Is it really that much better?

Is it really that much better for me to stay at home when we're making so little money we need help from the government and even that's not enough? Is it really that much better when we live in an apartment that is getting bugs and the landlord is nothing but a slumlord and we can't move because we can't get enough money together for the first and last month rent? Is it really that much better for me to stay home when we can't afford a car and we have to take the bus everywhere and during the warmer months, my husband doesn't even do that because it's an extra $35 a month? Is it really that much better for me to stay home when I'm so angry and depressed and near suicidal because we're almost always broke and we can't get anyone to help and insane with jealousy towards those who seem to have their lives together because they can at least get their tax return and their students loans and we can't even get that and I'm angry because they're posting on Facebook about how they're getting all of this stuff with their money and they can't even pay me back the $300 they owe me from the time I bailed THEM out when THEY didn't have money and needed help?

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of making decisions that aren't the right ones. I'm tired of helping people who then put me into a situation I can't get out of. I never wanted to live in this apartment. I hated it the moment I saw it but I got it because this person needed my help, she was getting kicked out and she and her kids needed a place to live but when my husband came home a month later, she didn't want to be here anymore and moved right back to the place she got kicked out of, never even paying all of the rent she was supposed to. We're paying almost half what my husband makes a month on this place and it's a dump. And I'm just so tired of feeling like the biggest loser in the world. I'm so tired of not being able to provide for my children. I'm so tired of making enough to just make ends meet and no more. I haven't worked in almost seven years. I haven't been to school in that long. I feel useless and worse, sometimes I feel stupid. I feel completely and totally inept as a mother and a housewife. And days like today sometimes makes me wish I had died on that day in June of 2003. Days like today makes me wish I had not lived to experience all of the pain I experience. I have no village. I have no means of support outside the tiny little family I have and I hate it. I honestly feel that if I died, no one would even care. No one would even miss me. I just feel so lost and so helpless and hopeless. Being a parent is supposed to be the best thing. Being married is supposed to be so wonderful. I keep thinking sometimes that I wish I had done neither. At least alone I would have more options. At least alone I wouldn't feel so damn helpless.

I don't always feel this way. For some reason, today I feel like this. Today I feel such a sense of despair and hopelessness and loneliness I wish I could just die and get it over with because it hurts so much. I know there are people out there who would say I should appreciate what I have, appreciate my family, blah blah blah. Hell, my husband tells me this. Please, don't. If you haven't been there, you don't know what it's like. If you haven't been there, you haven't experienced the honest to goodness physical pain this brings, the chest crushing pain that is so bad, you can't even breathe. If you haven't felt this, please please please do not tell me I need to be more positive and appreciate what I have. It won't help. It will just make me feel more lost and alone.