Getting Ready for a New Phase in Homeschooling

So, I've decided we're not going to finish out the semester at Connections Academy. It's just too much stress for the both of us and we're really really behind on lessons with being sick just before winter break. And, to be honest, I'm just not into it anymore. So, I've been doing more and more research on units and things for homeschooling and different options I have and I'm looking into more of an unschooling style with various units. The plan now is to withdraw her when school resumes in just a couple of days. Natalie is going to miss her teacher, that's the part that makes her sad about leaving but she's excited about some of the units we're going to be doing. She wants to continue with plants, especially learning more about the coffee plant I have.

And so my plan is to start up around mid-January (maybe a week sooner since we really haven't been doing any schooling at all of late), have school Monday through Thursday, and I have different breaks set aside for the rest of the year. The year won't be done until July and then we start up again in August so she won't have too much of a summer vacation but at the same time, I'm hoping that we won't be doing too much she finds boring.

I am also planning for her to get involved with the YMCA, 4-H, different activities from our local parenting center and more so I think she'll come to like doing this better than what we've been doing and hopefully it will give me more time to do more around the house and more with Isabelle since one of my major complains about the program we've been with is that it takes up SO much of our time, we can't do anything else and then we burn out (VERY quickly too, I might add!).

I'm actually getting excited though. I'm finding LOTS of stuff on Pinterest and getting ideas for units. I'm going to put some of these ideas here so I can kind of keep track of what I want to do, at least for the next month or so.

Some ideas I'm thinking of:
Plants
Feeding of Winter Birds
Habitats (especially of arctic animals)
Groundhog's Day
Presidents' Day
Valentine's Day stuff
Weather
Winter
Space (might be later on in the next year)
Spring
Time
Money

So, that's a start, hoping to think of other units as the year continues.

This has not been a very productive month thus far...

Started December with a severe case of vertigo. Had a couple of days of that. Then I ended up feeling emotionally overwhelmed the second weekend of December, just bogged down by everything and frustrated with not getting things caught up. And now, I'm sick again. Was hit this past Thursday with vertigo, sick all day on Friday, and Saturday the cold hits and I've been fighting that. I finally took all three of us to the doctor's on Tuesday after an awful night with Isabelle waking up and crying several times. Plus, we had to be out of the apartment for at least two hours for spraying (still trying to get rid of those bugs). Verdict: I have a sinus infection; Isabelle has an ear infection; and Natalie has a cold. Isabelle and I are both on antibiotics (joy). So HOPEFULLY soon we'll all be on the mend because seriously, I cannot stand being sick anymore. Of course, the way it stands I'll get better only to be housebound by the monster blizzard we're expecting to start tonight. *sigh* It's probably a good thing I don't seriously celebrate Christmas because this is shaping up to be a pretty crappy holiday.

Still plowing through this online schooling thing...for now.

It's been a real struggle though. There are days I can't get Natalie to do any work at all and I just get tired of fighting with her. Other days, there's so much to do in the house that I just can't deal with that AND trying to get Natalie to do her lessons. There are times where it ends up being a one or the other thing and I get tired of my apartment looking trashed and not being able to find things.

We ended up WAY behind by Tuesday. She was supposed to be down to 10 overdue lessons and she was up to 29. The breakdown on Sunday told me that I really need to start picking my battles as far as what I need to be focusing on. I took a much needed three days off and have talked to Natalie's teacher. A new plan is in place and I'm hoping that I can keep Natalie on track from now to the end of the semester. I don't know if I'm going to continue after the semester though. The pace may just be too much to meet the needs of our family at this time. It is a good program and it's a good compromise between homeschooling and public schooling but at the same time, a lot of the benefits that come from strictly homeschooling are lost (though there are benefits that are gained like not having to buy a curriculum--good if you don't have much money for one). So, I'm trying to get it all figured out and it's very possible that we will have to withdraw her and continue on our own for the second semester. At least, I will know where she's at and have an idea what to focus on and form a curriculum based on that.

I can't do it all anymore.

I've been trying to though and it's really starting to get to me. Natalie started her online classes back in the beginning of September and from the beginning, she's been fighting me. She's very intelligent, does very well with her work, WHEN she does it, but most of the time, she doesn't want to do it. She's hungry or she has to use the bathroom or she wants to go play with her friend, or she wants to play with her ponies or she wants to look up ponies online or insert any of several dozen excuses. She fell behind and we have been trying to catch up since. Part of the reason I went with to the feast was because I was hoping to get some of Natalie's lessons caught up and hopefully keep her from falling more behind. Nope, didn't work. She just kept fighting me. It's been more than THREE months of this. It's been more of three months of basically having to spend the ENTIRE day working on her with her lessons and trying to get a schedule figured out so that she's not falling even more behind but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, she just keeps falling behind because she will not do all of her lessons.

In the meantime, the apartment has been neglected. Laundry is always several weeks behind. I'm constantly running out of clean clothes. We've had the exterminator here a couple of times to deal with the bug problem we have in the complex and because of that, we still have a bunch of boxes in the living room packed up with stuff. I've been working in a non-fully stocked kitchen which drives me NUTS!

My office is a disaster. I keep trying to find time to clean it and there just isn't any. Anything that's mine ends up in here because if it's anywhere else in the apartment it gets lost or thrown out. And I'm constantly losing things in the office because it's not organized and I'm trying to homeschool Natalie in my office as well.

Because of the bugs, we no longer have a couch or a TV or a VCR. The girls broke the coffee table. The chairs that went with our dining room table are almost all broken so we have plastic deck chairs instead. We have ONE recliner in the living room, that's it. My husband's computer is on the dining room table. We almost never eat at the table all together.

Fridays and Saturdays are my husband's days off. Saturday is the sabbath so he does nothing and is gone at church with the girls all day. Friday I either try to get lessons done or I try and get errands done. I can't do both. If the one is done, the other is not. I'm the person who does pretty much ALL of the laundry and I do ALL of the shopping.

I...AM...BURNING...OUT. I ended up in psych last year for four days because I finally lost it. I went on meds and did a lot better than I was doing before but medication cannot do everything. There's too much going on, too little time for me to get things done, and I live with a man who makes MORE work for me instead of helping me. He can be as bad as a child sometimes. And yet, even though I'm doing all of the work, I have VERY little control over the finances. HE makes the large financial decisions and does it without even talking to me! He took out a pay day loan that we absolutely could not afford, he didn't even attempt to figure out a budget to see if we could afford it. He just took it out because he could and he needed to fund his trip to the feast. And yet, if I spend even $5 on the girls for Christmas, I'm a horrible and rebellious person because I'm celebrating that evil pagan holiday. And forget putting up a tree. Just forget it.

I walked out today. Just put socks and boots on, threw on my coat and walked out. Before that I was screaming at the girls, screaming at my husband on the phone, and just in general having a massive breakdown. Nineteen lessons overdue with the thread of a truancy violation if I don't get her down to ten lessons overdue by Tuesday. NOTHING got done on Friday because I went out to pay the RENT (which we're almost a month behind on) and get DIAPERS which we were almost out of, two things I cannot depend on my husband to do because he gets so distracted it takes him HOURS to get out the door to do ANYTHING. Which is why half the time Natalie's phy ed lessons don't get done because he doesn't have the time to do it before he leaves for work. So I walked out, walked out of the apartment where my two year old was screaming her head off, walked out and left them both alone while I went for a walk. And I think I even left the oven on. I walked to calm down because I just couldn't take it anymore. I walked in that white, snowy, winter wonderland that was forming (because we got our first snowstorm today) and wished that I wasn't in the middle of a town but back on the farm where I grew up, back where it would have been still and silent and white and peaceful.

I walked back home though. And fortunately my neighbor was there when I got back. My daughter went next door and got him. And my husband came home from work shortly after that (about three hours early). I went and took a nap and now, I just feel numb.

I don't how much more of this I can take though. I want out of my marriage; I want out of what I see as a prison sentence. And no, I don't see my children as part of that but it's SO hard to do EVERYTHING and not have ANY help or ANY say. I can't talk to my husband without him getting defensive and saying I'm attacking him. And then when he does the same thing, he gets mad when I get upset and says I'm being overly sensitive and taking it personally. I can't win. I can't get through to him. I'm getting to where I don't even want to try anymore. It's just not worth it.

So yeah, today I feel like a massive failure as a parent but that's nothing new. I always feel like I'm failing.

My Little Pony is starting to become Mommy's Little NIGHTMARE!

It began innocently enough. I had had a decent collection of My Little Pony ponies when I was a child. I had a few favorites including the rare and hard to find Mint Dreams and Boysenberry Pie ponies. My younger sister had a beautiful pony by the name of Dancing Butterflies (a fancy pony that was yellow with butterflies everywhere, probably an ancestor to the current Fluttershy pony of generation 4). We had other ponies as well but like I said, it was a decent collection for that time, probably no more than 20 ponies. Then My Little Pony kind of disappeared and we grew out of them and slowly they just sort of disappeared. When Natalie was a baby, I happened to see that my older sister had a couple of ponies on hand and convinced her to give me one to give Natalie later on. She was around two when she got it and we found one at a garage sale and got her a few fakies (ponies that are not the brand labeled My Little Pony ponies). Before going to Korea, I had found a few more but then left all the actual My Little Pony ponies and took only the fake ones with to Korea. The other ponies were put away though, set in our locker and taken out over a year later and given to Natalie then. Her fifth birthday was fairly pony free. She had her small pony collection and that was that. However, not long after, we got cable which included The Hub, which aired a show called My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. An obsession was born. It still didn't really take off when she got a number of ponies for her sixth birthday. It was when her friend next door started collecting them that the trouble started. Then it became a full-on pony war. Now it's a battle to see who will have the most ponies and pony accessories. Current generation is the big draw with the crowning achievement being the wedding set that includes ponies Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. This is generation 4 or the ponies you see on the show that's featured on The Hub. Third generation ponies are another big draw as are generation 1 ponies (the ponies I grew up with back in the 1980's and early 1990's). Generation 2 ponies are hard to find and not exactly the most attractive as far as I'm concerned and to be honest, outside of the ones I had as a kid, it's generation 3 that draws my interest the most. Generation 4 ponies are pretty generic compared with past generations and the ones available are usually the same six ponies with some extra ones thrown in for variety. There's a limit to how many Rarities, Twilight Sparkles, Pinkie Pies, Rainbow Dashes, Apple Jacks, and Fluttershies one can have. Of course, try to tell that to my daughter and she'll just give you this look because um, NO, that's just not possible! Never mind that there's probably over 100 other ponies out there made in the previous generations. And then you have the little bitty ponies. These are about an inch or so long and made entirely of plastic and come in a non-see through bag (AKA blind bag). This naturally is a HUGE draw to a 6 year old, especially when said ponies are only $2 each (easy to afford for little girls dropping teeth everywhere for tooth fairy money). Sometimes, they're even put into see through packages and sold in stores for slightly less than the $2/each price. And with the holiday season going strong, there are few places you can go where you will NOT run into a My Little Pony (current or old!). Now, being the reasonable mother I am, I try not to go overboard when it comes to ponies and have done pretty well. Usually I find some good deals on them and get them that way (eBay is pretty dangerous when it comes to finding ponies, especially old ones and will likely trigger major toy nostalgia so be careful if you go that route!). Her aunt, my one older sister, on the other hand, has gone absolutely insane as far as finding pony paraphernalia. She has totally outdone me on the ponies this year and probably last year too since she not only has bought my daughter several ponies but even other pony items. The post Christmas Day (and birthday, since her birthday is two days after Christmas) comparison between two little neighbor girls will be BRUTAL! Every time my daughter or her friend gets a new pony, she has to show the other what she got before she even gets inside her apartment (they live literally next door to each other in the same building). It can get ugly! Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes there's stomping! The drama surrounding these ponies is INSANE!!! Which is why after this birthday, I'm DONE! No more ponies for Natalie! She'll have to get her pony fix from her aunt. Any ponies I buy will be for the younger daughter who is already going around and saying in the cutest little voice, "My Little Po-NY!" Will the nightmare ever end?!

Absoluting Fascinating Video about Human Evolution

Only 12 minutes long too! I find the subject of evolution interesting and something I want to know more about simply because it wasn't really something we were taught in school. I went to Catholic school for five years and even after that, public school didn't really touch all that much on it. Where we come from is an incredibly interesting question and learning where we come from and how we came to be tells us SO much about us as a species. There are many though who believe humans were made from dirt and woman from a man's rib and that's that. But I just find that a little hard to believe.

Let's stop with the assumptions, shall we?

There's been a bit of a brouhaha over a situation in Santa Monica. For 60 years, a Palisades Park had displays for the holidays. It was assigned by lottery. Last year, of the 21 spots, 18 went to atheists. When the displays were vandalized, the city ended the tradition not wanting to deal with the issue especially since they were accused of being against Christians. So now, because of this, there is a group trying to get the event back up and running again so that they can have their nativity scenes and people are joining in on the fray online badmouthing atheists and making some pretty big assumptions about them. One rant appeared on a Cafemom's The Stir website. Cafemom is a forum for mothers, not just Christian mothers either but mothers of ALL faiths, something that people on there sometimes forget. The title of the rant is the very provocative 10 Reasons Atheists Can Go to Hell Over Holiday Decorations Fight If that doesn't get an atheist's blood boiling, the list of reasons along with some of the comments are sure to. You can check it out HERE.

Here are my thoughts on the whole thing as an atheist who celebrates and enjoys the holidays and yet CANNOT celebrate them as she wishes because she's married to a CHRISTIAN who does NOT celebrate Christmas.

1. Believe it or not Christmas did NOT begin as a Christian holiday. All the ranting and raving to keep CHRIST in Christmas, all the moaning and groaning over people who say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas (the HORROR!) is for naught because Jesus was NEVER EVER the reason for the season. He may be now but that does not give Christians the sole unalienable rights to the holiday. Christmas has pagan roots and was celebrated by the very people Christians reviled and killed once upon a time. Then someone got the clever idea to take all the customs of Christmas and Christianize them to lure pagans to the Christian religion. Pretty smart idea if you ask me but people tend to conveniently forget that when they start going off about how Christmas needs to be about Jesus and Jesus only.

2. Not all atheists avoid Christmas and not all Christians celebrate Christmas. This is definitely the case in my household. My mom kind of failed to explain to me the so-called true meaning of Christmas back when I was a wee one so for many years, I simply didn't know. I didn't really learn until I was 9 years old and got a lecture on it because I was going to put X-mas on my window instead of Christmas. I do recall singing Christmas carols before that time but I didn't know what they meant, just thought they were pretty songs. So, for years and years Christmas meant no more to me than decorations, a tree (gotta have the tree), family getting together, and presents (some years better than other on that score).

One of my first memories is a picture of me decorating a tree when I was I think 4 years old. I remember another time when my toddler age little sister pulled down the Christmas tree. I remember going out to the Megafoods 25 miles from home and buying enough groceries to get the free Christmas tree. I remember playing Candy Land and opening presents and rushing down the stairs on Christmas morning and waiting for Santa. I have a lot of happy memories of Christmas. I have some not so happy memories of Christmas but I try not to think of those so much. Christmas to me is magical and bright and I do not need a reason to celebrate.

My husband, on the other hand, is a Christian who sees Christmas as an unholy, EVIL holiday that should be banned if at all possible. The years I have put up a Christmas tree are met with glares, comments on how I'm rebellious, and massive amounts of tension in general. He brings back memories of all of the UNhappy Christmases I had growing up, the ones that tended to be ruined by a mentally ill father who would reach the peak of his depression right when the amount of light was at its lowest (winter solstice). My family calls him Ebeneezer and sadly, I think he has outdone even my father as to how positively GRINCH-like he can be. The Christmas I was due with our first child I think was the deciding factor. At least my father wouldn't have fasted and prayed for nearly 48 just because he didn't want his wife to have their child on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

He is not alone in his beliefs. There are a number of Christians out there who do not celebrate Christmas for the very same reasons my husband doesn't. The Bible mentions nothing of Christmas and there are many who believe that scripture in the book of Jeremiah actually FORBIDS the celebration of Christmas (or at the very least, putting up a Christmas tree). Some of the stories behind Christmas are rather sordid which adds to the dislike towards Christmas by a number of Christians.

3. Christmas has not always been celebrated in the US. Out of the almost 250 years since our country's birth, Christmas has only really been annually celebrated for 150 of those years. Nearly 100 years went by before Christmas became a national holiday and there are periods of the country's history when Christmas was OUTLAWED! This was for the very same reasons that some Christians do not celebrate Christmas today. Other reasons include the fact that at one time, it was seen as an English holiday and as we were NOT English anymore, it was considered unpatriotic to celebrate.

4. We do not live in a theocracy, this is NOT a Christian nation (in that it is mandated as a Christian nation as other countries are like those in Europe). There is something called freedom of religion and the separation of church and state which is there to protect ALL religions, not just Christian religions.

So let's get over this idea that atheists are out to ruin things because they're not. Some do want to make sure that one particular religion is not being favored over all other religions. In the case of Santa Monica, the town did a good job of trying to keep that from happening with a lottery. When a dispute arose because of the changes of the dynamics of the area, they cut it. Part of the reason behind this was to save money.

And while we're at it, let's consider for a moment what would happen if the US were to become a theocracy and decided to follow ONE religion. What religion would it be? What laws would be put on the books in order to follow this religion? Look at history, at a time when stores and other businesses were closed on Sundays, where two consenting MARRIED adults couldn't participate in certain sexual activities because they were illegal, where the rights of women were non-existent. Do we really want to go back to those times? I sure don't! So remember that this country is full of people of many religions and that having one religion dominating in the US would not be fun AT ALL.

Day of Rest or an Excuse to be Lazy?

My husband is a sabbath keeper which means from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday he doesn't work. Not only does he not work, he also doesn't buy anything (so no grocery shopping), he doesn't run errands, and he usually doesn't do any chores whatsoever (though he might on occasion wash a few dishes). He complains because I still do things during the sabbath even though I do not believe what he does so it doesn't matter to me. It seems to matter horribly to him though and he takes grave offense to my doing ANYTHING on the sabbath at all.

It would be nice to have a day where I do nothing, a day where I can just sit around and not do housework, not cook or clean or take care of my kids. But five days a week my husband works and I'm homeschooling my six year old. Fridays are usually jam-packed with appointments and errands that I can't do on Saturday. And Saturday is when I get things done I can't get the rest of the week. There is no day of rest for me, there's no rest at all! I might get a break when I absolutely have to, when my body just screams at me to stop but if I don't use Saturdays to get things done (especially things that I can get done because the girls are out with their dad like organize their toys like I'm doing today), I fall horribly behind and I get more and more behind each day I take off. There is no rest for me and usually, that's pretty normal for moms but it gets frustrating at times.

I won't lie, it's nice to have a day to rest your body and to take some "time off" of the normal day to day stuff. But at the same time (especially when you add holy days in), it's a luxury that one can't always afford. I'm a mother to two girls who act like little hurricanes on a daily basis. Taking ONE day off can make the difference between a clean house and a house that needs to be declared a national disaster by the governor.

Yet AGAIN, I'm organizing toys! Ugh!

I seriously need to CUT DOWN on the amount of toys the girls have. This is not something I'm good at though so every so often, I'm left dealing with the toys being all messed up and unorganized. It doesn't help that my husband doesn't know the first thing about organizing. I have, for toys alone, two extra large totes (think 17 gallons), two large totes, two medium totes, and 15 shoebox sized totes. Then I have a tote for legos and a tote for wooden blocks. This should be MORE than enough to organize toys in (and we're not including stuffed animals in this, just toys and dolls) but I find toys EVERYWHERE! Again, doesn't help that my husband is organization-challenged. When he goes to clean, he throws stuff in boxes in absolutely no logical sense whatsoever. So, I have found things in the oddest of places not the least of which the box of garbage bags in a box of toys (this after my husband SWORE the garbage were not in ANY of the boxes). *sigh* This makes me wish I had stayed home while they all had gone to the Feast last month because trying to catch up on all of the housework, shopping, laundry, AND homeschooling is going to kill me. Thank goodness for medication because I probably would have gone off the deep end by now.

UPDATE: Pictures to give you an idea of all of the organizing I do with these toys!

 

I probably should post an updated picture as I have gone through and gotten rid of a few toys since then. I should probably wait until AFTER Christmas though. Oh, and the bottom tote in the last picture is all My Little Pony stuff. There's also a small tote of My Little Pony stuff on the top shelf, it's all the accessories and little bitty ponies she has. I'm afraid to even see all the stuff her aunt sent! She's sending me TWO boxes worth of stuff! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!

It's Been Awhile

This fall, I started homeschooling Natalie. It is through an online program called Connections Academy. Her school is Wisconsin Connections Academy and it’s through the Appleton School District. I have been pretty impressed so far but I have also come to realize that when it comes to the average student, Natalie is anything but average. I probably should have already realized that but to me, she is average or just above average. Compared to other kids, she’s WAY above average. It starts to make a little more sense now why I probably had so many issues in school with kids my own age.

Some days go very well and we get a lot done. Other days, she fights me on EVERY. SINGLE. LESSON. Ugh. She hates handwriting. She does not like to write small letters at all. She wants to write all in caps which she cannot be doing anymore. She has to learn to write in small letters as well and only capitalize important words and the beginning of sentences. Easier said than done, she doesn’t want to do it. She’s getting a little better but some letters she still tries to write out in caps. I’m hoping it gets easier as she gets through the school year but it’s probably not going to help that this year, she’s going to learn how to type. I’m shocked that they are doing this already. I suppose it makes some sense because she’s in an online school but still, this is stuff I didn’t learn until middle school and high school and stuff John STILL doesn’t know. She’s also going to be learning how to use Microsoft Office! She’s in FIRST grade! I figure she can teach John how to use all of that stuff. lol

So thankfully, she was put into first grade. I was concerned she was going to have to start with kindergarten because she was homeschooled for kindergarten and we didn't do all that much. I guess it was enough though because her placement test put her in first grade. Though to be honest, I think she could just about be in second if her writing was better. She reads well, has been doing VERY well in math; she reads her textbooks just fine. She can read some pretty big words too, I found when I gave her my Kindle to read from one night. It’s just a matter of motivation that we struggle with at times. She does not like to do school work. She really enjoys going online for her classes though and makes sure not to miss those. She likes talking to her teacher and to the other kids. Unfortunately, she also wants to spend all day in front of the TV. But what can I do? I just keep at her and try to motivate her, usually bribing her with a My Little Pony if she gets so many lessons done.

Still, that seems to be my biggest challenge, getting her to do her work some days. The other big challenge is getting John to do the physical education stuff with her. That is NOT my forte and NOT something I really want to be doing (unless I have her do the yoga which is going to become my threat if he doesn’t start getting her out and doing stuff soon—he’s against yoga because it’s Hindu). She took her reading benchmark test on Tuesday and from what I was told, she did very well. She got through quite a few books and seems to be in the upper second grade level, almost third grade level for reading. That's great, now I just need to get her to read books other than My Little Pony and Word Girl. Those are not challenging her AT ALL!

Isabelle has been doing all sorts of cute things. This really is my favorite age for little ones though at times, she can be quite challenging. Already, she’s learning her letters and numbers and I figure she’ll be ready to start tracing by next summer at 3 like Natalie was when she started to trace her name though this time I’ll get smart and teach Isabelle to write her name in both capitol and small letters. She talks, a lot, and sings. She LOVES to sing. She loves music and dancing. She’s not as into coloring like Natalie was but Natalie wasn’t as much into music as Isabelle is.

It’s interesting to see how the two of them are similar, yet different. Isabelle has beautiful, curly hair. The back will just curl into these adorable ringlets. She’s very attached to me and John and is very particular about who else she’ll like. She LOVES being read to. She'll come up to one of us with a book and start saying, "Read! Read!" If you don't respond, she'll hit you with the book. She's just too funny. She's very polite though at times and says "Thank you" in this very cute little voice.

She's been a bit of a stinker lately though and it's a challenge to homeschool Natalie and keep Isabelle out of trouble at the same time. Of late, she's gotten into the tinfoil and completely unrolled it (and it was either 50 or 75 yards of tinfoil so that was a bit of a mess when I found it). She keeps going after my coffee plant which I have set up for one of Natalie's classes. She also very recently conducted a science experiment where she put my cell phone into a cup of water. Needless to say, I no longer have a cell phone. *sigh* Two-year-olds can get into SO much trouble!

But day by day I'm trying to get by. It hasn't been easy especially since my husband is not the most supportive person on the planet but I do okay most days. Other days, I feel like running away.

About Me and What I Believe

Well, what I'm working towards as far as my beliefs go anyway. My name is Janeen and I'm a 32 year old mother of two girls. Natalie is 6 (and 3/4!) and Isabelle is 2. I've been married for nine years now to my husband John whose religious beliefs are the exact opposite of mine. We're also almost 17 years apart in age and the combination of the two differences has really made our marriage kind of tumultuous. We have very little in common and that has only gotten worse the older and more set in my ways I've gotten. I do believe that there will be a point in which our marriage will dissolve; whether that is sooner or later depends on how much I can put up with and there are days I'm tempted to walk right out the door (today was one of them especially since I had missed taking my medication for three days).

I've been questioning my religious beliefs since my early teens. To begin with, I didn't really even become aware of the existence of any god until I was 9 years old and decorating my bedroom window for Christmas. Now, I had sung Christmas songs in the past, was learning Christmas songs that year for a concert but it really didn't sink in that there was anything behind those songs. We also sang songs about Santa Claus! Anyway, I was putting the word X-mas on my window (because I didn't have the room nor could I spell Christmas) and my mom was offended by this. Well, I didn't know there was something wrong with it, like I said, I didn't even really know what the holiday was about. It was just a nice family tradition as far as I was concerned, none of it had any meaning though beyond that. So my mom tried to explain to me about Jesus but I didn't get it. I hadn't been to a church since I was 5 years old and I barely remembered ever going. I recall a Sunday school class but very vaguely.

Fast forward a year and I'm preparing to start at a new school after the Christmas holiday. I was going to be going to a Catholic school. Thinking back, I'm not sure exactly why my mom thought that would provide a better education than a public school but ah well, it was something different and I hadn't been doing all that great in the public school. Kids were horrible and mean there and I was bullied quite a bit the three years after kindergarten I was there. Before I was to start school, I had to kind of take a crash course in Catholicism because I knew NOTHING. We never did any prayers so I didn't know any. I barely knew what I would need to know to get through religion classes. I started 4th grade, halfway through the year, not only at a new school but at a school that was based on a religion I knew absolutely nothing about. Thank goodness I was a fast learner! So that was me at 10 and for at least a few years, I took on the Catholic school thing pretty well. I also learned about the belief system I was thrust into and took it on and being a kid, really thought nothing of it. I still believed in Santa Claus so why not believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit?

So, I didn't think much of it at first but the older I started to get and the more I learned about things, the more I started to question things. I mean, it's easy to believe what the church (and the bible) says when you're young and you don't know much yourself but as you learn, you naturally start to question what you've been told. I stopped believing in Santa at 11 (having proof he didn't exist). I started questioning the existence God not too many years after that, no more than 4. I couldn't understand how there was a beginning for all of us and yet no beginning for God. Where did he come from? When did time begin? How did it all begin? These are natural questions that anyone would start to ask but my mother's response was that if I had been born at a different time in history, I would have been burned at the stake. Nice. Well, since I wasn't getting the answers at home, I took them to school. Unfortunately, the religion teacher I had my freshman year of high school was an idiot. I still don't think he really had a teaching certification but I could be wrong. He not only didn't answer the questions I have but he gave me an A even though I was trying to be as difficult as possible in the class! That was my last semester in a Catholic school and I transferred to the public school for the second semester. I remember before that happened though we had confession and I remember confessing that I was questioning my beliefs. The priest told me it was normal. ARGH! Was anyone listening to me?!

And so that's where it began and it's been over a decade and a half of questioning and searching and trying to figure out what I believed before I finally reached the conclusion that I simply did not believe, AT ALL. And with that conclusion, all the pieces fell into place and it was like, "Wow, why didn't I figure this out before now?" There's a lot of reasons for that and I have no doubt my marriage had some to do with that not to mention that there is a lot of pressure in society to confirm to one religious belief or another. So, with that falling into place finally, I began to search for others. I have been very lucky to find a local group of freethinkers and have been able to access and read some very good, thought provoking books and with this reading, I'm working on figuring out more of where my belief system is. I don't think it's just atheist, I think there is more to it. I would definitely say I'm a freethinker, possibly a pantheist, and likely a humanist. If these terms make no sense, do not worry as I will share information on these later. Right now, I'm just kind of trying to get my words out here.

I plan to use this blog as a place I can think. I can't talk to my husband about my beliefs (other than to debate and he's rather judgmental and insulting towards me when it comes to what I believe) and there's still a lot of information for me to process. There are also quotes and things I would like to find and save not to mention my thoughts on them as well as my thoughts on books I'm reading. This blog is in no way intended to try to lure anyone to my beliefs. Religious beliefs are a very personal thing and not everyone will be inclined to think or believe the same way (why there are so many different kinds of religions to begin with). I do hope that it gets people to think, maybe question. Perhaps those questions will lead somewhere, perhaps not. It took me more than a decade and a half to reach this place myself, more than half my life. Those beginning questions were like seeds from a tree that took years to grow and take root and finally become strong enough to stand up to the winds of challenge that come from all over. Okay, that was a lame metaphor but you see where I'm coming from.

It's been awhile and a lot has happened.

I haven't been too into writing of late. I sort of hit bottom mid-May and have been trying to keep from hitting bottom again. That hasn't always been easy. I struggle constantly with feeling overwhelmed. Back in May, it was really bad. Not only did I feel overwhelmed with life in general but I also felt overwhelmed by all of the emotions I was feeling. It's hard enough to deal with an overwhelming life but when your feelings are out of control, it's even worse. I didn't just feel emotions, I over felt them. The intensity of my emotions was so strong I simply could not deal with day to day life. It didn't matter what emotion it was, it was simply too much for me to deal with. And eventually, it all just became too much.

It's been a lot better in some ways and not much better at all in others. I'm on medication, something I fought and resisted for the longest time because in the past it didn't help or do me any good. This time, it did. This time, the intensity of everything I was feeling was calmed down. Granted, it's not like it was when I first went on medication. At that time, I felt almost numb which was exactly what I wanted. I really almost didn't want to feel. But at least the emotions are bearable and they're controllable...most of the time.

Once I got in control of that, other things started falling into place (and others stayed stuck in their usual lousy spot). I finally came to realize, to REALLY realize that I did not believe in god. Now, this is not something new. I have been asking questionings and wondering since I was in my early teens. But I have finally been able to come to the idea that I did not need to believe in god. I finally accepted that I didn't believe in god rather than continue to try and force myself to believe to find a religion/relationship to participate in. I joined a local free-thinkers group here in my town and it's been a breath of fresh air for me. THIS is what I had been looking for for years and years and years. The intelligent conversations I had come to miss when my one friend and I more or less drifted apart I have found again.

I'm not saying that Christians are not intelligent. That's definitely not the case. The questions though that I used to love asking and discussing are ones that many believers do not take on. Many don't feel the need to because they already feel they know the answers. But that's never been that way for me. I have always had questions, always wanted to know WHY. I have struggled massively to make sense of it all and to have control over that which I did not have control. I took on a couple of Christian religions that were quite different in beliefs, took on even some pagan beliefs but nothing seemed to really fit or make sense or answer the questions I had. Granted, I'm not necessarily saying that my current beliefs answer all of my questions either. In fact, I may have even more questions than I did before. But I'm OKAY with some of those questions not being answered whereas before, with my beliefs, I couldn't accept that. It's kind of hard to explain. Maybe it's a matter of expectations. I'm not sure.

So, that's kind of where I've been lately. My oldest started school the beginning of last month and while it's an online charter school through a school district in my state, it's still a lot of work for me because I'm doing most of the teaching. It hasn't been easy because my nearly seven year old has not been making it easy. As time goes on though, we're both getting used to it and getting better about it so hopefully, we can keep on with things and not have too many more problems.

Not much more to say right now. I'm hoping to get better with this blogging stuff but I'm not going to hold my breath and I don't recommend my readers do either.

We live in a world of lust and hate.

Okay, this was kind of taken from Peter's Schilling's World of Lust and Crime but it fits. So many of the issues we have in this world today stem from two points (okay, I'm sure it really stems from all of the seven deadly sins but just work with me here): lust and hate. Lust has made it so that all things that should be innocent are seen as dirty and hate is what I see so much these days from those who constantly judge, who constantly want others brought down to their level or lower, who say hateful things to others and make assumptions about people instead of taking the time to learn and walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Hate is something I see so much of but there's a lot of lust too and I think the one feeds off the other because lust is not love, lust will never be love because lust sees people as objects and hate does too. Hate fails to look beyond the surface because if you look below the surface, how can you continue to hate? If you try to emphasize, how can that hate continue to burn hotly?

I just don't understand how people can be SO hateful!

I'm struggling with religion right now, struggling with the idea that there is even a god (especially when I see those who profess to believe in god being so hateful themselves) so I can't really say what I believe and don't believe but I do think that there is some sense to the idea that we need to love others, love our neighbors, love our enemies. We need to love because hate is so deadly and so vile. Hate is evil, the very core of evilness. Peace will NEVER exist in this world as long as hate exists.

We can't just love SOME people. We can't pick and choose who to treat with kindness. We must treat ALL with kindness and decency and not judge on what we see on the surface. We should not make assumptions about a person because of age or race or weight or sex or whether that person is on food stamps or any number of these things. We should look at all and try to understand that they may be fighting a battle we cannot see. They may have their own demons that are haunting them. They may have mental problems. We don't know. And what may come easily for us may not come so easily for others. Our experiences may not be theirs and we need to remember that. We can't be looking down on others from our high horses but offer them a ride with us whenever possible.

As for lust, our bodies should not be for sale to be used as objects to be sold for gold. Our children should not be used to invoke emotion, provoke anger. Our children should be seen as innocent because they are CHILDREN. Our girls should not be sold this idea that their only worth is as sexual beings. They should be celebrated for their intelligence and their character, not how pretty they are. A woman's worth should not be based on how skinny she is or how big her breasts are or what size dress she can wear or on her hair/make-up. That is lust, not love. Love is innocent, lust is not. Lust is not love but hate, hatred for love and innocence.

I'm probably not making much sense but just seems that lately all I read is hate, hate and lust, lust and hate and there's no love, no sympathy, no empathy. We are becoming soulless and black and without a thread to anything, just drifting...

Days like these I wonder why I bother even living.

Suicide and murder are supposed to be horrible things because all humans are worthy of life. I mean, abortion is horribly wrong because it's taking the life of an innocent baby but really, not ALL humans are worthy of life, are they? Not all humans are even worthy of respect whether it be out loud or even in one's head. I mean let's start with the worse of the bunch: child molesters. They should be killed, eradicated from the world, killed in horrendous horrible ways or if not that, then they should definitely be raped repeatedly every day while serving life in prison. Murderers come next, the more people you killed or the more horribly you kill them, the more likely that your life is worth nothing. After that, it gets kind of shady and perhaps more personal. It stops being so much of society wanting you dead and more society just doesn't want to have to pay to support your sorry ass. And you're blamed for every scourge of the earth there is.

Obese people. That's the newest target. There are those who want obese people to just die already even though 1/3 of the US population is considered obese. At the very least, they should be quiet, should be talked down to and shamed on a daily basis, and should do whatever they possibly can to lose weight WHILE having people talk down to and verbally abuse and shame them day in and day out until they do reach that society acceptable weight. If it means getting gastric bypass, then they should definitely do so. If they die in the process, they had it coming to them. They shouldn't have children because they won't know how to teach their kids to eat properly. If an obese woman gets pregnant, she should abort. If she doesn't abort, she should have ever single intervention thrown at her as possible and have her baby cut out of her. Then she should probably lose her baby because she won't be able to properly take care of it. Obese people should stay inside and to make sure that happens, there will be very few clothes an obese person can wear and for sure, the largest size will always run out the fastest.

There are people who have blogs I read, who speak out against this crap, who receive emails where they are told they should DIE. They are told that no one will ever love them, that they should be RAPED.

I get SO tired of reading this shit. I get SO tired of reading how morally superior those who can keep their weight in check feel over those who cannot. My weight issues started when I was 13. I went from barely eating lunch (because the food sucked) in elementary school to moving to middle school and eating crap for lunch every day because the food that was served was the equivalent of a fast food join. And taking cold lunch would not have helped because my mother would have packed me a Carl Budding sandwich on white bread with mayo. I lived on Hamburger Helper when I was a kid because my mom was in school and my brother was the one taking care of me while she was in school 50 miles away and there wasn't much he could cook and it FED US. She was on WELFARE and FOOD STAMPS and often what got cut out of the budget were the veggies or if they were bought, it was the canned stuff. At least for the first 10 years, we had a 10 acre farm but when we moved to down, I was barely allowed to go outside. My school barely had any playground space and no equipment. Recess was spent playing 4-square.

I'm trying to do better, to eat better after years of eating crap food (much of it served in SCHOOL of all places!). The damage has been done though. I'm obese, hell I'm morbidly obese and every single freaking time I lose even a little bit of weight (even accidentally), it comes back and then some the minute life gets the best of me which it so often does. And I'm just so damn tired of the messages I face every single day telling me I'm not good enough. That no matter what I do it won't be good enough because I'm not THIN, I'm not between that magical BMI number of 20 and 25. And because of that, I cost taxpayers money, I'm causing global warming, I'm the SCOURGE of the fucking earth! I read it so damn many times I get tired of it all, tired of living, tired of my life basically being considered WORTHLESS because I'm FAT.

I'm not a horrible person. I try hard to be nice to people to not judge people to follow the rules and the laws and do things for others and be a good friend. But that's not enough. It will never be enough because I'm fat. And I will very likely always be fat and will very likely die fat. And there are days I wish that that day I die would come a little sooner than it likely will (because my grandparents lived to 70 and so far my mom and dad are still alive at 66 and they're not skinny so I probably have a decent shot of making it to at least 65, and they're not in perfect health either) because I don't know how much more I can take of being hated by the world, I really don't.

Isabelle's birth story--the long version--Part 5

This entry is for the Giving Birth--A Defining Moment series on The Mom Pledge Blog. Other birth stories can be found here: http://www.themompledgeblog.com/2012/05/defining-moments-you.html

I've been working on Isabelle's birth story for the last week or so now and it's quite a lengthy one with five parts. Part 5 is the formerly short version of Isabelle's birth story. Before reading that, you may want to read the story of her sister's arrival: http://theworldofnatalie.blogspot.com/2006/02/miss-natalie-has-arrived.html because it shaped how I wanted Isabelle's birth to be (which was the exact opposite of her older sister's birth). If you get a chance, read the other parts of Isabelle's birth story which you can find on this blog, part 4 especially since I do feel that part 4 was the turning point of the whole thing. Without some of the events that happened during that part, I don't think I would have gotten the birth I worked so hard to get though having the support from ICAN and other online groups during my pregnancy helped greatly as well and helped educate me so that I could make the decisions I needed to make and be confident in those decisions as well. And of course, reading of other positive deliveries for women of size on The Plus Sized Pregnancy Website helped reassure me during those times I especially felt vulnerable due to blatant size discrimination in articles and posts I saw online.

Without further ado, here is Isabelle's birth story.

Saturday, July 17th was my due date and it had more or less come and gone without too much in the way of contractions or anything. I would have some here and there but maybe three an hour and nothing that I couldn't handle. I couldn't help but feel a little frustrated. I knew that there was a chance I would go past the due date since I had with Natalie but with Isabelle being in a good position and everything, I had gotten kind of hopeful that she would come earlier. It wasn't so much that I was impatient for her to come out because realistically, I knew that babies are harder to take care of outside than in but I was concerned that if she took too long to come out that my chance of a VBAC would end up being none and everything I did up to that point would be for nothing. I tried not to think about it though knowing that I still had three days before we even reached the gestational age Natalie was born at.

Sunday morning, the contractions I had been having all day Saturday started getting more intense and more in the back so I started to think that maybe this was it. I woke my friend (and acting doula) Tami up and she came down to help me out. After some time, she told me I should give the midwife a call and she would start boiling water for the pool so we could add some hot water in. She also added some hot water with the hose, getting water all over in the process. I gave the midwife a call and she said she would be on her way. When the water on the stove start boiling, Tami started to bring those down and add them to the pool. Eventually, the water warmed up enough that I was able to get in but Tami continued to boil water so that we could heat it up more since it was still a little cool. It was nice being in the tub and the labor calmed down a little but still continued. Neither one of us was really keeping an eye on the timing of the contractions, but we knew that we were still more or less at the beginning. I had music playing in on the computer and just in general, I was sort of veggie out, trying to remain relaxed and prepare for what would be coming up ahead.

Brenda, the midwife, arrived. The plan was that she would stay and help with labor as a montrice where basically, she would be labor support but she could also check on me and on the baby and she could check dilation. I had determined beforehand that I would get as close to transition as possible before going to the hospital. For sure, I wanted my dilation to be past where I had gotten with Natalie before I ended up with the cesarean. It was very important for me to reach that point and I did not want to go to the hospital before that at all. Still, we also wanted to not do checks too often so somehow, we had to sort of make a balance there.

I was talking to John when she arrived and she said "hi" to him and to Natalie. She wanted to check on me and the baby so I laid down on the bed in order for her to do that. Blood pressure was fine but it took her awhile to find the baby's heartbeat and I was a little nervous about that. I had been feeling Isabelle moving around so she had been fine but I know too that things can happen very quickly so I was worried that something was wrong but she did find the heartbeat and all was well. At some point, I went offline, telling him I would call him again if there was more and most of the time, I just focused on getting through the contractions in various ways. Tami gave me a lot of suggestions including walking around and made sure I was eating and drinking making me a cantaloupe smoothie and refilling my water bottle. Around 7, I started to get tired and thought I would try to get some sleep. I was able to sleep a little, maybe a couple of hours and woke up and the contractions had settled down. Brenda and I decided to do a check to see where I was at and I was pretty disappointed to hear I was only at 1 cm. How frustrating! Here, I thought that the contractions not just that morning but also from Thursday night on had been doing something. She did say that I was pretty effaced, just not dilated much so something was happening, just not much dilation, at least not yet. So, we talked and she was thinking that the baby was working on getting into position and that was why I was having the contractions but that she's probably not in the ideal position for dilation yet. Therefore, she suggested that I go to the pool, get on hands and knees and use that to help things out and maybe that would get things going better. She also recommended taking more of the cal/mag that I had been talking and Tami had some supplements to help with relaxing as well so that I could get more sleep. She left and I went back to bed, sleeping off and on until around 2pm.

I woke up and decided I would try to get to the pool. Tami agreed to drive me and when I finished getting ready, she had decided we would all go (encouraged by her five-year-old daughter). We went to the pool and I spent the time just relaxing in the water and trying to encourage Isabelle to move into the right position. I was having some contractions here and there but not very many, just a few or so per hour. We didn't spend too long there but it was nice to get out to the pool and have that time to relax, especially since I knew that it would probably be the last time I would get to the pool anyway.

At around 1 or 2 am, I was up with contractions again. They were in my back which was not making it easy on me. I woke Tami up and she started boiling water again. I walked around and did other things to try and help with the contractions and the back pain. Tami helped with that too, rubbing my back when I was having contractions. It was pretty similar to the night before and eventually, they started dying down and I was getting tired. Throughout the day though, I would wake up with contractions and eventually, I figured out that whenever I needed to pee, I would get a contraction and my back would hurt. By this point, it was REALLY hard to pee. I would have to lean to the side to really get much out and I wasn't feeling comfortable at all since by this time, the contractions were mostly in my back. Nothing steady or regular but I was in pain. I called Brenda mentioning that my bladder filling was causing the contractions and she suggested going to a chiropractor to get some help with baby's position through an adjustment. Tami scheduled an appointment for me and we left around 5 after Tami made me a really yummy green smoothie with dates and lots of greens. The car ride wasn't too much fun though with the contractions I was having and leaning back in the seat was definitely not comfortable.

The chiropractor was actually someone I had gone to school with which I thought was kind of funny. He noticed that my back (especially lower back) was pretty tight but my pelvis was nice and loose and he figured I would have the baby in the next three days. He asked me when I was due and I told him "two days ago." He mentioned that that meant he wouldn't have to be careful avoiding certain areas while working on my back. He was a little surprised to hear that I had not seen an OB in two weeks (I canceled my last appointment) and felt I needed to get in ASAP. I had figured that if I hadn't had the baby by the next day, I would since it would be past the gestational age Natalie was when she was born but the chiropractor seems very nervous especially since I was attempting a VBAC and Natalie had weighed almost 9 and a half pounds. He worked on my back a little, trying to loosen things up but he didn't do much in the way of actually adjusting me. He then recommended a cold pack and to come back if I hadn't had the baby by Wednesday.

Before going home, we stopped at the food coop for some stuff. We stopped at the bathroom first and I ended up in there for awhile after they left dealing with some contractions. It really was not fun needing to pee that day because it would trigger a contraction each time. Things did seem to be getting slightly more intense so I was having to do a little more to get through them. I called Brenda while I was there and she recommended getting some more rest and maybe even getting some wine to help with relaxing. If things were still the same, maybe book another chiropractor appointment. At this point, I was almost dancing with the contractions and leaning forward against the shopping cart. I'm sure I was getting some fairly weird looks while I was there but I wasn't paying too much attention. I did remember to pick up some massage oil since John had finally sent me money so I did that and then we all went home. I had some dinner and a little bit of wine which made me sleepy. Thinking I would try and get some sleep, I took an ice pack down to the room with me, put it to my back and tried to get some sleep.

I did sleep for maybe an hour or so before waking up to contractions. Not wanting to wake Tami up yet again, I tried to relax and go back to sleep, readjusting the ice pack. Didn't work. I kept going back and forth to the stairs to lean over them during the contractions. I was also constantly going to the bathroom (thank goodness I didn't have to go upstairs to do that because that would have been such a pain!) so I was walking from the bedroom to the stairs to the bathroom getting more and more frustrated and aggravated and just plain to the point where I could not deal with it anymore. I wanted the baby out NOW! and was thinking that I didn't care HOW she came out either! I was tired and the thought of another night of this back pain was enough to drive me insane. I was swearing, groaning, almost screaming in frustration and even anger, calling out to a higher power, and the whole bit hoping SOMETHING would happen. Finally, I had had enough and called Brenda and told her that I couldn't take it anymore, it was getting too hard, it hurt too much and I really just couldn't do it. She told me she would come up, check me out, and we would talk and see what our options are. After I got off the phone with her, I called Tami--again.

This time, I had no desire to go into the pool so I told her not to even bother with the water. Just had no interest in it at all. Tami helped me through some contractions rubbing my back and I would just lean forward. She went upstairs and I had some contractions and was using the stairs again for those. Unfortunately, I dropped that idea entirely when, during one of my contractions, a spider ran out at me! I screamed! Mind you, I'm not a big fan of spiders and having one run out at me almost in my face during a contraction was not a fun day, let me tell you. That idea abandoned, I went upstairs. Tami suggested trying some things out during the contractions, one of which just didn't work for me. I really could not be in any position where I was either straight or leaning back at all and definitely could not be on my back. Anything that got me leaning forward was the best. But I kept trying things out and what I was doing was leaning forward at the counter in the kitchen and sort of lightly bouncing from one foot to another while Tami rubbed my lower back hard. That helped out a lot. The rubbing part was VERY important in helping the back labor and without that, I would not have gotten through those contractions. I also focused a lot on the swirls in the counter; that also seemed to help a lot. I also walked around and that was okay but leaning forward was definitely the best position for me.

Around two or so, my water broke. Now, it wasn't a gush or anything and I wasn't sure if it was my water but I was feeling trickles coming down and my panties were getting pretty wet. I was also getting more bloody show and had gotten a bit of mucus at one point too. Tami gave me a pad and I put that on so that I wasn't leaking all over. She made me a drink of apple cider vinegar and honey and I was drinking that. She also made sure I was drinking water and getting some food in me, I think a banana and maybe some grapes too. By the time Brenda arrived at around 3:30 or so, things were getting more intense. I was noticing that the contractions were getting closer together and were getting longer. It didn't seem like there was much time at all between the end of the one contraction and the beginning of the next.

We decided to do a vaginal check on me. That wasn't easy because I kept having contractions and it HURT to be on my back, I could not stand it AT ALL! But I was able to get on my back for a little bit, long enough for her to check me and she told me, "You are farther along than you were with Natalie!" I was SO HAPPY! I had reached a big milestone for myself and that really helped me emotionally to continue on. She also checked my blood pressure and on the baby and we both were doing well. I still had contractions to get through and both Tami and Brenda helped me through them encouraging me and giving me suggestions like making low sounds and encouraging me some more and rubbing my back and making sure I drank and got to the bathroom. Around 4, Tami decided to take her daughter to the babysitter's and I decided it was time to call John since I figured it wouldn't be long before we would leave for the hospital. I called him and he told me he was still half an hour from home. That was about all I could really do because the contractions were making it hard to talk so I passed the phone to Brenda. Not much was said though and the call ended pretty soon after that.

Contractions were getting closer and closer together and it wasn't very long before I asked her to do another check since I was feeling that it was time to go to the hospital. I think it was close to 4:30 and I was at 8 cm. Tami came back shortly after that and we got things together to get to the hospital. I didn't call labor and delivery, sort of forgot about that but I was well beyond the "call when you get contractions 5 minutes apart" rule that the OB had given me (which was part of the plan, HELLO, was NOT going to be at the hospital for interventions any longer than I had to!). I followed Tami out to her van and I remember it was still dark and quiet out since it was not quite 5am. I got into the back of the van and into the seat on my knees sort of leaning over the seat. Tami starts driving and I watch everything go by the window while having contractions and sort of wonder what would happen if we were to get pulled over.

We get to the hospital and Tami drives past the ER, which had been moved, and drove towards the area where the old ER used to be. I reminded her that the ER had been moved and that she had driven past it. She ends up having to turn around to head back to where the new ER is. We pull up and she opens the door and I get out. I didn't have my shoes on so I walk to the desk bare foot. I let the person at the desk know that I'm there to have a baby and I was already registered. It took a little bit for her to understand and get things going, especially since I had failed to call L&D (gee, sorry, was a little busy having CONTRACTIONS!). Brenda comes in and before too long an orderly (or nurse? who knows!) shows up with a wheel chair. I get in. Tami goes to park her car and Brenda follows (or maybe it was the other way around?! I forget now!). I'm having contractions while the guy is wheeling me down the hall and he tells me that I have to wait because he's NOT ready to deliver a baby for the first time! lol I thought that was pretty funny. It was a LONG trip though! Goodness! We had to go down all these halls, to an elevator, up a couple of floors, down more halls, to the skywalk, across the skywalk, to another elevator, up a couple more floors, and down more halls until we get to L&D. Then, they're about to wheel me into room #4 when I say something about how I keep ending up in that room! In fact, it's where I was when I was in labor with Natalie and it's where I had been just a couple of weeks ago when I got sent up to L&D to check on the baby because her heartrate was just a little high. So, instead of taking me to room #4, we go into room #2 and he wheels me in saying excitedly, "She's having contractions 1 minute apart!" Brenda leaves, going with the orderly to get back to her car since she had been called to another birth and Tami stayed (she had caught up with us by then). I get out of the wheel chair and into the bathroom where I get changed into a gown. By now, it's past 5am.

I get settled and then it's time to start dealing with the fun stuff. Bleh. They're asking me questions, half I don't even remember now but some of them were just stupid like whether I was taking prenatal vitamins. Someone comes in to take my blood (the vampires have to get in before daylight, you know!) and the nurse decides that I need to be tested to determine if the fluids leaking are in fact from the amniotic sac. This meant lying on my BACK! Did I mention that it HURT to lie on my back, especially during a contraction? It was not fun having to lie on my back a FULL MINUTE for this stupid test. Then, they want to do a vaginal exam. That I should have declined but I was kind of focusing on other things so wasn't really thinking at that point. A resident comes in and he checks and then the nurse checks and they stand and talk for a moment to come to a consensus and finally they decree, "5 cm!" Um, WHAT?! I was at an 8 when I left the house! Tami mentioned later that she had forgotten to warn me about this, that other people may not come to the same conclusion as to how far along I was. Then comes the fun part. I have to get an IV. I HATE IVs. I got one with Natalie and it was worse than the stupid contractions! I did not want one.

"The doctor won't even work with you if you don't get one," the nurse tells us. I should have called her bluff but again, wasn't quite thinking of that at that point. I was sort of like fine, just get it over with but do it right! Unfortunately, the nurse I had did not do it right. She tries my right hand and blows the vein. Great. Not only did it hurt like heck but now, I'm bleeding all over the place and she has to do it again. So then she tries my left arm. And AGAIN, blows the vein. Um...okay, you want me to have an IV but you can't get it in? The OB comes in at that point with the resident doctor and the first nurse and starts giving me this whole spiel on how I'm such a high risk patient and that normally they would recommend that I just have a repeat cesarean and blah blah blah blah blah. I end up signing yet ANOTHER form saying that I will not hold anyone responsible if something were to happen in my attempt at a vaginal birth and my baby ends up harmed or killed in the process (or something to that effect). The OB leaves the room. The anesthesiologist comes in. Thank goodness it's the one I had spoken to just a couple of weeks ago. She's really nice and she had been great answering all of my questions for me. I asked her what was in the IV and she told me that it was just nutrients and stuff like that. She gave me a numbing shot in my hand, waited a minute or so, and then put the IV in and that time it took and it didn't hurt at all! Now, why can't they just use an anesthesiologist in the first place instead of a nurse?!

Then she leaves and the first nurse is trying to monitor the baby. I refuse to go on the bed because I did not want to lie down. I sat in the large comfy chair that was in the room but I try not to lean back much because, again, it hurt. Trying to use a belt on me was impossible so she had to hold the monitor to my belly. I try to cooperate as best as I can but also try to remain as comfortable as possible during the contractions. Tami had grabbed some of my stuff including the massage oil and she had put some on my back after asking me if that was what I wanted. When I wasn't getting checked for something, I would tell her to rub my back whenever I had a contraction. I was almost demanding about it too! A contraction would hit and I would say, "Rub!" I guess that's kind of one of those signs of intense labor, the laboring woman doesn't say "please", lol. Still, other than a number of "Oh l---!" and maybe some "OM-", I really didn't do much swearing, if any. I think I was kind of shy about that or either that or I really do just swear when I'm angry. lol

I was kind of worried because it had seemed like the contractions backed down a little. They didn't seem to be quite on top of each other as they were before I left the house. I also sort of entered a quiet stage, I seemed to be more focused inwardly or something. It's hard to describe. Even though I was at the hospital though, the thought of drugs didn't really enter my mind, even when I was told I was only at 5 cm. I was glad to be clear headed and it was definitely much easier to deal with the pain NOT being under any drugs, even IV meds. Fortunately, no one said a thing about drugs or even suggested them and I kept getting through the labor one contraction at a time.

Not long after that, I had this urge (WARNING: TMI) to poop. It was a very strong urge so I went into the bathroom and I tried to go but it was like having the WORST case of constipation EVER. I could not poop. Not at all. But I was feeling the urge so I was pushing, trying to poop. I had also been pushing a little here and there during the labor as I felt the urge to. Nothing major but just bearing down a little here and there. This urge started to get stronger but sometimes, if I did bear down too much, it would sting a little so I would stop. But the urge kept getting stronger. Around 7, there was a shift change and I got two of the SWEETEST nurses EVER. They were GREAT. They encouraged me to lean on them and just gave me some great support. Tami was there giving me support too and it was just the four of us women in there. I was still getting the urge to poop and getting very restless because of it. I wasn't really feeling any back pain anymore just this incredibly insane urge to poop! I ask to be checked and one of the nurses checks me and tells me I'm at 8 cm. I tell them I feel like I have to push and the nurse tells me not to but I really could not hold back so I keep bearing down kind of during the contractions (having read a number of articles talking about the wisdom in listening to our body when it says to PUSH!). At one point, and I have NO IDEA why I did not think of this before, I squat down next to the bed because it just seemed like a good thing to do. lol I think by this time, I was going mostly on instinct or something. I tell them to check me again because it feels like the baby is going to come out! One of the nurses checks me while I'm squatting and tells me that I'm complete! Tami's all excited, saying, "You can push now!"

So, I'm thinking, okay, I'll push right here! lol And I sort of tell them that and the nurses are like, "Oh no no, you have to get in bed!" Aww man! So, I get up into the bed, and I mean, really, she feels like she's very close to coming out, like I don't even have to push and she's going to come out any moment now but I get into the bed, on hands and knees, butt towards the bottom of the bed. People are rushing in, the OB (who I am sure is surprised that I'm already ready to push) is telling me what position to be in! You have got to be kidding me! I have to get OFF the bed?! I had to get off the bed, go to the side of the bed, get back in and scoot down with my butt at the bottom of the bed before I can push! FINALLY, he says push and I'm like OK! I push with everything I have but pull back a little when I feel some stinging then push even more. I felt a head passing through, then a shoulder, and then this very weird slippery feeling as the rest of her body passes through and Isabelle makes her grand appearance!

"You did it!" Tami says and I sit there in shock as I realize that I just gave birth vaginally, an experience that I did not get to have when I had Natalie just four and a half years before. It was the most amazing thing in the world and I had never felt so empowered in my life. I have a baby! It was simply amazing! And with that feeling came a high like I had never felt before.

Isabelle had some out a little on the slimy side. Unbeknown to us, she had passed meconium and was COVERED in it, and I mean covered, she was GREEN. lol But she was healthy and crying and had a full head of hair just like her sister did. I was still kind of in shock due to everything happening so quickly so I didn't think to demand that she be handed to me instead of her being taken over to the warmer to be suctioned out and stuff. In the meantime, the OB was waiting for the placenta to be ready to come out and when it was, he told me to push again, and it came out quickly and easily. He sort of tossed it into a pan and that was that but I was just kind of absorbing everything and still getting used to the idea that I had a baby. He had to stitch me up as I had a second degree tear so he did that and there was a short time there where we were separated but it wasn't too long before they brought her over to me and I was able to look down at this precious little bundle. It took me a few minutes more before I thought to nurse her and the nurses helped me get situated so I could do that. She latched on and nursed like a champ. The wishes I had in my birth plan regarding the Vitamin K shot, the Hep B shot, and the eye drops were respected, I just had to sign a waiver which they gave to me right there to sign. Eventually everything got done and everyone left and that's when I remember that I never did get the computer set up and online so that John could watch the birth so I got that set up and I also started making phones calls to let everyone know that Isabelle had arrived.

And yes, believe it or not, that IS the short version. lol I'm sure I have already forgotten things and left things out but I did the best I could remembering everything that happened in those three days. I have no doubt at all that I would not have been able to do this if I had not had the wonderful labor support I did. Tami especially was amazing waking up for me in the middle of the night, three nights in a row, boiling water and bringing the pots down the stairs to the rec room, making sure I ate and drank, and in general, being very supportive and encouraging when I needed it most. Brenda was great as well and I totally appreciated the time she took to come up and be with me as a labor support and to help me stay at home as long as possible. I wish everything had come together for a homebirth but this was the second best scenario and it as well as it could go considering everything I had to go against (including massive weight biases). I had gone through SO much on this journey and learned a lot about myself along the way. I'm confident now that if I do become pregnant again, I can find a way to have the birth I want to have and that what I need to have a successful birth is a good support team. That is what EVERY woman should have.

And of course, it wouldn't be a birth story without a picture:


This was taken the day we went home from the hospital when she was two days old.