I haven't been too into writing of late. I sort of hit bottom mid-May and have been trying to keep from hitting bottom again. That hasn't always been easy. I struggle constantly with feeling overwhelmed. Back in May, it was really bad. Not only did I feel overwhelmed with life in general but I also felt overwhelmed by all of the emotions I was feeling. It's hard enough to deal with an overwhelming life but when your feelings are out of control, it's even worse. I didn't just feel emotions, I over felt them. The intensity of my emotions was so strong I simply could not deal with day to day life. It didn't matter what emotion it was, it was simply too much for me to deal with. And eventually, it all just became too much.
It's been a lot better in some ways and not much better at all in others. I'm on medication, something I fought and resisted for the longest time because in the past it didn't help or do me any good. This time, it did. This time, the intensity of everything I was feeling was calmed down. Granted, it's not like it was when I first went on medication. At that time, I felt almost numb which was exactly what I wanted. I really almost didn't want to feel. But at least the emotions are bearable and they're controllable...most of the time.
Once I got in control of that, other things started falling into place (and others stayed stuck in their usual lousy spot). I finally came to realize, to REALLY realize that I did not believe in god. Now, this is not something new. I have been asking questionings and wondering since I was in my early teens. But I have finally been able to come to the idea that I did not need to believe in god. I finally accepted that I didn't believe in god rather than continue to try and force myself to believe to find a religion/relationship to participate in. I joined a local free-thinkers group here in my town and it's been a breath of fresh air for me. THIS is what I had been looking for for years and years and years. The intelligent conversations I had come to miss when my one friend and I more or less drifted apart I have found again.
I'm not saying that Christians are not intelligent. That's definitely not the case. The questions though that I used to love asking and discussing are ones that many believers do not take on. Many don't feel the need to because they already feel they know the answers. But that's never been that way for me. I have always had questions, always wanted to know WHY. I have struggled massively to make sense of it all and to have control over that which I did not have control. I took on a couple of Christian religions that were quite different in beliefs, took on even some pagan beliefs but nothing seemed to really fit or make sense or answer the questions I had. Granted, I'm not necessarily saying that my current beliefs answer all of my questions either. In fact, I may have even more questions than I did before. But I'm OKAY with some of those questions not being answered whereas before, with my beliefs, I couldn't accept that. It's kind of hard to explain. Maybe it's a matter of expectations. I'm not sure.
So, that's kind of where I've been lately. My oldest started school the beginning of last month and while it's an online charter school through a school district in my state, it's still a lot of work for me because I'm doing most of the teaching. It hasn't been easy because my nearly seven year old has not been making it easy. As time goes on though, we're both getting used to it and getting better about it so hopefully, we can keep on with things and not have too many more problems.
Not much more to say right now. I'm hoping to get better with this blogging stuff but I'm not going to hold my breath and I don't recommend my readers do either.
