Still trying to figure everything out...

March hasn't exactly been an easy month. The end of February, John's job ended because the after school English program was terminated at the school he had been working at. So that meant that both he and his co-teachers were to be transferred to another school where another after school English program would be set up. Only, it didn't start until March 22. He was told he would get the time up to that off and at first, I was worried because I didn't know if he would be paid for that time or not and that would have been REALLY bad since we're trying to get enough money together for me to go home. He was reassured that he would be getting paid but then he was pulled in almost every day for busy work which he was NOT told about until the last minute. So that was really stressful especially since we're been trying to figure out how I could get to my prenatal appointments including my ultrasound.

March 4, I got news from my younger sister that her father-in-law from her first marriage has lung cancer. This is really bad news for all of us because he sort of unofficially adopted us all after his son was killed back in 2003. Since my parents are not in my life and John's parents are dead, he has become the only grandparent Natalie has. And now, he has lung cancer and has been told he has as little as two months to as long as two years to live. So, I've been trying to make plans to get back to Wisconsin as soon as possible which, with our money issues, has been VERY difficult to accomplish. I never really did hear back from anyone I had sent emails to which has been very frustrating so I don't know what's going to happen when I finally do get back, IF I even get back.

March 9th, we went in for the ultrasound. I had actually found another OB to do it because the one I had been seeing will not tell parents the sex of the baby before 36 weeks due to South Korea's ban on telling parents the sex. The reason for this ban is because parents are more likely to abort a girl than a boy even though abortions are illegal in Korea. I was also hoping that this OB would be more favorable towards doing a VBAC but nope, she wasn't. We did at least find out that we are having another GIRL! So that was one HUGE weight off of my shoulders since having a boy would mean having to decide whether to circ or not circ and while I'm on the fence about it, John is very much for them and it was just really stressing me out because so many people are against circumcisions this day and age. So we found that out and we're tentatively thinking of Isabel for a name (unless something better comes along). Still tossing around a few ideas for middle name too. I'm somewhat unsure about Isabel for a name though because, while I like it a lot, the problem is is that so do a lot of people. It's one of the more popular names out there. Well, Isabella is, Isabel is a little further down the list but when you factor in all the spellings and everything, it's up in the top ten for names and I'm not quite so sure how I feel about that. Then again, Natalie turned out to be a far more popular than I expected it to be going from 18% the year she was born to around 13% now. Why can't my name ever become popular?

Not much has happened since then, just a lot of stress trying to figure out how I'm going to get back to the US, where I'm going to live as far as an apartment, how I'm going to get all of this figured out over all. And the frustrating thing is just when it seems to all be coming together, something happens to completely and totally screw it up.

I'm still not insured. I was insured for about a week. We found out when we went in for the ultrasound that no, I was NOT on the insurance. Obviously I got kicked off of that when John's job changed. So we had to pay full price for the ultrasound which was around $70. Yes, I know that's cheap but when you're trying to save up money, it's not something that we can afford all the time, especially when in the US, it would have been free because we would have been eligible for medical assistance. So, since the ultrasound, I haven't been in to see the OB. The last time I saw him was back when I was 15 weeks and he didn't do anything because I refused the ultrasound. So, really, the last time a full appointment was done was back when I was 11 weeks. Great, huh? So, really, I'm not getting that great of prenatal care here, definitely not like I had when I was pregnant with Natalie. VERY frustrating. I really need to see a chiropractor and I haven't been able to do that because of the insurance issues. I'm in a TON of pain in my pelvis and in the back of my left leg. But, even if I did have insurance, the insurance will most likely NOT cover chiropractic care (again, another way that medical assistance in Wisconsin is better than the national health insurance here) and even if it did, the nearest place for me is likely going to be all the way in Seoul which is an hour or so away by bus/subway/both.

And now, we've reached the end of the month and one of the concerns I had came through. Since John started at a new job this month, I was concerned that he would not get paid because that's happened before when he started back in July. He didn't get paid for over a month and then he didn't get paid for the first couple of weeks. Well, he checked his account tonight and NOTHING. I was NOT happy. I immediately sent a text message to John's co-teacher and we finally heard back from her that while John would get paid for the three weeks BEFORE he started at the new school, he would not get the money for working at the new school until NEXT month. This was NOT what I wanted to hear because that means John only gets paid 2/3s of what he normally makes a month and, to top it off, this makes it ALL too easy for the school to decide to ONLY pay him for the month of April, especially since he NEVER gets anything that tells him what gets paid and what gets taken out for taxes and things. He just gets the money into his account. It's happened before, back in July when he first started working down here in Yongin. He never did get the week and a half that he was entitled to. A lot of the time, they explain it away by saying it was training and therefore, he's not entitled to it. It really has soured my feelings towards people here and it has really caused me to become very distrustful of the employers here because it has become VERY obvious that they care little for their employees that they bring in from other countries and just basically dump here. It has me VERY concerned about what is going to happen when July comes around. John is SUPPOSED to be getting a severance in July but based on what has happened so far, I'm not so inclined to believe that's going to happen. And even if it did, when would he get it? Technically, his contract doesn't end until July 21st. I'm due July 17th.

So, once again, we're trying to figure out how all of this is going to work and at times, I really start to think that it's not and that I'm going to end up having this baby here, very likely via cesarean, very likely unconscious. Either that or it's going to end up being a totally unassisted birth. I'm very unsure as how we're going to be able to afford everything when things are SO expensive here. There are three of us crammed into a one bedroom apartment with a teeny tiny bathroom that doesn't even have a separate shower but just a shower head attached to the bathroom sink (which means you have to use the WHOLE bathroom as the shower). How in the world are we going to fit a fourth person in here? Where am I going to get all of the things I need for a baby when everything is two-three times as much as they are in the US (and there are NO garage sales from which to buy things?). I feel SO overwhelmed and SO very depressed at times. I hate when people say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. It's a big fat LIE. Because He does, many many many times and has done so to me more times than is at all fair. Just ONCE, I would like things to go right. Just ONE STUPID LITTLE TIME. With everything I have gone through, I think I deserve that much. But no, things just keep going wrong and keep not falling into place and I'm really getting sick and tired of it all.

I had forgotten how it all felt, it's been so long.

More than four years since I was last pregnant and I had forgotten all about how it felt to feel those baby kicks all the time. It's like holding on to a secret that no one else knows about. The flutters, the thumps, the kicks to the bladder that make you feel like you're going to suddenly pee your pants. As much as having this baby sometimes scares me, I can't help but feel kind of reassured by the continuous kicks I feel throughout the day. He/she has his/her quiet moments but many times I sit/lie there quietly and feel and wonder at all the movement deep within my belly. That it started earlier than it did last time is nice too. It was after my ultrasound before I really started to feel Natalie's kicks. This one, I started feeling a good 3-4 weeks earlier. I'm 19 weeks and have been feeling them daily since 17 weeks and I was feeling them before that too.

Now if only I can get this whole thing figured out about WHERE I'm going to have the baby, I probably wouldn't be feeling so freaked out but that's taking it's time in getting figured out. I'm working on it though, sending emails to midwives in Wisconsin, Tennessee, and Delaware. Planning on sending some to a few midwives in Colorado as well. HOPEFULLY something pans out and I can start making plans in earnest to head back to the US.

I should at least update.

OB says I have like a 33% chance of getting a VBAC with him. He's worried about complications, he's worried that the baby will be too big to fit, blah blah blah. He can't even tell me if I can be awake if I end up with a cesarean. The weight bias is so bad here that some women can't even get an epidural, not even for a cesarean (and I'm talking over 200 pounds, not the weight I'm at which is higher than that).

We're really looking into trying to send me back to the US but ugh, the devil is in the details. I'm feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and just not very sure what to do.

I'm currently 18, almost 19 weeks along. Feeling lots of movement, even felt a thump OUTSIDE the belly today! Still feeling it in the area I was cut when I had the cesarean (along where the scar is on the outside). Really not sure what that means. But been feeling movement pretty much everyday for the last week or so.

Nausea has finally settled down, haven't been getting any heartburn yet, not really. I do still have bad days here and there. The exhaustion is not quite as bad and at least I'm able to stay up most of the day now so it looks like we're through the worst of it. Unfortunately, my mood swings are pretty bad. Also having a lot of back and leg pain but not letting it get to me. I just wish I could find a chiropractor who will take the national insurance here. Oh wait, I'm STILL not on the insurance even though John has been trying to get me on it for over a month.

We're supposed to be moving sometime around March 1st. John was transferred to another school as the school he's been teaching at has ended the English program. I have a hard time believing that the school coordinator is really going to get things done. It's the 18th and our visas all expire on the 27th. It's really getting down to the wire. So yeah, things are extremely frustrating here. I'm very stressed out.

That's pretty much it at the moment. Just trying to take it day by day the best I can but we're going to have to figure something out soon if I'm going to have a chance at all of getting a VBAC. To be honest, sometimes I think about just signing up for another cesarean. I just get so tired of fighting. But John doesn't want me to get one and I don't really want to get one (especially not here) but sometimes, I really don't think I'm going to be allowed the chance to get a VBAC either here or the US because of my weight and that's very depressing and I've really been down on myself because of my weight. My self-esteem is definitely in the toilet right now and I've been thinking a lot about getting gastric bypass at some point after all of this is done with. When the world only sees you according to how much you weigh, HOW you lose weight really doesn't matter, it's getting to that socially acceptable number that counts.

Forgot to mention, they were at least able to do my blood pressure the last time. They used the electronic one. I was kind of worried about my arm getting stuck or something but no problems there. Not sure why they didn't do it the first time. Also got on the scale and I'm down 3 pounds. It's very easy to lose weight when I'm pregnant, at least for the first two trimesters. It's the last one where I tend to gain. Not only is it easy for me to lose weight, it's also easy for me to not eat as much. Not only do I not eat for two, I barely eat for one, or rather, I barely eat as much as I was eating BEFORE I got pregnant. The atmosphere here and even some of the comments John has made (along with depression) has me not really wanting to eat much at all.

Next appointment which is supposed to be the BIG ULTRASOUND is March 9th. Not sure if I'm going to get to find out what I'm having though (especially if I go to this guy). He told me that he doesn't tell his patients what they're having before 36 weeks. There's kind of a ban here against telling parents the sex because so many parents go and abort girls even though abortion here is illegal. So, not sure what I'm going to do yet. May look into another OB for the ultrasound. There's one who is very close by and easy to get to and I may go to her for the prenatal stuff until I go back to the US. Not entirely sure though, just one more thing I need to look into.

I'm 15 weeks now and my second appointment is tomorrow.

With that, we may have to face a very important decision: stay and have this baby in Korea (and VERY possibly have to have another cesarean) or go back to the US to have the baby probably without John and maybe even without Natalie.

It's not a decision I'm wanting to make. Unfortunately, Koreans are EXTREMELY prejudiced against weight (and height too, I guess) and being oh at least twice the size as your average Korean woman, I'm fair game. It is VERY likely that my chance of having a VBAC here are slim and none (and slim's on vacation, my mom always liked to say). I can't have a homebirth because no midwife will touch me. It's not legal for a midwife to take on a woman with an unproven pelvis. And cesareans in South Korea are in the 40-50% rate, HIGHER than the US by quite a bit.

I won't lie. There are times I am really doggone sick and tired of fighting this and just want to sign up for another cesarean and be DONE WITH IT! Go in, get the baby cut out and get my tubes cut on top of it so that I NEVER have to worry about going through this EVER again! I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being so stressed out that I'm already having braxton hicks. I'm tired of not enjoying my pregnancy and not even doing any little baby tickers or anything because I keep hoping deep down that the pregnancy ends at some point so that I don't have to worry about this anymore. I'm tired of feeling angry and resentful and scared out of my mind. I'm just tired. I'm tired of my life always being one major hit after another after another and never getting a break. Even the things that are important to me I can't get a break on. THIS is important to me. This MATTERS to me and I can't get that. I don't have the choices I should have here and it's not fair. It just makes me SO ANGRY!

I don't know what's going to happen. The appointment is at 3pm tomorrow and one of the doulas I've been talking with will be going with me to talk to the doctor and we're going to see how he feels about me having a VBAC and what my chances of that happening with him are and if they are low, could he recommend someone who can give me a VBAC (besides the guy that will cost me $4000 and doesn't take our insurance). If not, our options are trying to come up with $4000 or so to pay for the one and only doctor who will likely give me a VBAC (that again, the insurance does NOT cover AT ALL) or I go home though personally, I wish we ALL could go home. Coming to this country has been the BIGGEST mistake I have EVER made in my life. If I NEVER hear the word Korea again for as long as I live, it won't be long enough.

We'll see what happens, I guess.

Well, I can't really deny it anymore...

...not that I could with the all day every day nausea but that's another story. I finally went in for an appointment today. John thought he had the day off so he scheduled an appointment for me at this one clinic that was recommended to me. Unfortunately, he found out that actually he did have to work but he just did one class today and took the rest of the day off to take me to my appointment since we really didn't know how to get to the place. So I went in and talked to the doctor and all that stuff and they did an ultrasound and there it was. At first we didn't see anything but then he found the little bean and we got to hear the heartbeat. We got a picture too which is weird since we didn't get a picture of Natalie until I was 18 weeks pregnant with her.

So yeah, I am definitely pregnant. I'm 10 weeks and 5 days along. I found out about 36 hours after I got to the US back in November. It's been a struggle dealing with the news and dealing with the fact that I will likely have to have the baby here unless I manage to find someone who can take me and Natalie in for three months until I have the baby in the US which I highly doubt. I wish I could say that seeing the doctor helped but with the language barrier and the fact that they have absolutely NO experience with plus sized women (they didn't have a blood pressure cuff big enough for my unfortunately large upper arms), I'm nervous. It didn't help that the peeing in the cup thing was just LOADS of fun. You see, some places in Korea do not have normal toilets. They have a toilet bowl in the floor that you have to sort of squat over and try to pee into (and somehow, at the same time, NOT pee on your clothes). I have tried VERY VERY hard to avoid these kinds of toilets and have managed to in the nine months I've been here (Natalie freaks out when she sees one and absolutely refuses to use them). Today, I had no choice but to not only pee into a cup but to do so while standing over this toilet bowl in the floor. I really don't know if I can do this here, I really don't. John and I had no intention to get pregnant and have the baby while we were still here. This was definitely not planned, a pull and pray that did not work this time around (though we THOUGHT we had pulled out in time).

I'm feeling very lost, very vulnerable, and just very overwhelmed and I really don't know what to do. And if that's not enough, I'm nauseous every single day from the time I get up until the time I go to bed and if anything, it's getting worse, not better (though I'm glad to see there was just ONE baby in there, I was beginning to think maybe I was having twins). The only thing I'm finding comforting about this is something I read that told me that bad nausea lead to a higher probability of girls over boys which is good, I'd rather have a girl because if we have a boy, John wants him circumcised and I don't even want to go there.

So, we'll see what happens. Next appointment is the end of January and hopefully they won't do so much this time around, it wasn't cheap!

As usual, my poor little blog gets neglected...

Vacation, while relaxing, has also been somewhat draining. Dealing with jet lag (among other things I'm not quite ready to get into just yet) has left me exhausted and looking to hit the sheets WELL before my normal night owl times. The friend I'm staying with has been dealing with her own problems due to an ex that I'm sure she had wanted to be done with before I arrived but unfortunately, is getting dragged into more and more as time goes by. As for me, surprising news has left me somewhat shocked and unsure what to think.

It's just a lot to take in and deal with, that's for sure and it definitely doesn't leave much time for blog writing. John has, for the moment, taken over my other blog since he is the one who is with Natalie at this time and so far, he's not doing too badly with it. We talk on the phone and online and quite a bit since there now seems to be a lot of things we need to figure out and decisions that we must make that will have an impact on us for quite some time. It just all makes me wish we could come home and angry that the economy here is still fragile and not improving very quickly.

Not much else going on at the moment though, just resting and enjoying what may be my last vacation for a very long time.

I made it to the US in one piece.

It was a pretty long trip and I was definitely exhausted by the time I got there. I don't sleep well on planes unfortunately. I'm enjoying my vacation so far though I ended up getting some news that have kind of put me into shock. I'm not quite ready to divulge what the news is quite yet but suffice to say, it was the LAST thing I expected to happen at this time. I'm dealing with a lot of emotions due to that. I'm trying to not think too much about it though since anything can happen in the next several weeks and just try to enjoy the time I have here since it may be the last time I'm able to visit for a long time.

I'm happy to be back though. I really missed being here and it's nice to have space for me and a place to put all of my stuff. The bed is nice and soft and very comfortable to sleep in. I bought a coffee pot and some coffee and I'm looking forward to making a pot of that. I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving. I just wish I wasn't so worried about the future but I am right now. That's the only bad side to everything, that and the fact that my appetite is down quite a bit. I'm still hoping everything will fall into place though, just didn't expect the news I got, that's for sure.