I'm just tired of it all.

I'm tired of all the sadness, all the greed, all the bad things in life. So much has been on my mind lately and it's really wearing me down. I'm getting SO tired of life being like this, that sense of things never really getting any better, just struggling and struggling and never getting anywhere. I'm getting tired of feeling detached from people, of feeling like I'm on the outside looking in, having nothing to really look forward to, of old wounds reopening again. I'm tired and my mind is sad and I feel such a loss of control of everything, a sense that nothing has been right in the last 8 years and I wonder if it ever will be.

I know I have two beautiful, healthy daughters and I know I should be very grateful for them. It's not that I'm not it's just that everything else is so overwhelming. And I don't know who to reach out to or who I can talk to. I feel SO alone and that feeling almost never changes and hasn't really.

I've had my share of death I've dealt with. I was with my husband at his mother's funeral after she died following complications from gallbladder surgery. I witnessed the murder of my one brother-in-law. I was there when my younger sister gave birth to a stillborn baby. So far, these deaths have all been rather sudden and unexpected. I had never really dealt with a long term illness. I have very vague memories of my grandfather and his series of illnesses following a stroke. I was three though and very out of touch with what was going on. My grandmother's illness and death from liver cancer happened when I was even younger so watching and waiting for someone to die has not been an experience I had ever gone through...until now. And I will say this, I prefer the sudden death over this.

The father of the brother-in-law of mine who was murdered took us all on as his "adopted" kids very shortly after the murder happened and my parents were incarcerated. He has become more of a father to me than my father (who was very emotionally distant and prone to being at the very least, emotionally abusive) ever was. He was there for my wedding and has helped me out a number of times. He came to the hospital after my first daughter was born and would visit and spend time with us whenever he could.

About a year ago, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He had been a smoker so the diagnosis was not a total surprise. He was told that without treatment, he would have only a couple of months and with treatment, up to two years. So he went with treatment. We had been preparing ourselves for his death since then but even with that, I was totally unprepared for how quickly he would get worse. Even with the cancer spreading, he still kept his spirit and did as much as he possibly could. There were setbacks here and there but again, he still had some spirit left in him. A couple of weeks ago, he got worse and went to the hospital. The cancer had spread even more and he had reached a point where he couldn't eat without getting sick. He was told to start getting his affairs in order because at this point, there was nothing more than could be done and he had maybe a month to a month and a half left. I saw him on Thursday and I don't think he has that long. He came home Friday and now we're just waiting. I try to call him but he can barely talk that long. His spirit seems to already be gone; this is not the person I had come to know these last eight years.