I'm 15 weeks now and my second appointment is tomorrow.

With that, we may have to face a very important decision: stay and have this baby in Korea (and VERY possibly have to have another cesarean) or go back to the US to have the baby probably without John and maybe even without Natalie.

It's not a decision I'm wanting to make. Unfortunately, Koreans are EXTREMELY prejudiced against weight (and height too, I guess) and being oh at least twice the size as your average Korean woman, I'm fair game. It is VERY likely that my chance of having a VBAC here are slim and none (and slim's on vacation, my mom always liked to say). I can't have a homebirth because no midwife will touch me. It's not legal for a midwife to take on a woman with an unproven pelvis. And cesareans in South Korea are in the 40-50% rate, HIGHER than the US by quite a bit.

I won't lie. There are times I am really doggone sick and tired of fighting this and just want to sign up for another cesarean and be DONE WITH IT! Go in, get the baby cut out and get my tubes cut on top of it so that I NEVER have to worry about going through this EVER again! I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being so stressed out that I'm already having braxton hicks. I'm tired of not enjoying my pregnancy and not even doing any little baby tickers or anything because I keep hoping deep down that the pregnancy ends at some point so that I don't have to worry about this anymore. I'm tired of feeling angry and resentful and scared out of my mind. I'm just tired. I'm tired of my life always being one major hit after another after another and never getting a break. Even the things that are important to me I can't get a break on. THIS is important to me. This MATTERS to me and I can't get that. I don't have the choices I should have here and it's not fair. It just makes me SO ANGRY!

I don't know what's going to happen. The appointment is at 3pm tomorrow and one of the doulas I've been talking with will be going with me to talk to the doctor and we're going to see how he feels about me having a VBAC and what my chances of that happening with him are and if they are low, could he recommend someone who can give me a VBAC (besides the guy that will cost me $4000 and doesn't take our insurance). If not, our options are trying to come up with $4000 or so to pay for the one and only doctor who will likely give me a VBAC (that again, the insurance does NOT cover AT ALL) or I go home though personally, I wish we ALL could go home. Coming to this country has been the BIGGEST mistake I have EVER made in my life. If I NEVER hear the word Korea again for as long as I live, it won't be long enough.

We'll see what happens, I guess.

Well, I can't really deny it anymore...

...not that I could with the all day every day nausea but that's another story. I finally went in for an appointment today. John thought he had the day off so he scheduled an appointment for me at this one clinic that was recommended to me. Unfortunately, he found out that actually he did have to work but he just did one class today and took the rest of the day off to take me to my appointment since we really didn't know how to get to the place. So I went in and talked to the doctor and all that stuff and they did an ultrasound and there it was. At first we didn't see anything but then he found the little bean and we got to hear the heartbeat. We got a picture too which is weird since we didn't get a picture of Natalie until I was 18 weeks pregnant with her.

So yeah, I am definitely pregnant. I'm 10 weeks and 5 days along. I found out about 36 hours after I got to the US back in November. It's been a struggle dealing with the news and dealing with the fact that I will likely have to have the baby here unless I manage to find someone who can take me and Natalie in for three months until I have the baby in the US which I highly doubt. I wish I could say that seeing the doctor helped but with the language barrier and the fact that they have absolutely NO experience with plus sized women (they didn't have a blood pressure cuff big enough for my unfortunately large upper arms), I'm nervous. It didn't help that the peeing in the cup thing was just LOADS of fun. You see, some places in Korea do not have normal toilets. They have a toilet bowl in the floor that you have to sort of squat over and try to pee into (and somehow, at the same time, NOT pee on your clothes). I have tried VERY VERY hard to avoid these kinds of toilets and have managed to in the nine months I've been here (Natalie freaks out when she sees one and absolutely refuses to use them). Today, I had no choice but to not only pee into a cup but to do so while standing over this toilet bowl in the floor. I really don't know if I can do this here, I really don't. John and I had no intention to get pregnant and have the baby while we were still here. This was definitely not planned, a pull and pray that did not work this time around (though we THOUGHT we had pulled out in time).

I'm feeling very lost, very vulnerable, and just very overwhelmed and I really don't know what to do. And if that's not enough, I'm nauseous every single day from the time I get up until the time I go to bed and if anything, it's getting worse, not better (though I'm glad to see there was just ONE baby in there, I was beginning to think maybe I was having twins). The only thing I'm finding comforting about this is something I read that told me that bad nausea lead to a higher probability of girls over boys which is good, I'd rather have a girl because if we have a boy, John wants him circumcised and I don't even want to go there.

So, we'll see what happens. Next appointment is the end of January and hopefully they won't do so much this time around, it wasn't cheap!

As usual, my poor little blog gets neglected...

Vacation, while relaxing, has also been somewhat draining. Dealing with jet lag (among other things I'm not quite ready to get into just yet) has left me exhausted and looking to hit the sheets WELL before my normal night owl times. The friend I'm staying with has been dealing with her own problems due to an ex that I'm sure she had wanted to be done with before I arrived but unfortunately, is getting dragged into more and more as time goes by. As for me, surprising news has left me somewhat shocked and unsure what to think.

It's just a lot to take in and deal with, that's for sure and it definitely doesn't leave much time for blog writing. John has, for the moment, taken over my other blog since he is the one who is with Natalie at this time and so far, he's not doing too badly with it. We talk on the phone and online and quite a bit since there now seems to be a lot of things we need to figure out and decisions that we must make that will have an impact on us for quite some time. It just all makes me wish we could come home and angry that the economy here is still fragile and not improving very quickly.

Not much else going on at the moment though, just resting and enjoying what may be my last vacation for a very long time.

I made it to the US in one piece.

It was a pretty long trip and I was definitely exhausted by the time I got there. I don't sleep well on planes unfortunately. I'm enjoying my vacation so far though I ended up getting some news that have kind of put me into shock. I'm not quite ready to divulge what the news is quite yet but suffice to say, it was the LAST thing I expected to happen at this time. I'm dealing with a lot of emotions due to that. I'm trying to not think too much about it though since anything can happen in the next several weeks and just try to enjoy the time I have here since it may be the last time I'm able to visit for a long time.

I'm happy to be back though. I really missed being here and it's nice to have space for me and a place to put all of my stuff. The bed is nice and soft and very comfortable to sleep in. I bought a coffee pot and some coffee and I'm looking forward to making a pot of that. I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving. I just wish I wasn't so worried about the future but I am right now. That's the only bad side to everything, that and the fact that my appetite is down quite a bit. I'm still hoping everything will fall into place though, just didn't expect the news I got, that's for sure.

Today's the day!

It's after 2 in the morning and I'm trying to relax enough to go to bed for at least two hours. Yeah, that's not working out too well. I hate having pre-flight jitters, especially since I really do not sleep well on the plane, well at least the last time I flew which was the first time I flew. I'll be in the air less than 9 hours from now and man I really wish I had not looked at the clock because that SO did not help my nerves. I'm pretty much packed though, just need to shut down the computer and put it in the laptop bag. I have the documents I need and I'll just have a few things to throw into the bags tomorrow morning and then I should be pretty much set to go.

I got some pictures of the apartment tonight so I'll post those once I get all set up at my friend's house. Then you all can see just how much of a shoebox we live in!

Well, guess that's that. The next time anyone will hear from me online will likely be once I make it to Minneapolis. Ooh, that reminds me, I need to forward my flight information to my husband. Later!

So much for that.

I was trying to do a blog entry ever day for the NaBloWriMo even though I hadn't actually signed up for it. Yeah, didn't last long, what I get for trying to do it the same month I'm going to fly home. There's a lot I'd like to blog about but I just do not have the time to actually sit down and write about it and naturally, if I am going to write about things that are important to me, I'd like to have a bit of time to do so. I can't even sit down and write my poor mom a letter! Less than 48 hours to go and I still have laundry to do (though nothing I'm taking with, thankfully, just the last of Natalie's summer clothes) which is taking twice as long to dry now that the weather has gotten cool, dark, and damp; packing to finish including figuring out how much I spent on all of the stuff I bought here that I'm taking back to the states with me; dinner and a movie since I'm hoping to watch The Time Traveler's Wife before I go (read the book, want to see the movie); and just getting all the last minute details figured out including how to get to the airport possibly on my own since Natalie tends to be such a pain in the behind about going out anywhere and it would just take less time and less stress to go alone (pity we can't get her a babysitter for the day).

So yeah, that is what is going on with me and now, I really should get off of the computer and get some things done because I need to take off after John gets home from work for Gangnam to see what time the movie's playing tonight.

Less than five days to go...

...and I'm already starting to feel the stress of trying to get everything ready and packed and set for Sunday morning. Still have details to figure out for Sunday itself as far as getting to the airport and all that good stuff. My flight leaves at 11am Sunday the 8th (Korea time) and I will land in La Crosse, WI Sunday the 8th at about 2pm (Central time). Yes, time traveling rocks. While it will only have been about three hours time wise, I will have really been traveling for 18 hours and since I will be up at 5am, it's going to be a LONG day. Just hope I'll be able to sleep on the plane this time around.