOW I misspelled that word), walked around the outdoor markets there, walked back to the subway, took it to one station to transfer and then rode that the rest of the way back. I LOVE how cheap the subway is, especially with the subway cards we use. But still, lots of walking to be had and my legs are TIRED!

You know that whole "No news is good news" thing?

Yeah well, that's been my family of late. If I don't hear from anyone, things are going well. When I do, it's because something's gone wrong. Talked to my younger sister last night for the first time in like a week or so and she gave me some news that definitely wasn't good. She had gotten a letter from my mom yesterday and my mom gave her news about our dad. My dad, at this point in time, is not able to my in our lives physically. Neither is my mom. They are both in places that severely limits their freedom and for good reason. They are also both very limited in their activities and it is this, I believe, that brought on my father's current issues. From what the letter said, my dad had a stroke about six weeks ago which would have been just after Natalie and I got here. The letter also says that he's fine but my understanding is that strokes do tend to have some affect on the brain afterward and again, it is a stroke, not something to take lightly. Course, now writing this, I'm hit with another thought, strokes were what eventually killed my mom's step-dad when he was in his 80's. And now, thinking even more, now that my dad has had a stroke, with my younger sister's issues with both pregnancy and being on the pill (and the fact that she spent all of the LAST pregnancy on baby aspirin), she probably needs to look at what HER health concerns are, this may be something genetic.

So yeah, definitely some concerns there which naturally has John concerned about me. I told him a long time ago that it was doubtful that I would outlive him or if I did, it wouldn't be long because people in my family, compared to his, just didn't live that long! We're usually killed off by something major before the age of 70.

So yeah, I'm a little worried right now. Kind of worried about my dad and definitely worried about my mom because her health isn't that great and my sister too. And having had that happened, it reminds me that at some point, we're going to start losing family members and that's not something I look forward to. I mean, it's been awhile since we've had an actual death of a long term family member in MY family. Spouses have been a different story, John has lost most of his half-sisters now and even a nephew, my younger sister's husband has lost family members recently, and my sister's first husband's family has lost members but OUR family, other than my sister's baby, has had a death in almost 20 years. That's a LONG time. We've been really blessed as far as that goes but I fear that that's not going to last much longer. My family is getting old and with age comes death.

Moved into the new apartment...

...for the most part. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. John's not loving it very much either. While we gained a loft which is JUST the right height for Natalie to claim as her domain (but too low for me to really be able to go after her when she decides she wants to be up there and I don't), we lost an oven, a dishwasher, a radio, and a dryer. Oh, and did I mention that the ONLY closet with a bar to hang clothes on is up in the loft? That is also where the two extra outlets, extra internet connection, and extra cable connection is. Um, and just what WAS this apartment set up for? Snow White and her seven dwarfs? On top of that, the cable and the internet has NOT been transferred over and the phone is STILL set up to only take calls, not call out. John has already gotten some conflicting answers on when the cable and internet will be set up here so at the moment, I'm on the WI-FI when I'm able to which is not often. The entire day yesterday, I could not get online. THANK GOODNESS for Star Trek Voyager and The Sims 2. Without those, I'd go stark raving mad by now.

Tomorrow, we're looking at another school, in another city entirely and we'll be checking out the apartment as well. John isn't going to stay at this school any longer than he has to, especially since he's going to be replaced anyway. I just feel sorry for the new teacher who has to live here. I mean, we don't even have a microwave. And the place wasn't even CLEAN! People don't do that, they move out of the apartment with the apartment in the shape it's in and the next person moves in pretty much the same day. YUCK!

In other news, since John was off of work yesterday for a holiday, we FINALLY got Natalie's three year pictures done, four months late. *sigh* So, those will be back next week, including CD and I should be able to post those. They're okay, definitely not as much done as I wanted but there's only so much I can get across not knowing Korean. As it was, the experience was frustrating enough because I couldn't get shoes to go with Natalie's dress. The only dress up shoes she had were black ones but the only white ones I could find were either too small, too expensive, or too tacky. In the end, I just wanted the pictures done but hopefully, the photographer understood my instructions to CROP OUT THE SHOES! Because seriously, the black shoes with yellow socks do NOT go with the dress AT ALL but for some reason, they did REALLY far off pictures rather than close ups. *sigh* And to top it off, Natalie got some kind of a black stain on her dress too. I got most of it out but there's still a little spot on there that hasn't really budged so far. Going to have to try again during the week and see if I can get any more of it out because seriously, that was the FIRST time she wore that dress! Good thing I only spent $10 on it.

Still, by the end of the whole thing, I had a vicious headache and had to go home and take a nap which didn't help. At least today I didn't get a headache because we ended up going out on the subway to an area near Seoul to get a new adapter for the computer since for some dumb reason, the teacher who gave me the adapter wanted it back! But, fortunately, we found the correct one and it seems to be working pretty well. At least it stays in the outlet a little better than the other one did. We ended up being out for awhile though and didn't get back in until after 11pm. At least we got to the place before it closed, it was debatable though because we had to wait until close to sundown to leave.

But right now, the idea is sort of to spend as little time in the apartment as possible which is not going to be all that easy next week while John is at work. However, I've got a TON of laundry to do and a washer to figure out how to use to get it done. Should be fun. Hopefully I won't shrink anything in the process.

Moving...yet again.

I'm getting pretty sick of it too. The reason we're moving is pretty stupid to be honest. Because we said that we were interested in getting a bigger place, the director immediately put the apartment we're in now up for sale. Well, we had found something we wanted but did not want to put almost $4000 down for it, even if we did get it back, things were kind of dicey with the director anyway as far as being paid on time. SO... this place got sold and the director had to get another place so now we're moving tomorrow. We were told Monday. We're moving just across the street and down the block a little so a little farther from some things but closer to others, we'll have to see how that all works. One of the frustrating things is to get to the area I enjoy going to most of the time, I'll now have to cross the really busy street which I didn't have to before. We only had to cross it to go to the store. Now, we won't have to cross it for that but we will to get everywhere else I enjoyed going to before. *sigh*

If only this were to be the last move, it wouldn't be so frustrating but ultimately, we are going to have to move again and it may even end up being in another city altogether. The director has more or less told John that he plans to replace him and from what John has understood it will be with a female teacher. He would have to find the teacher first but I guess, when the school is as iffy as this one, what parents say go and most parents just are not into a male kindergarten teacher. And that was all that was said, the director does recognize that John does want to teach, actually teach, not babysit though which unfortunately is a lot of what kindergarten here is at least in the ESL schools, especially the private ones. I am very quickly becoming frustrated and tired of the whole deal. It seems the situation is worse here than it was at home but John doesn't seem to think so and is bound and determined to see this through for one reason or another even though I'm not entirely happy with the situation (and at times downright ANGRY with him about it) and Natalie is, in her own way, reacting negatively as well. He's bound and determine to make money and save it but I'm the one who has to be on top of it to make sure he doesn't spend it all! Otherwise, it would all be gone. He has NO concept of a budget whatsoever and that's really frustrating too.

So, I really don't know what is going to happen in the next few months much less two years. I keep hearing that once he finds a good job then things will be much better but a lot of directors, especially those of hagwons (the private schools here) for whatever reason seem to think that foreign teachers are a dime a dozen. They're not though, they cost a considerable amount of money to get and to keep (since things like paying on time is a concept lost on many people here).

So, that's been my world of late. I just hope that when all of this is done and over with (and it will be at some point because there is just NO way for John to make a career out of this whatsoever), he'll be ready to go home and SETTLE DOWN for awhile! Sometimes I think he should have stayed in the army when he was in there because that would have totally met his need to roam, I'm sure they would have been VERY happy to send him all over the place and at least with the military, you can get stuff shipped to you pretty much like normal. But maybe he just needs a couple of years to get this out of his system and after that, he'll be done with it. At the very least, I have decided that when we go back, I will be going back to work. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy staying at home with Natalie and I enjoy spending time with her and all of that but I'm tired of depending on other people for survival. I hate that here, John is the only one who can work. I can't. I don't have my four year degree. That is required to teach ESL. And I hate that there really isn't much I can do here. I can't bake, I can't do the usual jewelry stuff, or my scrapbook, or really anything more than the laundry, keep the apartment clean which doesn't take very much as small as it is (I mean, it's only one room), and cook which is also very limited because we really only have the stove to do that. I can grocery shop and go window shopping and sometimes do some actual shopping when I have some money but nothing REALLY challenging these days.

I would love to learn to sew, learn to do some gardening, things like that but I've just finally come to the conclusion that I'm really getting to be too old to be depending on someone who, job-wise, just isn't all that dependable, no matter where we are at. He's just not. I want to go back to work and learn to drive and actually be able to be a little more independent so that maybe I won't feel so much frustration in my life, at the very least, frustration towards John. He's always been better with the domestic stuff anyway and his standard of clean has always been higher than mine (product of living with a mother who really didn't care to clean and has has kept houses so filthy, they've become mouse-infested, one house was even condemned and torn down after we lived in it) not that mine is THAT bad but it's not as high as his, I can tolerate some mess, he can't tolerate much at all though ironically enough, he has no problem with his clothes being all over the place.

But really, there are times I wonder if I'll ever be able to make a home for us all. Since we moved out of our house on West Avenue when I was 17 (that was the one that was torn down), I have not lived in anyplace for more than two years. Not one place. We moved out of there spring of 1998 so it's been 11 years now. And the longest I've lived in a place has been seven and a half years and that was the first place I lived from birth until the house burned down May of 1988. That year wasn't fun either, we spent most of that summer in a 10 foot pop-up camper so I suppose things could be worse but still, not having a permanent home isn't fun either. There's no stability for Natalie, no place she can really call home, things change frequently for her and it's no wonder that she struggles at times, she really has no idea what is going to happen next. Tomorrow, we're going to be in a new apartment which means getting everything settled in again for her and getting her adjusted and eventually, we probably will end up moving again, maybe even to another city and she's at an age where she just doesn't really understand why and I start to wonder how that's fair for her because really, it isn't.

When I originally decided to let John have his way about the whole thing, my idea was that we would go from the apartment in Beaver Dam to the apartment provided by the school and stay there for two years, then come home. It NEVER crossed my mind that we would end up going from the apartment to one sister's house, from there to the other sister's apartment, from there to here, from here to another apartment and another. It just never crossed my mind at all that we would end up moving four times in just over six months and really, if I had known that, I never would have agreed to this because this is the kind of thing that messes kids up. When we finally do go back home, it will be with the intention of staying in ONE place for not just two years but AT LEAST 4-5 years. Much of that though, will be determined by how long we stay here which is partly determined by whether or not John can behave himself and not get me pregnant. We had a VERY VERY close call this month and I have decided that if I become pregnant, we do not stay here. I will not have a baby here. I have decided that for sure. I have no desire at this point to have another child so there's no plan to get pregnant to make us go home. I'm not stupid, I know things up very up in the air there and that we really are not in any shape to go home yet. We could be though, if we really got things together and John found a job he can actually keep for more than three or four months, we could send a decent amount home and save up what we need in a year or two. That is not impossible at all. But right now, there is just a lot that's up in the air and to be honest, I really cannot do this moving thing too many more times. At some point, I will expect him to face reality. Living out of suitcases is not my idea of fun and there's only so much time I'm going to put up with that.

But at the moment, he hasn't even gotten any written notice or anything like that and legally, the director HAS to give him a WRITTEN 30 day notice. So that gives us a little time anyway.

Another really good article concerning body shape and mortality.

Does it really matter how your numbers measure up? Or can you ditch the tape measure?

And thank you Sara for your comment, you made some good points. One of the big concerns though is that what is healthy to eat/not healthy to eat is even under debate. Weston Price provides some good information, especially as far as how some fats (animal fats especially) CAN be good for us. The concern though is that many people (ESPECIALLY those trying to lose weight) go after things like margarine, having been told butter is bad. But it's actually the opposite, margarine has so much extra stuff, stuff that our bodies don't need at all. Butter is actually healthier in that regard but yeah, you want to eat a tub a day of the stuff (not sure how one COULD!). And being in shape is definitely important which is what I'm trying to work on now. It's a little easier now that we don't have a car and we have to walk everywhere but I have a ways to go. Large flights of stairs still tend to wind me a little and I'm nowhere near being able to run the five miles hubby can run. lol

Interestingly enough, my husband happened to mention that he will GAIN weight with a lot of exercise, I'm guessing if he were to really start to work out, not just run. My nephew's dad didn't gain weight until he started lifting weights and my nephew is skinny as a rail right now and that has been with a diet that has NEVER had veggies but has mostly been chicken nuggets and french fries from Mc Donald's, then moved on to Ramen noodles, pizza, and mac and cheese. The kid has never eaten healthy in his LIFE (well, except for the nine months he was breastfed lol)! He has to wear women's pants because he's so darn skinny. Oh and he does NOT exercise. Never had, never will. He also drinks, smokes, and has done drugs. Definitely NOT a healthy person. But no one will care what HE eats, he fits into society's views of how a person should look.