Need to make some very hard decisions.

When John and Natalie returned from South Korea last October, we had a bit of a crisis from the beginning. He had returned with a full beard and told me that because the Bible says one is not to shave, he is no longer going to shave. I about booted him out then and there. He did end up spending the night next door because we had such a loud argument over it, the police were called. I was furious. It was just one more stupid, inane, asinine rule I had to tolerate because of his religious beliefs. And worse, it wasn't even one of the things the church he had been going to practiced! He did shave it off for awhile, at least long enough to find a job, but grew it back (again, without even talking to me about it or taking my feelings into consideration at all). It has greatly affected our marriage since then and yeah, okay, it's just a beard, I know but it's the lack of consideration that's a problem. He does not take my feelings into consideration. He goes on and on about how he has "no choice" in the matter because it's what the Bible says. That is such garbage! There is ALWAYS a choice! You don't HAVE to choose to follow some stupid rule! That's the whole thing behind free will. It's not like God is play a game of The Sims and clicking on you and forcing you to do certain things. You have the ability to make your own choices. Yes, there are consequences for the choices you make but you still have a choice. And this is one of those things I don't get. He's so AFRAID of not doing what he's supposed to do. I mean seriously? He's going to go to hell/the lake of fire for SHAVING?! Are you freaking kidding me?!

Like I said, that was almost a year ago and I was furious then. Now, I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to get him to do the things he needs to be doing (like filling out the paperwork that keeps the student loan people from garnishing his wages). I'm tired of asking him for his time, asking him for sex, asking him for anything really. We don't really talk and we don't plan. He's getting moodier and moodier all the time. He hates his job which usually means he will at some point lose it because once he starts hating his job, he doesn't put the effort into it and with the (what I think are) ADD issues he may have, it becomes very easy for him to end up losing his job. It's happened before, many many many times before. He wants to go to the Feast of Tabernacles. This requires him to miss a week of work. The last two times we've done this, he's lost his job within a few months. The first year we went was before I had our oldest daughter. He was working two jobs. He lost both of them less than three months later and that year was the WORST year we had financially and supposedly there is this idea that if you tithe and go to this stupid Feast, you'll be blessed financially. Yeah, hasn't happened yet. The next year that we went, he lost his job less than a month after we returned. Fortunately, we were able to get by on him subbing at the local school district so it wasn't quite as bad as it was in the past. BUT, we started having car issues and one of his sisters AND her son died shortly after we returned and because he missed so much work, we couldn't go to the funeral. Again, definitely NOT blessed going to this thing.

But he still wants to go. Only thing is is that we don't have a car. He doesn't have a way to get down to the site that's 90 miles away. He doesn't have a place to stay. He doesn't have a way of getting around the town that the site is in (no public transportation there really). Services are everyday during the week; some days there are two services. It's an eight day deal and he plans to take our five year old. I think she's going to be bored as can be and eventually get sick of the whole entire thing. I know I did the last time I went down and I was an adult! It's BORING! I have no intention of going. His way of punishing me for that is to not include me in any of the Feast gift giving (this IS supposed to be the replacement for Christmas). He is also supposed to be leaving the day after my birthday (which is also the same day as our wedding anniversary).

I can't do it anymore. I can't keep going like this where I'm expected to follow his beliefs, put up with whatever he comes up with that he's read out of the Bible, and yet not be able to follow any beliefs of my own. I'm supposed to put up with a lack of intimacy and friendship within my own relationship and be perfectly happy with it. I'm not happy with it and I refuse to bend over backwards and give up everything of myself just to get that from him. At some point, either in the near future (especially if he does go to the Feast) or somewhere down the road, I'm going to have to leave. He will never change and I will never be happy staying with him. It's just an absolutely terrifying thought for me. I think I would be better about it if I didn't have the kids but I do and I worry I can't do it all on my own, I really do. But I can't keep living this way either. *sigh*