With that, we may have to face a very important decision: stay and have this baby in Korea (and VERY possibly have to have another cesarean) or go back to the US to have the baby probably without John and maybe even without Natalie.
It's not a decision I'm wanting to make. Unfortunately, Koreans are EXTREMELY prejudiced against weight (and height too, I guess) and being oh at least twice the size as your average Korean woman, I'm fair game. It is VERY likely that my chance of having a VBAC here are slim and none (and slim's on vacation, my mom always liked to say). I can't have a homebirth because no midwife will touch me. It's not legal for a midwife to take on a woman with an unproven pelvis. And cesareans in South Korea are in the 40-50% rate, HIGHER than the US by quite a bit.
I won't lie. There are times I am really doggone sick and tired of fighting this and just want to sign up for another cesarean and be DONE WITH IT! Go in, get the baby cut out and get my tubes cut on top of it so that I NEVER have to worry about going through this EVER again! I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being so stressed out that I'm already having braxton hicks. I'm tired of not enjoying my pregnancy and not even doing any little baby tickers or anything because I keep hoping deep down that the pregnancy ends at some point so that I don't have to worry about this anymore. I'm tired of feeling angry and resentful and scared out of my mind. I'm just tired. I'm tired of my life always being one major hit after another after another and never getting a break. Even the things that are important to me I can't get a break on. THIS is important to me. This MATTERS to me and I can't get that. I don't have the choices I should have here and it's not fair. It just makes me SO ANGRY!
I don't know what's going to happen. The appointment is at 3pm tomorrow and one of the doulas I've been talking with will be going with me to talk to the doctor and we're going to see how he feels about me having a VBAC and what my chances of that happening with him are and if they are low, could he recommend someone who can give me a VBAC (besides the guy that will cost me $4000 and doesn't take our insurance). If not, our options are trying to come up with $4000 or so to pay for the one and only doctor who will likely give me a VBAC (that again, the insurance does NOT cover AT ALL) or I go home though personally, I wish we ALL could go home. Coming to this country has been the BIGGEST mistake I have EVER made in my life. If I NEVER hear the word Korea again for as long as I live, it won't be long enough.
We'll see what happens, I guess.
