I finally got the plane ticket last week and I'll be returning to the US next Thursday. It's been kind of bittersweet thinking of that. I'm glad to be returning to the US where the medical care seems to be at least a little better than it is here. I know that the doctors there are able to treat someone my size and has the equipment on hand to do so. I know that my chances of a VBAC are at least slightly better in the US than they are here and there won't be quite as much of a language barrier which has really made things difficult for me here. Unfortunately, I'm going back alone. Airfares have gone up by almost twice since I flew to the US in November. We just couldn't afford it, not when I was going to have to find an apartment and all that. It's been hard, dealing with the thought of leaving Natalie here with John but I know that it will be one less thing for me to worry about while I try to get everything figured out for having this baby.
I'm still not ready for this though. I don't know what's going to happen and I'm a little worried. I still do not feel at all prepared to welcome this baby into the world. I remember too much how hard it was with Natalie that first year and how hard it was financially for us as a family. Unfortunately, it wouldn't have been any easier in Korea. I just wish that foresight was also 20/20 because if I had known I was going to end up getting pregnant not even a year after I got here, I wouldn't have bothered. I would have just had John and I stay where we were, gone to work myself to help with finances, and then try and figure things out as they came but somehow, I don't know if that would have even worked out. Sometimes I think that for whatever reason, things are just not supposed to work out for us. Timing always seems to be off and we're almost always having to make very difficult decisions that half the time end up being the wrong ones.
I'm trying to trust though that going back will be a good choice. I NEED to be where I feel comfortable and safe when having this baby. That's not here. That never will be here. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what these next 11 weeks are going to bring. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and get done what I need to get done so that when it comes time to leave next Thursday morning, I'm ready. But it's not going to be easy. There's still going to be a lot I'm going to have to figure out but I'm hoping it all falls into place. They sure haven't been here.
