I was really hoping things were turning around.

But nope, they weren't. It's just me being stupid again. I had decided that I was, no matter what, going to celebrate the holidays. I was going to take the girls trick-or-treating and I did (and their dad STILL does not know I took them) and I was going to celebrate Christmas. He had actually been pretty laid back about the whole Christmas thing, keeping fairly mum on it all and I was thinking that while he wasn't going to join in, he was AT LEAST going to respect MY beliefs for once. UGH! How stupid can I be?! I should have realized something was up when he wasn't sleeping in our room at night. For the longest time we had been sleeping in separate rooms and we finally got them switched around so that the larger bed was just for us to sleep in and the girls shared their own room. Before, I was sleeping in our daughter's room on her bed and she slept in the larger room with her dad and sister. And I figured this way they would have the larger room for their toys and stuff and my husband and I would have a place to sleep together. But lately, he had been falling asleep in the room with the girls and not coming to bed. Intimacy was declining again. And now, he's back to telling me how defiant and rebellious I am. For crying out loud, it's CHRISTMAS. I'm not sleeping around on him. I'm not going out and drinking with strange men or being gone all hours of the night. He's calling me this because I went out with my sister last night to WALMART and bought CHRISTMAS presents for my oldest daughter who had a birthday two days after Christmas anyway! Seriously! I got THREE gifts that cost me less than $25. I got my younger daughter TWO gifts for about the same amount. I bought some gift wrapping stuff and things like that and because it's against HIS beliefs, because HE believes that HE will be thrown into the Lake of Fire for believing it, I am the one who is rebelling and being defiant. All I want to do is buy some presents for my kids, wrap them, and give the presents to them on Christmas Day. That's it. I have a small tree in my office. I did not buy any lights. I ended up not doing the Secret Santa thing I was part of because I ended up leaving the group I was in. The only decoration outside of my office are snowflake decals on the window that my older daughter put up. THAT IS IT. Oh and I mailed Christmas cards out. But to hear you, you'd think I was like the people down the street with the HUGE holiday display outside of their house or the people whose house I pass on the bus with all of the lights! I haven't even taken the kids to see Santa Claus (though after this, I think I just might, may as well be as rebellious as possible!).

I want to bang my head on a wall. I have tried and tried and tried and tried to make this work. I REALLY tried to give up Christmas. It was HARD. It was PAINFUL. It was DEPRESSING. I HATED IT. I HATED people who celebrated Christmas. I was becoming a Grinch about it all, seriously. I did not like myself. I did not like having to be isolated from everyone for a good four months because I didn't celebrate any of the holidays from Halloween on except for Thanksgiving. I have done SO MUCH for him and tried SO HARD to respect his beliefs only to have him ignore me and take me for granted anyway. It didn't seem to matter that I was making HUGE sacrifices for him. It was just expected because I was married to him never mind he lied to me about his beliefs to begin with.

I don't believe what he believes. It would make life (and for sure our marriage!) easier if I did but I don't. I just wish he would realize that and realize that all the crap he does just makes our marriage more unbearable for me.