Feeling sad today...

...not to mention a little shocked and dismayed. I was searching for one of my old teachers with the hope of contacting her only to find her obituary. She was my science (and computers) teacher back when I was at Aquinas Middle School. She died back in February at the age of 63. She was one of those who was in really good health and was a runner and only a couple of years older than my mom, not even. I have SO many regrets because I had, for the longest time, wanted to contact her and talk to her, especially after everything happened in my family just over five years ago. Something always stopped me though, I don't know what. I guess it just never felt right, especially as I tended to get into trouble for hanging around the teachers too much in school anyway. But still, there was SO much I wanted to share with her and I wanted her to meet John and Natalie and just let her know what was going on. I had hoped to do that when I was up in La Crosse again so thought I would try to find her or at least an email address. Now, it will be her grave I visit. I'm just shocked, so very shocked. There was any mention of how she died other than it happened at her home so I'm guessing in her sleep? But at 63? John's 44, that's less than 20 years away for him.

It has me even more worried for my mom, my mom whom I still have not seen in person for over four years now and probably won't get to see before I go to South Korea. If my former teacher, who appeared very healthy the last time I saw her, died so young, what hope does my mother; who has had diabetes now for almost 20 years, has some heart issues, and has had cancer kill off both her mother and her grandmother before the age of 70; have? I will be gone about two years, maybe more and the one thing I fear the most will be the phone call or email telling me she's gone. It's one of the things that really has me concerned about leaving, this fear that she'll be gone before I come back.

This certainly isn't helping the already negative feelings I'm feeling right now about everything. John's job has, at the moment, fallen through. We're still hoping that everything can be fixed but it is very possible that it will not and that John will have to seek another position which will be difficult because he no longer has any documents and he had originally planned to be leaving around the 22nd. Everything is coming up here at the last minute and therefore, there has been a TON of stress, at least for me. John never does seem to feel any stress. His last day of work for the hotel is the 7th. He's off the night of the 8th because it is a Holy Day and then that's it. He won't be working after that. The lease here ends the 31st at 11am and then we're supposed to be out of here. I don't know what to think at this point. Admittedly, it's a misunderstanding due to his stupid driving record (I swear, when we come back I am going to either learn to drive or we're going to live somewhere with public transpo so that he doesn't drive!) so hopefully it will be cleared up but at the same time...life has taught me not to be optimistic about ANYTHING. My therapist likes to say it is distorted thinking, I like to think that it is protection from the constant disappointment life gives me.

No, I will admit, I do not have much faith. Having faith, hope, optimism leaves me disappointed. Assuming that things will be the same as when I left them will end up leaving me sad and thus, it is just better to constantly prepare for the worst because it is when I don't that life hurts me. Like finding out about my teacher today. And, to be honest, this is not the first time this has happened. I was searching for another teacher not long ago, one from college when I found HIS obituary. And he wasn't much older than John! If he was even older than him, can't remember now. He had died of cancer. Hmm, maybe I better stop looking up my old teachers. I'd rather not find anymore obituaries. Bad enough that most of the ones I knew in high school have retired (may I mention that I graduated less than 10 years ago?) including all the ones who used to (nicely) pick on me? I had one of those last names that just begged to be pick on. But I knew it was all in fun too and had no problems with it. That was how it was for me, I was very close to many of my teachers and they meant a lot to me.

It's just a reminder that everything in my life is changing so much. It's true what they say, you can't go back. I've learned this time and time again: when I went back to my old elementary school, when I went back to the farm, and now even going back to La Crosse, things have changed, things are different. No wonder John doesn't stay attached to memories or to the past, it's easier for him, I suppose, to be rootless in life, to be able to pick up and just move on whereas, for someone like me with roots, being uprooted and transplanted is traumatic and causes irreparable harm. I don't really know how I can change to become someone who isn't so attached to things and places and people. Goodness knows, it's been hard enough just to give away the things I have and I still cling to things that are important to me. I have two stuffed toys that are close to 20 years old. One of them is over 20 years old, a little pink mouse that I got just after our house burned to the ground. Another is a little stuffed dog that I got for my 8th birthday. I got him at my birthday party which was October 15th back in 1988, almost 20 years ago.

It seems almost appropriate that all of these feelings are coming up to be dealt with now, with my 28th birthday coming up on the 11th. For some reason, the birthday blues seem to come more frequently now. I had felt that turning 27 was this HUGE milestone and for some reason could never really think BEYOND the age of 27, almost like I wasn't going to live to see 28. I don't know. Now, turning 28 seems even worse! With 28, I'm now thinking about being 30 and for some reason, turning 30 really scares me. Very odd. I can remember how I could NOT WAIT to turn 18, that 18 seemed to be a turning point in my life, a good one. And then 21 was another big step forward but one that was anticipated. How did it get from that to dreading 28 seven years later? And when you consider that John is a full 16 years older, it's a wonder I don't freak out about those ages but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that he does not appear very old at all. Most people are VERY surprised to hear he's over 30. Great. I wonder if that means that someday he'll look YOUNGER than me. I hope not. Because that would just be SO WRONG.

*sigh* The weather, I must say, definitely is not helping my mood. Maybe I should play Carpenter's "Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down".

Well, better get some more coffee down and then it's off to do laundry. We have a good 4 or 5 loads to do today and then hopefully I'll get some time in later to do some scrapbooking. I haven't done any in a LOOOOOONG time.

Hopefully things will turn around soon. I don't think I'll have enough chocolate on hand (or alcohol for that matter) if they don't.