Weight and health and all that stuff...

Last Monday was kind of an interesting day for me. I woke up with what I thought were gas pains and about 12 hours later, I'm getting wheeled in to the OR to have my gall bladder removed. It definitely was not on my list of things to do and having my husband home for a week in order to recover (laproscopic surgery is definitely easier to recover from than traditional surgery!) while nice is not going to do our paychecks any good. Still, I had sort of expected that day to come. About 10 years or so ago, I had a kidney stone and when an ultrasound was done to find it, they found a stone in my gall bladder. My parents both had had theirs removed by the time they were in their early 40's and one of my older sisters had had hers removed at the age of 22 so I figured it was just a matter of time. Then, a month or so ago, I started getting pains in my right side here and there. It wasn't excruciating but it was noticeable. I figured that time was getting closer to having surgery. I made an appointment for a physical but couldn't get in until the end of next month. The gall bladder decided not to wait.

Naturally, when a part of your body fails and you find yourself in medical need, the first question that comes to mind is "what else is going to decide to go?" I did mention to my husband before going down to surgery if this was going to be the start of medical issues for me. Unfortunately, he decided to share that with a friend of his, a friend who is very judgmental about a lot of the things I do and on my weight. He made some comments to my husband I found very offensive including one comment where he basically says he doesn't understand how I can eat myself to illness and possibly even death. Thing is, other than on Skype, he hasn't seen me in over 5 years. He hasn't watched me eat. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know my history and he doesn't know my family medical history. He is making assumptions based on my weight and the very very few times he saw me, one of those times being when I was pregnant. He doesn't know the times when I was on diets trying to lose the weight and going to the gym to exercise. He doesn't know of all the weight loss books and exercise videos I have purchased over the years. He doesn't know how much I have fantasized about being thin and being accepted by people. He doesn't know how I have avoided people just because of the shame I have felt about my weight and how avoiding on person in particular because I feared her being disappointed me meant I never saw her again because she DIED from a brain tumor even though she was healthy, ate well, and was a runner. He doesn't know how often I have avoided being in pictures and having pictures taken of me because of my own feelings towards myself because of my weight and how I struggle with those feelings every day. And those feelings of inadequacy leads more to depression than to feeling motivated towards taking care of myself. Those feelings of inadequacy tends to more likely lead me to food than to exercise.

It hurt and angered me and it angered me even more that not only did he make a comment like that (among others) but then he goes on to say that he's glad my daughter is active and so far not picking up my inactive tendencies. She's FIVE! I was active too at that age! I had a 10 acre farm to run around on and was outside nearly every single day! I didn't really start to become inactive until my teens when my options for sports dried up because I wasn't good enough to get on any of the teams. And that was just the start. I'm glad she at least has a dad who is very active because she'll have someone to motivate her and be active with. I didn't have that. I didn't have parents who really were watching what they ate and us in turn. I spent a couple of years primarily under the care of my older brother who ate mostly hamburger helper while my mom attended school 50 miles away and those were the nights he was at home. Other nights I had to make my own dinner, a microwavable meal. I'm sure there were better options but my mom certainly didn't seek them out, not when our food budget was likely very limited (and ours is too but I try hard to buy food that is better than what I was fed as a child).

I won't deny that there were things I did after I moved out that didn't help with the weight and definitely encouraged the weight to go up at an alarming level. College food was not a good thing for me. I wish I could go back and make better choices knowing what I know now. It's definitely much easier to put the weight on than it is to take it off, that's for sure. And I've tried and I've failed and in failing, put even more weight on.

I won't deny though that there are things I can do now to improve my health and those are the things I need to work on, as hard as that is. Having had surgery has been a little bit of a push in the right direction. I have to be at least a little more mindful of what I eat as eating too much of the wrong thing can wreak havoc on my body. Exercise though is always a challenge. It's a challenge to find something I enjoy enough to do continuously. It's a challenge to find something I can do all year around (sorry, it gets below 0 around here, as low as -20 and more during the DAY and that's without windchill being factored in). It's very easy for me to get out of shape which is something that GREATLY frustrates me because it takes FOREVER for me to get into better shape. And so yes, exercise has been a source of frustration for me even though I know that it would greatly improve how I feel on many levels. Just doesn't help that I also struggle with depression and days I don't even want to get out of bed and function much less go and exercise.

Some people are able to just go out there and do it and do it no matter what the temperature, how they feel, etc. Some people are able to eat certain foods and ONLY those foods without being tempted to eat anything else. People call that will power and some do have a very strong will power. Others need a little more motivation and I definitely fall under the latter. I find I need a lot of support, encouragement, and (shall I say?) a sense that someone actually gives a damn. I find I need to be rewarded in some way or I lose that motivation. Getting into the habit is hard and finding the reason to get into the habit, I think, harder still, at least for me and especially when I have issues with depression.

Some people would say I'm just making excuses but unless you have been in my shoes, I don't think you have the right to judge. If weight isn't an issue for you, doubly so. It's one of those areas I've struggled with for a long time and I will probably continue to struggle in this area awhile longer. I don't think it's ever going to come easily for me though I have made some positive changes in the last ten years I think are important, especially since having children. In another ten years, I hope to make more positive changes. Nothing happens overnight though and I will probably always have a vice or two that threatens to trip me up, just like everyone else does. Till then, I guess I'll just keep working at it as best as I can.