Friedrich Nietzsche
Religion is kind of a difficult subject for me. To be honest, it has been for a long time. It started before I met my husband and marrying him and being exposed to his religion hasn't helped. This video sort of echoes how I feel about religion in general:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RviMdf7gng4&NR=1
The biggest issue I have with religion is the use of fear to get people to follow a bunch of inane rules that go above and beyond the basics, nit picky rules that set them apart from everyone else. It's one thing to follow rules that help you avoid hurting others. It's another to follow rules that are so outside the mainstream, it literally disrupts your life and your relationship with others. And this brings me to my second biggest issue, when following rules that set you drastically apart from others gives you a sense of superiority over those who do not follow the same rules you do. My issue is in seeing people almost sneer at those who do things differently because they have different beliefs. It can be seen in general in a Christian vs atheist situation but it can manifest itself among Christian religions too. I've seen it and I hate it and it turns me off of many Christians. The judging of and disrespect towards those with other beliefs drives me crazy and it is as far away from being a Christian as you can possibly get.
On the other hand, I have seen the opposite. I have seen Christians who try very hard and very humbly to act as much like Christ as possible. They don't judge. They're very open minded even when beliefs totally outside their own are brought up. They do all they can for their neighbors. They WANT to help others and feel that being a Christian is all about helping others and showing love towards others. They are supportive and help those who are struggling with spiritual matters. They are positive. They're not perfect and they're willing to admit it.
I know two couples. One couple shares the same beliefs my husband does. I'll admit, I don't know them all that well and I've only been at their house a few times but the times I have been there, it's been very tense. I have felt that my behavior was being scrutinized and I would be judged on the things I did (and I was and later on also judged even for the books I owned when the husband helped my husband move our things one time). I was made to feel that I was a long way from being where they were at. They would make comments about people and their beliefs and even their weight often acting as if they were superior because they held beliefs that they felt were THE beliefs and those who didn't hold those beliefs were inferior. It was very hard to be around them. They were very stingy with help, acting resentful and using that as another means of feeling superior. THEY didn't need help so others should get their act together too and if they were doing what they were supposed to do, they wouldn't need help anyway. Their children are limited as far as who they can be with and spend time with due to concerns of influence.
Another couple I have been very blessed to know. I met the wife online in a group and we met a few times in person over the next 4 years. When I returned from South Korea, I spent the first two weeks in a hotel while I figured out my living situation until I had the baby and my husband and daughter returned to the US. When this friend found out, she talked to her husband and they both offered me a place to stay for the summer. She helped me find a midwife and drove me to the appointments even though she was over an hour away. When I struggled with making decisions, she would talk to me. She and her husband were very devout in their beliefs but it was never pushed on me though offered if I was interested in joining. She helped me out as much as she could even giving me things for my apartment when I moved out and things for the baby. She was my doula for the birth and was absolutely wonderful with her support. I am in awe of her and her husband's generosity. Members of their church were very helpful to me as well (unlike my husband's church that barely even acknowledged I was home much less offered a helping hand in anyway). Even if they hadn't given me as much as they did, the fact that they opened their home up to me, someone they barely knew, is a testament of how loving and giving they are. They're both in school now, preparing for a life in the church, preparing to give even more of themselves to others and I'm just absolutely amazed by them. They are examples to uphold. They are good and moral and kind and decent and for sure deserve to be a part of the kingdom of Heaven (if there is one). If the world were full of people like them, it would be a peaceful world. And no, they're not perfect because no one is but my time with them was probably the most peaceful time I experienced in my life and I will always be grateful for that.
But, to those like my husband and his friend, that's not enough. They are not following the "rules". They need to be following the Old Testament part of the Bible. They should not celebrate Christmas or Halloween. Those things are evil and pagan. And it makes me sad because my husband could really do well to have a friend like my friend's husband instead of the friend he currently has. It makes me sad that there is so much of a sense of fear behind what they do. They really struggle, I think, to enjoy THIS world because they are so afraid of losing out in the next world. They are afraid of the Lake of Fire and it is because of that fear that they totally forget the important thing, love. They may preach it and talk about it but they don't practice it. They don't practice love. It's all about control and making sure that the rules are being followed and making sure the kids are following the rules and are not being influenced to stray or rebel. It's all about fear and fear is what can make religion dangerous. When fear is the basis of a religion, when control is used, religion becomes dangerous.
I will not believe something because of fear. I will not follow some arbitrary rules because I'm afraid of hell or the Lake of Fire. If I do something, I want it to be because it is the right thing to do. I don't want to hurt others. I may not have many beliefs but there are things that are important to me. Unfortunately, much of what is important to me has been deemed unacceptable by my husband because of his beliefs. And he will not respect my beliefs though he demands respect of his. And that I have many issues with as well.
So religion continues to be a struggle for me. I do not believe what my husband believes. I tried and it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel right. It always felt like I was forcing myself to believe these things and to do these things and I couldn't stand behind those beliefs 100%. Anything outside of those beliefs though are not accepted here in my house. So I'm left adrift, not sure what I believe, not respected for any beliefs I do have, and feeling lost and alone because I don't really have anywhere I really belong because I don't belong here really with someone who so thoroughly rejects any beliefs I may have that are outside of his. And I'm not free to find a place I do belong. So it's been a hard road and a lonely road and a very lonely marriage and that is why I struggle so much with religion. It has always been at least somewhat of a struggle for me but it has gotten much worse over the years and sadly, I will probably never be able to really find myself spiritually until I leave my marriage. Sad that it will have to come to that but really, that seems to be the only option I have.
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