More than four years since I was last pregnant and I had forgotten all about how it felt to feel those baby kicks all the time. It's like holding on to a secret that no one else knows about. The flutters, the thumps, the kicks to the bladder that make you feel like you're going to suddenly pee your pants. As much as having this baby sometimes scares me, I can't help but feel kind of reassured by the continuous kicks I feel throughout the day. He/she has his/her quiet moments but many times I sit/lie there quietly and feel and wonder at all the movement deep within my belly. That it started earlier than it did last time is nice too. It was after my ultrasound before I really started to feel Natalie's kicks. This one, I started feeling a good 3-4 weeks earlier. I'm 19 weeks and have been feeling them daily since 17 weeks and I was feeling them before that too.
Now if only I can get this whole thing figured out about WHERE I'm going to have the baby, I probably wouldn't be feeling so freaked out but that's taking it's time in getting figured out. I'm working on it though, sending emails to midwives in Wisconsin, Tennessee, and Delaware. Planning on sending some to a few midwives in Colorado as well. HOPEFULLY something pans out and I can start making plans in earnest to head back to the US.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I should at least update.
OB says I have like a 33% chance of getting a VBAC with him. He's worried about complications, he's worried that the baby will be too big to fit, blah blah blah. He can't even tell me if I can be awake if I end up with a cesarean. The weight bias is so bad here that some women can't even get an epidural, not even for a cesarean (and I'm talking over 200 pounds, not the weight I'm at which is higher than that).
We're really looking into trying to send me back to the US but ugh, the devil is in the details. I'm feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and just not very sure what to do.
I'm currently 18, almost 19 weeks along. Feeling lots of movement, even felt a thump OUTSIDE the belly today! Still feeling it in the area I was cut when I had the cesarean (along where the scar is on the outside). Really not sure what that means. But been feeling movement pretty much everyday for the last week or so.
Nausea has finally settled down, haven't been getting any heartburn yet, not really. I do still have bad days here and there. The exhaustion is not quite as bad and at least I'm able to stay up most of the day now so it looks like we're through the worst of it. Unfortunately, my mood swings are pretty bad. Also having a lot of back and leg pain but not letting it get to me. I just wish I could find a chiropractor who will take the national insurance here. Oh wait, I'm STILL not on the insurance even though John has been trying to get me on it for over a month.
We're supposed to be moving sometime around March 1st. John was transferred to another school as the school he's been teaching at has ended the English program. I have a hard time believing that the school coordinator is really going to get things done. It's the 18th and our visas all expire on the 27th. It's really getting down to the wire. So yeah, things are extremely frustrating here. I'm very stressed out.
That's pretty much it at the moment. Just trying to take it day by day the best I can but we're going to have to figure something out soon if I'm going to have a chance at all of getting a VBAC. To be honest, sometimes I think about just signing up for another cesarean. I just get so tired of fighting. But John doesn't want me to get one and I don't really want to get one (especially not here) but sometimes, I really don't think I'm going to be allowed the chance to get a VBAC either here or the US because of my weight and that's very depressing and I've really been down on myself because of my weight. My self-esteem is definitely in the toilet right now and I've been thinking a lot about getting gastric bypass at some point after all of this is done with. When the world only sees you according to how much you weigh, HOW you lose weight really doesn't matter, it's getting to that socially acceptable number that counts.
Forgot to mention, they were at least able to do my blood pressure the last time. They used the electronic one. I was kind of worried about my arm getting stuck or something but no problems there. Not sure why they didn't do it the first time. Also got on the scale and I'm down 3 pounds. It's very easy to lose weight when I'm pregnant, at least for the first two trimesters. It's the last one where I tend to gain. Not only is it easy for me to lose weight, it's also easy for me to not eat as much. Not only do I not eat for two, I barely eat for one, or rather, I barely eat as much as I was eating BEFORE I got pregnant. The atmosphere here and even some of the comments John has made (along with depression) has me not really wanting to eat much at all.
Next appointment which is supposed to be the BIG ULTRASOUND is March 9th. Not sure if I'm going to get to find out what I'm having though (especially if I go to this guy). He told me that he doesn't tell his patients what they're having before 36 weeks. There's kind of a ban here against telling parents the sex because so many parents go and abort girls even though abortion here is illegal. So, not sure what I'm going to do yet. May look into another OB for the ultrasound. There's one who is very close by and easy to get to and I may go to her for the prenatal stuff until I go back to the US. Not entirely sure though, just one more thing I need to look into.
We're really looking into trying to send me back to the US but ugh, the devil is in the details. I'm feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and just not very sure what to do.
I'm currently 18, almost 19 weeks along. Feeling lots of movement, even felt a thump OUTSIDE the belly today! Still feeling it in the area I was cut when I had the cesarean (along where the scar is on the outside). Really not sure what that means. But been feeling movement pretty much everyday for the last week or so.
Nausea has finally settled down, haven't been getting any heartburn yet, not really. I do still have bad days here and there. The exhaustion is not quite as bad and at least I'm able to stay up most of the day now so it looks like we're through the worst of it. Unfortunately, my mood swings are pretty bad. Also having a lot of back and leg pain but not letting it get to me. I just wish I could find a chiropractor who will take the national insurance here. Oh wait, I'm STILL not on the insurance even though John has been trying to get me on it for over a month.
We're supposed to be moving sometime around March 1st. John was transferred to another school as the school he's been teaching at has ended the English program. I have a hard time believing that the school coordinator is really going to get things done. It's the 18th and our visas all expire on the 27th. It's really getting down to the wire. So yeah, things are extremely frustrating here. I'm very stressed out.
That's pretty much it at the moment. Just trying to take it day by day the best I can but we're going to have to figure something out soon if I'm going to have a chance at all of getting a VBAC. To be honest, sometimes I think about just signing up for another cesarean. I just get so tired of fighting. But John doesn't want me to get one and I don't really want to get one (especially not here) but sometimes, I really don't think I'm going to be allowed the chance to get a VBAC either here or the US because of my weight and that's very depressing and I've really been down on myself because of my weight. My self-esteem is definitely in the toilet right now and I've been thinking a lot about getting gastric bypass at some point after all of this is done with. When the world only sees you according to how much you weigh, HOW you lose weight really doesn't matter, it's getting to that socially acceptable number that counts.
Forgot to mention, they were at least able to do my blood pressure the last time. They used the electronic one. I was kind of worried about my arm getting stuck or something but no problems there. Not sure why they didn't do it the first time. Also got on the scale and I'm down 3 pounds. It's very easy to lose weight when I'm pregnant, at least for the first two trimesters. It's the last one where I tend to gain. Not only is it easy for me to lose weight, it's also easy for me to not eat as much. Not only do I not eat for two, I barely eat for one, or rather, I barely eat as much as I was eating BEFORE I got pregnant. The atmosphere here and even some of the comments John has made (along with depression) has me not really wanting to eat much at all.
Next appointment which is supposed to be the BIG ULTRASOUND is March 9th. Not sure if I'm going to get to find out what I'm having though (especially if I go to this guy). He told me that he doesn't tell his patients what they're having before 36 weeks. There's kind of a ban here against telling parents the sex because so many parents go and abort girls even though abortion here is illegal. So, not sure what I'm going to do yet. May look into another OB for the ultrasound. There's one who is very close by and easy to get to and I may go to her for the prenatal stuff until I go back to the US. Not entirely sure though, just one more thing I need to look into.
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