Days like these I wonder why I bother even living.

Suicide and murder are supposed to be horrible things because all humans are worthy of life. I mean, abortion is horribly wrong because it's taking the life of an innocent baby but really, not ALL humans are worthy of life, are they? Not all humans are even worthy of respect whether it be out loud or even in one's head. I mean let's start with the worse of the bunch: child molesters. They should be killed, eradicated from the world, killed in horrendous horrible ways or if not that, then they should definitely be raped repeatedly every day while serving life in prison. Murderers come next, the more people you killed or the more horribly you kill them, the more likely that your life is worth nothing. After that, it gets kind of shady and perhaps more personal. It stops being so much of society wanting you dead and more society just doesn't want to have to pay to support your sorry ass. And you're blamed for every scourge of the earth there is.

Obese people. That's the newest target. There are those who want obese people to just die already even though 1/3 of the US population is considered obese. At the very least, they should be quiet, should be talked down to and shamed on a daily basis, and should do whatever they possibly can to lose weight WHILE having people talk down to and verbally abuse and shame them day in and day out until they do reach that society acceptable weight. If it means getting gastric bypass, then they should definitely do so. If they die in the process, they had it coming to them. They shouldn't have children because they won't know how to teach their kids to eat properly. If an obese woman gets pregnant, she should abort. If she doesn't abort, she should have ever single intervention thrown at her as possible and have her baby cut out of her. Then she should probably lose her baby because she won't be able to properly take care of it. Obese people should stay inside and to make sure that happens, there will be very few clothes an obese person can wear and for sure, the largest size will always run out the fastest.

There are people who have blogs I read, who speak out against this crap, who receive emails where they are told they should DIE. They are told that no one will ever love them, that they should be RAPED.

I get SO tired of reading this shit. I get SO tired of reading how morally superior those who can keep their weight in check feel over those who cannot. My weight issues started when I was 13. I went from barely eating lunch (because the food sucked) in elementary school to moving to middle school and eating crap for lunch every day because the food that was served was the equivalent of a fast food join. And taking cold lunch would not have helped because my mother would have packed me a Carl Budding sandwich on white bread with mayo. I lived on Hamburger Helper when I was a kid because my mom was in school and my brother was the one taking care of me while she was in school 50 miles away and there wasn't much he could cook and it FED US. She was on WELFARE and FOOD STAMPS and often what got cut out of the budget were the veggies or if they were bought, it was the canned stuff. At least for the first 10 years, we had a 10 acre farm but when we moved to down, I was barely allowed to go outside. My school barely had any playground space and no equipment. Recess was spent playing 4-square.

I'm trying to do better, to eat better after years of eating crap food (much of it served in SCHOOL of all places!). The damage has been done though. I'm obese, hell I'm morbidly obese and every single freaking time I lose even a little bit of weight (even accidentally), it comes back and then some the minute life gets the best of me which it so often does. And I'm just so damn tired of the messages I face every single day telling me I'm not good enough. That no matter what I do it won't be good enough because I'm not THIN, I'm not between that magical BMI number of 20 and 25. And because of that, I cost taxpayers money, I'm causing global warming, I'm the SCOURGE of the fucking earth! I read it so damn many times I get tired of it all, tired of living, tired of my life basically being considered WORTHLESS because I'm FAT.

I'm not a horrible person. I try hard to be nice to people to not judge people to follow the rules and the laws and do things for others and be a good friend. But that's not enough. It will never be enough because I'm fat. And I will very likely always be fat and will very likely die fat. And there are days I wish that that day I die would come a little sooner than it likely will (because my grandparents lived to 70 and so far my mom and dad are still alive at 66 and they're not skinny so I probably have a decent shot of making it to at least 65, and they're not in perfect health either) because I don't know how much more I can take of being hated by the world, I really don't.