Feeling more lost and confused than ever.

I called over to the hospital the other day and talked to someone in the women's health department, specifically someone who is supposed to be part of the domestic violence part of this department. To be honest, I don't feel like I got a lot of good answers and if anything, I couldn't help but feel she was telling me that I'm pretty much stuck until I get a job and make enough money to move out (unless I have someone I can move in with) because my husband isn't beating me.

At the same time, I have nearly everyone else I've talked to telling me I need to get the f out NOW. Well, that would be great if I had somewhere to go! I can't go by myself, one because I don't want to abandon my children and two because I would be a failure of a mother if I abandoned my children. My one older sister tells me I can come live with her. Yeah, thing is is she's in another state and from what I'm hearing, I can't even go more than 150 miles with my kids (you know, I really have to wonder if there are economics because this stupid law and just who the f came up with such a STUPID law in the first place?!) for more than 90 days. I was told by a therapist that I could be ordered back to this state with the kids so first of all, that's going to mess them up, being in a place only to have to return here and second of all, that doesn't help me with my where the heck I'm going to go because I'll be right back where I started! And I'm sure my husband would get a HUGE kick out of that. Plus, if I have to be ordered back here, that could possibly jeopardize my getting custody. I have another older sister who suggest I just do whatever I want and not listen to what he says anymore and not do the things he wants me to do. This has everyone else concerned that he'll either try to kidnap at least our older daughter or retaliate violently.

Would someone please tell me what I can actually do?!

He called last night, starts mentioning that he probably has been in the wrong with how he's been treating me and how he probably did not plan his trip out very well (okay, who are you and what did you do with my husband?). Then it goes from there to he might be home early, doesn't really give me a full reason why just mentions something to the effects that there's been a difference of opinion and from what I got from the little he says, I think it's that he doesn't really approve of the church's teachings. This doesn't entirely surprise me, after all, the whole no shaving thing is not something the church he attends to follow. In fact, even his best friend who has left not only the church my husband has been going to but several other of the offshoots, STILL shaves so it seems to me like John may be leaving the whole Armstrong offshoots behind period. Hard to say but it's still a step in the wrong direction because he's keeping himself a prisoner of the law following these laws, he doesn't get at all that the laws no longer need to be followed but that's a discussion for another day, to be honest. So I really don't know when he will be home, could be any day now, just hoping that this whole thing doesn't totally screw up our finances because if it does, there's going to be some massive problems. Unfortunately, I think I'm just going to have to make some more phone calls, maybe even go and see someone in person because I really do not know what else to do. And I guess I'm just going to have to print off some of the stuff with the bank accounts and find out just what my options are and ask a lot of questions including what exactly can happen if I did decide to leave and go to my sister's.

At this point, I still really have no desire to stay with him. The religion is a huge problem and not one that's going to be fixed overnight, especially when he is SO disrespectful towards anyone who follows beliefs outside of his. Not to mention that our relationship has deteriorated so much, it's going to take a lot of work to get it back on track and it's not work I'm willing to do unless he makes some HUGE changes and they're changes he's not very likely willing to make (especially when he keeps saying that my asking for certain changes in order for me to stay is being manipulative). We continue to be at an impasse. And I don't see that changing ever.