It's always somewhere in the back of my mind. It may not be something I'm thinking about right at the very moment but it is and always will be one of those life-defining events. There's no doubt whatsoever that life as I knew it changed drastically and irrevocably due to that event and that other lives were drastically changed as well. There will always be life as I remember it "before the murder" and life as I know it and have known it now almost ten years.
And yet, in many ways, it doesn't feel like it's been ten years. There are so many emotions still there, still close enough to the surface that I can't recall the events that happened without becoming well, emotional about it all. Time has not passed on by enough that I can think back to that day without a great number of different feelings. It's why I haven't written a book and it's why I don't talk about it really unless something reminds me of it all. And it's also why I likely haven't filled out and sent in the visitor's form to go see my mom in prison knowing that this time it probably will be accepted.
Ten years...man, where has the time gone?
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
I'd like to think I've come a long way in the last year.
I will admit too that it's not something I have done entirely alone though I can't say it's been a higher power that has helped me. Two things I did in the beginning I think helped a lot. One, I left an online parenting forum that I felt was a negative influence in my life due to the constant competition among the parents in the forum. I did not find it to be a very supportive environment and it only got worse as time went on. I had been accused of playing the victim one time too many (far as I was concerned) and decided that enough was enough; I was done. So I left and it's been over a year since I last visited the site. I don't miss it at all. I had found some friends on there but found more people looking to stir up bad feelings and trouble and it just was not good for my mental health (and likely still is not which is why I haven't gone back). I instead returned to a forum I had gone back and forth with and picked and chose groups that fit me and I casually visit which makes it easier for me to keep an emotional distance. Later on, I was able to find some very good groups on Facebook and those are the ones I frequent most often.
Online groups are often not enough though. Local groups have been especially difficult for me to get into in the past but I finally found one that has been an excellent fit and better yet, one that stretches my intellectual muscles. I joined a local freethinker's group and that has been (tongue-in-cheek here) Spaghetti-Monster-sent. Through there, I have been introduced to such topics as evolution (something I'm trying to learn more about everyday because I find it SO fascinating), separation of church and state, religion, school vouchers, and much more. My world and horizons have been expanded and my thirst for knowledge increased many-fold. I have even attended a Unitarian Universal service. I find myself, really for the first time in a long time, not angry and negative about beliefs but positive about my quest to establish and confirm what I do believe. I may not believe in the god of the bible but that does not mean I have no beliefs at all. I'm constantly seeking to add to my personal belief and moral system and while that may differ from many who do believe in God, in many ways, they are the same. It's hard to explain.
I do not see myself as one of those "angry atheist" as many are stereotyped to be (not that they aren't out there but there are also some pretty angry Christians out there too). I am seeking and striving to figure out my place in the world and in the universe, trying to figure out what values are important to me. Not all of those values are taken from a book written almost 2000 years ago. Some may seem to fly in the face of what's in that book but then again, it is a book that has not evolved as much as human consciousness has.
It is interesting how finally figuring out that I didn't believe in God has lead to move positive changes in my life than trying to hold onto Christian beliefs has. But that has been MY experience and I don't expect it to be that way for everyone. One thing I seek to do is try and understand where others are coming from in their experiences and beliefs. There's a lot that comes into play when deciding our beliefs and it's a very personal thing indeed. I do grow frustrated with narrow-mindedness and the idea some have that EVERYONE has to believe what he/she believes because that is the ONLY belief there is. And I really hate it when religion gets involved in politics and affects education. Those, I will admit, are kind of my pet peeves. But beyond that, I know that for most people, religion is something that brings them comfort and would not want to take that away from them. I wish I could say it had done the same for me, but it never did, even when I was at my most fervent in my beliefs. But I am not without comfort. I merely find it in the tangible and in the wonders of our world and universe.
Online groups are often not enough though. Local groups have been especially difficult for me to get into in the past but I finally found one that has been an excellent fit and better yet, one that stretches my intellectual muscles. I joined a local freethinker's group and that has been (tongue-in-cheek here) Spaghetti-Monster-sent. Through there, I have been introduced to such topics as evolution (something I'm trying to learn more about everyday because I find it SO fascinating), separation of church and state, religion, school vouchers, and much more. My world and horizons have been expanded and my thirst for knowledge increased many-fold. I have even attended a Unitarian Universal service. I find myself, really for the first time in a long time, not angry and negative about beliefs but positive about my quest to establish and confirm what I do believe. I may not believe in the god of the bible but that does not mean I have no beliefs at all. I'm constantly seeking to add to my personal belief and moral system and while that may differ from many who do believe in God, in many ways, they are the same. It's hard to explain.
I do not see myself as one of those "angry atheist" as many are stereotyped to be (not that they aren't out there but there are also some pretty angry Christians out there too). I am seeking and striving to figure out my place in the world and in the universe, trying to figure out what values are important to me. Not all of those values are taken from a book written almost 2000 years ago. Some may seem to fly in the face of what's in that book but then again, it is a book that has not evolved as much as human consciousness has.
It is interesting how finally figuring out that I didn't believe in God has lead to move positive changes in my life than trying to hold onto Christian beliefs has. But that has been MY experience and I don't expect it to be that way for everyone. One thing I seek to do is try and understand where others are coming from in their experiences and beliefs. There's a lot that comes into play when deciding our beliefs and it's a very personal thing indeed. I do grow frustrated with narrow-mindedness and the idea some have that EVERYONE has to believe what he/she believes because that is the ONLY belief there is. And I really hate it when religion gets involved in politics and affects education. Those, I will admit, are kind of my pet peeves. But beyond that, I know that for most people, religion is something that brings them comfort and would not want to take that away from them. I wish I could say it had done the same for me, but it never did, even when I was at my most fervent in my beliefs. But I am not without comfort. I merely find it in the tangible and in the wonders of our world and universe.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
We're finally getting somewhere with the homeschooling!
We did the one month trial of Time4Learning and to be honest, I felt I hadn't given it a fair shot. I wanted to try it a little longer to see if we could get more out of it. I'm VERY glad I did. I went back, sort of stepped back to some of the earlier lessons, and gave it another go. Natalie is doing much better with it now. We're getting around 3 hours a day, four days a week with her studies. Plan is to continue through the summer and hopefully be done with all of the first grade stuff by the time September rolls around. Since there are a number of holy days in September, we will use that time for her to take her "summer" vacation before she starts second grade, probably in October. I'm looking to only really take a month off for summer. That month though will give me an idea as to whether I want to continue with Time4Learning or try something else. I will probably also start to figure out what Isabelle can do since she will be three at that time and can certainly start doing some things too. Obviously it won't be anywhere near as much as what Natalie is doing but it will be a start.
Days around here have been interesting though. Isabelle has entered that stage where she's into EVERYTHING and constantly getting into trouble. It's never a good sign when she comes into the bedroom and the first thing she says is, "Don't get made Mom!" NEVER a good sign because it means she's gotten into something she KNOWS she's not supposed to get into. One time it was the eggs in the fridge and she cracked one of them over the carpet in her sister's bedroom. Another time, she had taken the butter into her room and put a bunch of stuff in it. I tell you, this is the one that's going to make all my hair go white! She is just into trouble constantly!
She has her own room now. We made a switch with the bedrooms a couple of weeks ago. My office is now in the large bedroom with bedroom furniture. Isabelle got the room that used to be our bedroom and Natalie got the room that used to be my office. We're still trying to get everything organized and put away but it's getting there. Figured by the time we move out we'll have it all set. lol
Days around here have been interesting though. Isabelle has entered that stage where she's into EVERYTHING and constantly getting into trouble. It's never a good sign when she comes into the bedroom and the first thing she says is, "Don't get made Mom!" NEVER a good sign because it means she's gotten into something she KNOWS she's not supposed to get into. One time it was the eggs in the fridge and she cracked one of them over the carpet in her sister's bedroom. Another time, she had taken the butter into her room and put a bunch of stuff in it. I tell you, this is the one that's going to make all my hair go white! She is just into trouble constantly!
She has her own room now. We made a switch with the bedrooms a couple of weeks ago. My office is now in the large bedroom with bedroom furniture. Isabelle got the room that used to be our bedroom and Natalie got the room that used to be my office. We're still trying to get everything organized and put away but it's getting there. Figured by the time we move out we'll have it all set. lol
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Time4Learning Review
So, I had a chance this past month to review Time4Learning https://www.time4learning.com/. This is our first year of officially homeschooling. We first started with Connections Academy which didn't work out too well because of my first grader's reluctance to do her lessons and thus, falling behind. I withdrew her back in January and I've been trying to find things that motivate her ever since. I'm still trying to learn her learning styles, what excites her to learn, and things like that. She enjoys video games, plays her My Little Pony video games all the time and does enjoy the Brain Pop Jr. videos quite a bit. So, seeing this program, I wondered if it would be something that she would be interested in as well. The problem is is that being a single income family, finances are really tight currently and spending ANY extra money right now can be a bit of a hardship so I wanted something I knew would work before I put the money into it each month, even if it was low cost for each month. Therefore, I was very happy to get a chance to try this program out because I was really looking into using it but was still kind of unsure if it would be something that would excite and motivate my first grader.
Looking at it, I thought the math was very thorough and had pretty much everything that my daughter would be doing this year if she had remained with Connections. There wasn't much in the way of worksheets as it was mostly online. I really liked the fact that you could look a grade ahead or a grade back in order to go over things that your child might not be as well versed in even though she might be ahead in other areas of the same subject. So on that level, there really is a lot that can be done. The program also is fairly easy to get around for the student. You're mostly using the mouse and there's a back button and a home button to get to where you need to go. Students are shown where they are at in the section they are working on so they can just keep moving along without having to remember what they had already worked on. Parents can look at what their children worked on and be able to see how they did. Lessons can also be done and redone until the student understand the concept.
That said, my daughter wasn't quite as interested in it as I had hoped. I think part of that was because I was still trying to figure out where she was at in as far as the subjects we were working on (this was mainly the case with language arts) and part of it, again, the difficulty we're having with finding things to motivate her school work wise in general. The lessons were easy to get through time-wise but in our case, that was kind of an issue because she would want a break to follow and it wasn't always easy to get her back to work. Again, I feel this is more of a personal thing with our daughter than anything to do with the program. My two and a half year old was definitely interested only she can't use a mouse that well yet. The music though attracted her attention and if she was just a little older, I would most definitely look into it as something for her to use.
I like the program and it's something I would love to look into for my youngest and for my older daughter after spending more time figuring out where her grade level is for the various subjects. I think it would be a GREAT program to start with for a child who is not yet in school because you can start at the beginning and work your way up at your child's pace. I'm not saying that it can't be used for older grades, I just think it may be a little trickier to figure out what level to start with for an older child and may take more time in the beginning to do so.
So that's my review based on our current family and financial situation. It's kind of the first review I have written about something I've used for homeschool so please take that as well as the unique personality of our child into consideration.
Looking at it, I thought the math was very thorough and had pretty much everything that my daughter would be doing this year if she had remained with Connections. There wasn't much in the way of worksheets as it was mostly online. I really liked the fact that you could look a grade ahead or a grade back in order to go over things that your child might not be as well versed in even though she might be ahead in other areas of the same subject. So on that level, there really is a lot that can be done. The program also is fairly easy to get around for the student. You're mostly using the mouse and there's a back button and a home button to get to where you need to go. Students are shown where they are at in the section they are working on so they can just keep moving along without having to remember what they had already worked on. Parents can look at what their children worked on and be able to see how they did. Lessons can also be done and redone until the student understand the concept.
That said, my daughter wasn't quite as interested in it as I had hoped. I think part of that was because I was still trying to figure out where she was at in as far as the subjects we were working on (this was mainly the case with language arts) and part of it, again, the difficulty we're having with finding things to motivate her school work wise in general. The lessons were easy to get through time-wise but in our case, that was kind of an issue because she would want a break to follow and it wasn't always easy to get her back to work. Again, I feel this is more of a personal thing with our daughter than anything to do with the program. My two and a half year old was definitely interested only she can't use a mouse that well yet. The music though attracted her attention and if she was just a little older, I would most definitely look into it as something for her to use.
I like the program and it's something I would love to look into for my youngest and for my older daughter after spending more time figuring out where her grade level is for the various subjects. I think it would be a GREAT program to start with for a child who is not yet in school because you can start at the beginning and work your way up at your child's pace. I'm not saying that it can't be used for older grades, I just think it may be a little trickier to figure out what level to start with for an older child and may take more time in the beginning to do so.
So that's my review based on our current family and financial situation. It's kind of the first review I have written about something I've used for homeschool so please take that as well as the unique personality of our child into consideration.
Monday, April 8, 2013
If you're still with me after all this time and after I have come out of the atheist closet...
...thanks. I'm not the greatest at keeping up with the going ons in my life. I find it hard enough completing my diary card for therapy each week.
Anyway, as usual, I'm making changes to my various blogs. I'm not doing anything too crazy but I do have a homeschooling blog up now and have links to my other blogs on this one as well as the other ones (but I only have a link to this blog on one of my other blogs). Now if I can just stay on top of my blogging.
Since I haven't updated much in the last year, should probably mention that I'm doing quite a bit better as far as moods and stuff. I'm still on Prozac which has really helped to dampen the crazy-intense emotions I was feeling and I have the dose pretty well set now. I was seeing a therapist who went on leave back in January and while she was out, was able to get a place in the local DBT program. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. So we have the meds to help regulate the moods and now I'm in the program to learn how to better manage my moods so that the things I do aren't as destructive. Considering I'm the daughter of two parents serving life in prison for murder, this is a VERY good thing for me to learn. So, that's kind of the short version of what's been going on.
Anyway, as usual, I'm making changes to my various blogs. I'm not doing anything too crazy but I do have a homeschooling blog up now and have links to my other blogs on this one as well as the other ones (but I only have a link to this blog on one of my other blogs). Now if I can just stay on top of my blogging.
Since I haven't updated much in the last year, should probably mention that I'm doing quite a bit better as far as moods and stuff. I'm still on Prozac which has really helped to dampen the crazy-intense emotions I was feeling and I have the dose pretty well set now. I was seeing a therapist who went on leave back in January and while she was out, was able to get a place in the local DBT program. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. So we have the meds to help regulate the moods and now I'm in the program to learn how to better manage my moods so that the things I do aren't as destructive. Considering I'm the daughter of two parents serving life in prison for murder, this is a VERY good thing for me to learn. So, that's kind of the short version of what's been going on.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Time4Learning One Month Trial and Review
I've been invited to try Time4Learning's online curriculum
in exchange for an honest review. My opinion will be entirely my own,
so come back and read about my experience! Learn how to use it for homeschool, as an afterschool study program or for summer learning.
Since I've been kind of looking at this program for homeschooling, I'm glad to see this opportunity to try it out for a month.
Since I've been kind of looking at this program for homeschooling, I'm glad to see this opportunity to try it out for a month.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Don't Freak Out!
LOL I have added some posts from a blog I had started that I realized I didn't want to keep going with. SO, I imported them to this blog and the blog that I posted the past four posts on will be turned into a homeschooling blog. I realize that a few people who read my blog may be a tad offended by my coming out as an atheist. It wasn't a one day thing. It's something I've been struggling with for over half of my life. I know some will wonder how anyone can deny the existence of God. Well, that's hard to explain. It's not even something I can explain to my husband in a way he understands. But I will say this, it has lifted a burden I had felt for a long time. Again, it's hard to explain. All I can really say is that while I know of many who find religion to be a comfort, I never did. So, I hope that my beliefs won't change what people feel about me. I don't feel that it changes me at all. I'm the same person I've always been, though if anything I actually feel more optimistic about things than I did before. But my personal beliefs and values have not changed at all, they're just now more compatible with my belief system. That was one of the things I had struggled a lot with in the past, the fact that some of the things that were important to me, that I valued, were not valued by the religious beliefs of those around me. I felt I had to hide certain parts of myself from people in order to fit in, something I never felt right about.
Anyway, I hope that those of you who have been following me will continue to do so but if not, I can understand that too. Peace.
Anyway, I hope that those of you who have been following me will continue to do so but if not, I can understand that too. Peace.
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