Going back to South Korea didn't make things easier. If anything, the stress got worse, much worse. I found out first of all that South Korea's cesarean rate is higher than the US's by as much as 10%, maybe even more than that. Second, my weight as well as the weight of my first daughter when she was born really freaked out the OB I started seeing. I mean, REALLY freaked him out (not to mention, he thought I was 16 years older than I was because he saw my husband's birth date and not mine). He started talking about needing an ultrasound before the due date to see how big the baby was and I knew that that was a big red flag. Third, I came to find out that because South Korea has such a low obesity rate compared to the US (only 3% over there), most of the clinics and hospitals were unprepared to deal with a woman my size. The clinics I went to (I went to two different OBs while I was there) did not have blood pressure cuffs that fit me. They likely didn't have gowns my size. And it was doubtful that they would even have an epidural needle long enough for me if one was needed which meant that if a cesarean was needed, I would likely have to be put under. The thought of have a cesarean done by a doctor who had had absolutely NO experience with an obese woman terrified me. I honest to goodness felt that if I had stayed there and ended up needing a cesarean, I would die. And nothing anyone told me helped that feeling. I honestly felt that if I stayed in South Korea to have the baby I would die. It took some convincing but John agreed that it would be for the best that I return to the US to have the baby.
In the meantime, I was under a lot of stress, far more stress than I was under when I was pregnant with my older daughter. I became depressed. I became so depressed, I was almost suicidal. I was freaking out over all of the decisions that had to be made. I was worried because I couldn't get on the national insurance over there (even though both Natalie and I were supposed to be on the insurance) and every appointment I went to was costing us money (not a ton of money compared to what it would cost in the US but it was money we needed) so I wasn't going to very many prenatal appointments. My self esteem was low, VERY low, because of my weight and because every time I turned around I was reminded how the world saw me because of it whether it was an article on obesity and pregnancy risks or how midwives in the UK would no longer take obese women. I was even starting to consider gastric bypass because I felt that I would never be accepted as a fat person. I would read The Plus Sized Pregnancy website and blog constantly for reassurance, reassurance that just because I was fat didn't mean I couldn't have a vaginal birth, didn't mean I was defective. It was hard though because I saw so many comments towards overweight mothers to be, even got some comments (some, of all places, from my own husband!). I came extremely close to having, for the first time in my life, an honest to goodness eating disorder and it was almost easy because I hated most of the food over there, I was constantly nauseous, and I was stressed and depressed and just not able to eat a lot of the time.
Not only was I dealing with all of this but John was also having job issues. The school he had been working ended its English program which meant he had to change jobs which meant new visas which meant I ended up off the insurance (that I was on for one week and then never really got on again until a week or so before I left Korea). Thankfully it didn't mean we had to move but we probably should have with all of the mold issues we were having (among other issues but the mold was the big one and it was literally all over the room we all slept in which is what happens when you build a building entirely out of cement and then don't bother to do anything with it to keep moisture out!).
And if that wasn't enough, I found out that my younger sister's first husband's father (the first husband who was killed in 2003 by my father and is the reason both of my parents are in prison for life) had lung cancer. He had sort of unofficially adopted us all after my parents were incarcerated and had become a HUGE part of my life since that time, more so than my own biological father had. He was given six months without treatment, maybe two years with treatment (he passed away just over 13 months ago, not quite 13 months after he was first diagnosed).
So, it was a really difficult time, with a lot of uncertainty and a lot of agonizing over decisions including what to do with Natalie. Due to the price of plane tickets going up substantially since I went to the US in November, it was looking like I would have to leave her behind. I could deal with leaving John behind and could even deal with not having him there when I had the baby (he wasn't much help when I was in labor with Natalie) but the thought of leaving Natalie behind really worried me and it was a decision I really agonized over and it didn't help that a lot of moms judged me for even thinking of leaving her behind and accused me of not doing everything I possibly could to be able to take her with. I also worried about the economy in the US and how I would survive and what we would do after the baby was born.
I think, towards the end, all of the stress was getting to me and it was starting to effect my pregnancy. When I went to the OB to get cleared for my return, she expressed some concern with my blood pressure. I was possibly having some pregnancy induced high blood pressure. She wanted me to be seen by a doctor as soon as possible after I returned to the US. Fortunately, she did clear me for my flight and gave me the records I would need for the doctors over there. I also had John get the records I would need from the other OB I saw. Everything was in place for me to leave. I would be leaving Natalie behind though and that was the hardest decision I ever had to make for her since the morning she was born. But I had no choice. If I was going to have the best chance at having a VBAC (or even a cesarean I wasn't going to die from), I had to return to the US.
So, on May 6, 2010, I left South Korea for the last time. I was almost 30 weeks pregnant and I had no idea what was going to happen when I returned. I didn't have a provider. I didn't have any idea who I was even going to try and see. I was taking a HUGE gamble. I didn't have a place to live even or anyone to stay with. John set up a hotel room for me for a week at $200. That was where I was going to be staying. There was a ton of uncertainty facing me. But I knew and John knew that it was the best chance we had to achieve what was really almost next to impossible to achieve. I mean, my chance of a VBAC in the US was 10%, maybe even less considering my weight (though I didn't know it was that low at the time--probably a good thing I didn't!) but I knew my chance of a VBAC in South Korea was even lower than that and I just couldn't take the chance of something going wrong, I just felt that I needed to come home. Maybe it was instinctual, maybe it was the incredibly great need to be somewhere familiar to me, I don't know but I knew, without a doubt, I needed to come home and have my baby in the US. But getting home was only half the battle...
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Isabelle's birth story--the long version--Part 3
Going back to South Korea didn't make things easier. If anything, the stress got worse, much worse. I found out first of all that South Korea's cesarean rate is higher than the US's by as much as 10%, maybe even more than that. Second, my weight as well as the weight of my first daughter when she was born really freaked out the OB I started seeing. I mean, REALLY freaked him out (not to mention, he thought I was 16 years older than I was because he saw my husband's birth date and not mine). He started talking about needing an ultrasound before the due date to see how big the baby was and I knew that that was a big red flag. Third, I came to find out that because South Korea has such a low obesity rate compared to the US (only 3% over there), most of the clinics and hospitals were unprepared to deal with a woman my size. The clinics I went to (I went to two different OBs while I was there) did not have blood pressure cuffs that fit me. They likely didn't have gowns my size. And it was doubtful that they would even have an epidural needle long enough for me if one was needed which meant that if a cesarean was needed, I would likely have to be put under. The thought of have a cesarean done by a doctor who had had absolutely NO experience with an obese woman terrified me. I honest to goodness felt that if I had stayed there and ended up needing a cesarean, I would die. And nothing anyone told me helped that feeling. I honestly felt that if I stayed in South Korea to have the baby I would die. It took some convincing but John agreed that it would be for the best that I return to the US to have the baby.
In the meantime, I was under a lot of stress, far more stress than I was under when I was pregnant with my older daughter. I became depressed. I became so depressed, I was almost suicidal. I was freaking out over all of the decisions that had to be made. I was worried because I couldn't get on the national insurance over there (even though both Natalie and I were supposed to be on the insurance) and every appointment I went to was costing us money (not a ton of money compared to what it would cost in the US but it was money we needed) so I wasn't going to very many prenatal appointments. My self esteem was low, VERY low, because of my weight and because every time I turned around I was reminded how the world saw me because of it whether it was an article on obesity and pregnancy risks or how midwives in the UK would no longer take obese women. I was even starting to consider gastric bypass because I felt that I would never be accepted as a fat person. I would read The Plus Sized Pregnancy website and blog constantly for reassurance, reassurance that just because I was fat didn't mean I couldn't have a vaginal birth, didn't mean I was defective. It was hard though because I saw so many comments towards overweight mothers to be, even got some comments (some, of all places, from my own husband!). I came extremely close to having, for the first time in my life, an honest to goodness eating disorder and it was almost easy because I hated most of the food over there, I was constantly nauseous, and I was stressed and depressed and just not able to eat a lot of the time.
Not only was I dealing with all of this but John was also having job issues. The school he had been working ended its English program which meant he had to change jobs which meant new visas which meant I ended up off the insurance (that I was on for one week and then never really got on again until a week or so before I left Korea). Thankfully it didn't mean we had to move but we probably should have with all of the mold issues we were having (among other issues but the mold was the big one and it was literally all over the room we all slept in which is what happens when you build a building entirely out of cement and then don't bother to do anything with it to keep moisture out!).
And if that wasn't enough, I found out that my younger sister's first husband's father (the first husband who was killed in 2003 by my father and is the reason both of my parents are in prison for life) had lung cancer. He had sort of unofficially adopted us all after my parents were incarcerated and had become a HUGE part of my life since that time, more so than my own biological father had. He was given six months without treatment, maybe two years with treatment (he passed away just over 13 months ago, not quite 13 months after he was first diagnosed).
So, it was a really difficult time, with a lot of uncertainty and a lot of agonizing over decisions including what to do with Natalie. Due to the price of plane tickets going up substantially since I went to the US in November, it was looking like I would have to leave her behind. I could deal with leaving John behind and could even deal with not having him there when I had the baby (he wasn't much help when I was in labor with Natalie) but the thought of leaving Natalie behind really worried me and it was a decision I really agonized over and it didn't help that a lot of moms judged me for even thinking of leaving her behind and accused me of not doing everything I possibly could to be able to take her with. I also worried about the economy in the US and how I would survive and what we would do after the baby was born.
I think, towards the end, all of the stress was getting to me and it was starting to effect my pregnancy. When I went to the OB to get cleared for my return, she expressed some concern with my blood pressure. I was possibly having some pregnancy induced high blood pressure. She wanted me to be seen by a doctor as soon as possible after I returned to the US. Fortunately, she did clear me for my flight and gave me the records I would need for the doctors over there. I also had John get the records I would need from the other OB I saw. Everything was in place for me to leave. I would be leaving Natalie behind though and that was the hardest decision I ever had to make for her since the morning she was born. But I had no choice. If I was going to have the best chance at having a VBAC (or even a cesarean I wasn't going to die from), I had to return to the US.
So, on May 6, 2010, I left South Korea for the last time. I was almost 30 weeks pregnant and I had no idea what was going to happen when I returned. I didn't have a provider. I didn't have any idea who I was even going to try and see. I was taking a HUGE gamble. I didn't have a place to live even or anyone to stay with. John set up a hotel room for me for a week at $200. That was where I was going to be staying. There was a ton of uncertainty facing me. But I knew and John knew that it was the best chance we had to achieve what was really almost next to impossible to achieve. I mean, my chance of a VBAC in the US was 10%, maybe even less considering my weight (though I didn't know it was that low at the time--probably a good thing I didn't!) but I knew my chance of a VBAC in South Korea was even lower than that and I just couldn't take the chance of something going wrong, I just felt that I needed to come home. Maybe it was instinctual, maybe it was the incredibly great need to be somewhere familiar to me, I don't know but I knew, without a doubt, I needed to come home and have my baby in the US. But getting home was only half the battle...
In the meantime, I was under a lot of stress, far more stress than I was under when I was pregnant with my older daughter. I became depressed. I became so depressed, I was almost suicidal. I was freaking out over all of the decisions that had to be made. I was worried because I couldn't get on the national insurance over there (even though both Natalie and I were supposed to be on the insurance) and every appointment I went to was costing us money (not a ton of money compared to what it would cost in the US but it was money we needed) so I wasn't going to very many prenatal appointments. My self esteem was low, VERY low, because of my weight and because every time I turned around I was reminded how the world saw me because of it whether it was an article on obesity and pregnancy risks or how midwives in the UK would no longer take obese women. I was even starting to consider gastric bypass because I felt that I would never be accepted as a fat person. I would read The Plus Sized Pregnancy website and blog constantly for reassurance, reassurance that just because I was fat didn't mean I couldn't have a vaginal birth, didn't mean I was defective. It was hard though because I saw so many comments towards overweight mothers to be, even got some comments (some, of all places, from my own husband!). I came extremely close to having, for the first time in my life, an honest to goodness eating disorder and it was almost easy because I hated most of the food over there, I was constantly nauseous, and I was stressed and depressed and just not able to eat a lot of the time.
Not only was I dealing with all of this but John was also having job issues. The school he had been working ended its English program which meant he had to change jobs which meant new visas which meant I ended up off the insurance (that I was on for one week and then never really got on again until a week or so before I left Korea). Thankfully it didn't mean we had to move but we probably should have with all of the mold issues we were having (among other issues but the mold was the big one and it was literally all over the room we all slept in which is what happens when you build a building entirely out of cement and then don't bother to do anything with it to keep moisture out!).
And if that wasn't enough, I found out that my younger sister's first husband's father (the first husband who was killed in 2003 by my father and is the reason both of my parents are in prison for life) had lung cancer. He had sort of unofficially adopted us all after my parents were incarcerated and had become a HUGE part of my life since that time, more so than my own biological father had. He was given six months without treatment, maybe two years with treatment (he passed away just over 13 months ago, not quite 13 months after he was first diagnosed).
So, it was a really difficult time, with a lot of uncertainty and a lot of agonizing over decisions including what to do with Natalie. Due to the price of plane tickets going up substantially since I went to the US in November, it was looking like I would have to leave her behind. I could deal with leaving John behind and could even deal with not having him there when I had the baby (he wasn't much help when I was in labor with Natalie) but the thought of leaving Natalie behind really worried me and it was a decision I really agonized over and it didn't help that a lot of moms judged me for even thinking of leaving her behind and accused me of not doing everything I possibly could to be able to take her with. I also worried about the economy in the US and how I would survive and what we would do after the baby was born.
I think, towards the end, all of the stress was getting to me and it was starting to effect my pregnancy. When I went to the OB to get cleared for my return, she expressed some concern with my blood pressure. I was possibly having some pregnancy induced high blood pressure. She wanted me to be seen by a doctor as soon as possible after I returned to the US. Fortunately, she did clear me for my flight and gave me the records I would need for the doctors over there. I also had John get the records I would need from the other OB I saw. Everything was in place for me to leave. I would be leaving Natalie behind though and that was the hardest decision I ever had to make for her since the morning she was born. But I had no choice. If I was going to have the best chance at having a VBAC (or even a cesarean I wasn't going to die from), I had to return to the US.
So, on May 6, 2010, I left South Korea for the last time. I was almost 30 weeks pregnant and I had no idea what was going to happen when I returned. I didn't have a provider. I didn't have any idea who I was even going to try and see. I was taking a HUGE gamble. I didn't have a place to live even or anyone to stay with. John set up a hotel room for me for a week at $200. That was where I was going to be staying. There was a ton of uncertainty facing me. But I knew and John knew that it was the best chance we had to achieve what was really almost next to impossible to achieve. I mean, my chance of a VBAC in the US was 10%, maybe even less considering my weight (though I didn't know it was that low at the time--probably a good thing I didn't!) but I knew my chance of a VBAC in South Korea was even lower than that and I just couldn't take the chance of something going wrong, I just felt that I needed to come home. Maybe it was instinctual, maybe it was the incredibly great need to be somewhere familiar to me, I don't know but I knew, without a doubt, I needed to come home and have my baby in the US. But getting home was only half the battle...
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Isabelle's birth story--the long version--Part 2
I found out I was pregnant less than 48 hours after I arrived in the US for a month long vacation (a much needed mental break because I had become so homesick during the seven months I had been in South Korea so far). I started suspecting I was pregnant a couple of days before I left when I reached day 29 and realized I had yet to get my period. Uh oh. Started thinking, realized that I had been especially tired lately, Natalie had been nursing more lately, I had been feeling just a little off...NO, we had been careful! At least, I thought we had been... John agreed. No way are you pregnant, he told me. We even got a bottle of champagne and I had a glass the night before I was to fly off. We were careful. There's no way I'm pregnant. My period is just later this month, still within the 26-31 day window (though usually by day 29 I'm starting to spot and I wasn't but still...).
By the time my plane lands, I'm 12 hours late. My younger sister and the friend I'm staying with for the month both laugh at me. They think I'm being absolutely absurd. Maybe I am. Afterall, stress can affect one's cycles. I was all for rationalizing it though in the back of my mind there was that little thought nagging at me... That little nagging thought really gets going the next night when I start to feel nauseous at my younger sister's inlaws. When I was pregnant with my older daughter, I had gotten a couple of good signs that I was pregnant and a couple of those signs were missing so I wasn't sure. I asked my sister if she ended up finding out she was pregnant without any signs present and she said yes. I couldn't ignore that nagging feeling anymore. I was 36 hours or so late at this point. It was time to pick up a pregnancy test.
We pick up the trusty old digital model from Walmart, the one that tells you in plain words if you are pregnant or not. I get back to my friend's house and I don't even wait until the next morning. I had two tests on hand, I was going to take one now. It didn't even take three minutes before the results came in: PREGNANT. I swore. Yeah, probably not my proudest moment but this was definitely NOT expected at all! I mean, I had ordered cloth menstrual pads for crying out loud, had them sent to my friend's house fully expecting to use them on my period that I would be on when I got to the US for the visit. What's that old saying? People plan, God laughs? God definitely had to have been rolling on the floor and laughing His head off. Ha ha ha. What was really fun was trying to reach my husband with a 15 hour time difference. It took me a day or so before I finally got him on the phone and I had even sent an email saying, "Hey, need to talk to you!". That was kind of funny considering the news I had to tell him and it was definitely the last thing he had expected. His reaction was this sort of shocked, "Wow." Yeah, that about sums up how I was feeling too.
The rest of the month was kind of a jumble of emotions for me. I was scared half out of my mind and absolutely unsure of what to do. As with any pregnancy, there was always the chance that it wouldn't get all the way to term. Granted, I had never had a miscarriage before but I my sisters have and I certainly had risk factors for miscarriages including extra weight and a previous cesarean section. So the plan was to just wait it out, return to Korea, and see what could be done there in as far as having a child over there. I found information on a doula who lived over there online and we decided we would meet up when I returned to Korea. Other than that, there wasn't much else I could do. No sense in seeing a doctor since it was so early in the pregnancy and I wouldn't be setting up care in the US. I just did what I could to enjoy my time there even though at the same time, I was getting hit harder with first trimester pregnancy symptoms (including, oh the irony and the cruelty, morning sickness hitting right in time for Thanksgiving). I also ended up having to replace my computer during that time because I managed to break my laptop's hard drive on the way to the US (tripped and fell at the airport, banging up the computer enough to break the hard drive). It was a vacation that sort of fell flat with everything I was having to deal with. And to add to it, my friend also had a lot she was dealing with at the same time. So when I left December 8 (literally hours before a massive snow storm hit that would close the airport the next day due to 17 inches of snow, I mean, they were deicing the plane as I sat in it listening to--again, the irony--Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow), it was supposed to have been for the last time for possibly two years...at least, that was the plan. Little did I know that I would actually be returning less than five months later...
By the time my plane lands, I'm 12 hours late. My younger sister and the friend I'm staying with for the month both laugh at me. They think I'm being absolutely absurd. Maybe I am. Afterall, stress can affect one's cycles. I was all for rationalizing it though in the back of my mind there was that little thought nagging at me... That little nagging thought really gets going the next night when I start to feel nauseous at my younger sister's inlaws. When I was pregnant with my older daughter, I had gotten a couple of good signs that I was pregnant and a couple of those signs were missing so I wasn't sure. I asked my sister if she ended up finding out she was pregnant without any signs present and she said yes. I couldn't ignore that nagging feeling anymore. I was 36 hours or so late at this point. It was time to pick up a pregnancy test.
We pick up the trusty old digital model from Walmart, the one that tells you in plain words if you are pregnant or not. I get back to my friend's house and I don't even wait until the next morning. I had two tests on hand, I was going to take one now. It didn't even take three minutes before the results came in: PREGNANT. I swore. Yeah, probably not my proudest moment but this was definitely NOT expected at all! I mean, I had ordered cloth menstrual pads for crying out loud, had them sent to my friend's house fully expecting to use them on my period that I would be on when I got to the US for the visit. What's that old saying? People plan, God laughs? God definitely had to have been rolling on the floor and laughing His head off. Ha ha ha. What was really fun was trying to reach my husband with a 15 hour time difference. It took me a day or so before I finally got him on the phone and I had even sent an email saying, "Hey, need to talk to you!". That was kind of funny considering the news I had to tell him and it was definitely the last thing he had expected. His reaction was this sort of shocked, "Wow." Yeah, that about sums up how I was feeling too.
The rest of the month was kind of a jumble of emotions for me. I was scared half out of my mind and absolutely unsure of what to do. As with any pregnancy, there was always the chance that it wouldn't get all the way to term. Granted, I had never had a miscarriage before but I my sisters have and I certainly had risk factors for miscarriages including extra weight and a previous cesarean section. So the plan was to just wait it out, return to Korea, and see what could be done there in as far as having a child over there. I found information on a doula who lived over there online and we decided we would meet up when I returned to Korea. Other than that, there wasn't much else I could do. No sense in seeing a doctor since it was so early in the pregnancy and I wouldn't be setting up care in the US. I just did what I could to enjoy my time there even though at the same time, I was getting hit harder with first trimester pregnancy symptoms (including, oh the irony and the cruelty, morning sickness hitting right in time for Thanksgiving). I also ended up having to replace my computer during that time because I managed to break my laptop's hard drive on the way to the US (tripped and fell at the airport, banging up the computer enough to break the hard drive). It was a vacation that sort of fell flat with everything I was having to deal with. And to add to it, my friend also had a lot she was dealing with at the same time. So when I left December 8 (literally hours before a massive snow storm hit that would close the airport the next day due to 17 inches of snow, I mean, they were deicing the plane as I sat in it listening to--again, the irony--Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow), it was supposed to have been for the last time for possibly two years...at least, that was the plan. Little did I know that I would actually be returning less than five months later...
Isabelle's birth story--the long version--Part 2
I found out I was pregnant less than 48 hours after I arrived in the US for a month long vacation (a much needed mental break because I had become so homesick during the seven months I had been in South Korea so far). I started suspecting I was pregnant a couple of days before I left when I reached day 29 and realized I had yet to get my period. Uh oh. Started thinking, realized that I had been especially tired lately, Natalie had been nursing more lately, I had been feeling just a little off...NO, we had been careful! At least, I thought we had been... John agreed. No way are you pregnant, he told me. We even got a bottle of champagne and I had a glass the night before I was to fly off. We were careful. There's no way I'm pregnant. My period is just later this month, still within the 26-31 day window (though usually by day 29 I'm starting to spot and I wasn't but still...).
By the time my plane lands, I'm 12 hours late. My younger sister and the friend I'm staying with for the month both laugh at me. They think I'm being absolutely absurd. Maybe I am. Afterall, stress can affect one's cycles. I was all for rationalizing it though in the back of my mind there was that little thought nagging at me... That little nagging thought really gets going the next night when I start to feel nauseous at my younger sister's inlaws. When I was pregnant with my older daughter, I had gotten a couple of good signs that I was pregnant and a couple of those signs were missing so I wasn't sure. I asked my sister if she ended up finding out she was pregnant without any signs present and she said yes. I couldn't ignore that nagging feeling anymore. I was 36 hours or so late at this point. It was time to pick up a pregnancy test.
We pick up the trusty old digital model from Walmart, the one that tells you in plain words if you are pregnant or not. I get back to my friend's house and I don't even wait until the next morning. I had two tests on hand, I was going to take one now. It didn't even take three minutes before the results came in: PREGNANT. I swore. Yeah, probably not my proudest moment but this was definitely NOT expected at all! I mean, I had ordered cloth menstrual pads for crying out loud, had them sent to my friend's house fully expecting to use them on my period that I would be on when I got to the US for the visit. What's that old saying? People plan, God laughs? God definitely had to have been rolling on the floor and laughing His head off. Ha ha ha. What was really fun was trying to reach my husband with a 15 hour time difference. It took me a day or so before I finally got him on the phone and I had even sent an email saying, "Hey, need to talk to you!". That was kind of funny considering the news I had to tell him and it was definitely the last thing he had expected. His reaction was this sort of shocked, "Wow." Yeah, that about sums up how I was feeling too.
The rest of the month was kind of a jumble of emotions for me. I was scared half out of my mind and absolutely unsure of what to do. As with any pregnancy, there was always the chance that it wouldn't get all the way to term. Granted, I had never had a miscarriage before but I my sisters have and I certainly had risk factors for miscarriages including extra weight and a previous cesarean section. So the plan was to just wait it out, return to Korea, and see what could be done there in as far as having a child over there. I found information on a doula who lived over there online and we decided we would meet up when I returned to Korea. Other than that, there wasn't much else I could do. No sense in seeing a doctor since it was so early in the pregnancy and I wouldn't be setting up care in the US. I just did what I could to enjoy my time there even though at the same time, I was getting hit harder with first trimester pregnancy symptoms (including, oh the irony and the cruelty, morning sickness hitting right in time for Thanksgiving). I also ended up having to replace my computer during that time because I managed to break my laptop's hard drive on the way to the US (tripped and fell at the airport, banging up the computer enough to break the hard drive). It was a vacation that sort of fell flat with everything I was having to deal with. And to add to it, my friend also had a lot she was dealing with at the same time. So when I left December 8 (literally hours before a massive snow storm hit that would close the airport the next day due to 17 inches of snow, I mean, they were deicing the plane as I sat in it listening to--again, the irony--Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow), it was supposed to have been for the last time for possibly two years...at least, that was the plan. Little did I know that I would actually be returning less than five months later...
By the time my plane lands, I'm 12 hours late. My younger sister and the friend I'm staying with for the month both laugh at me. They think I'm being absolutely absurd. Maybe I am. Afterall, stress can affect one's cycles. I was all for rationalizing it though in the back of my mind there was that little thought nagging at me... That little nagging thought really gets going the next night when I start to feel nauseous at my younger sister's inlaws. When I was pregnant with my older daughter, I had gotten a couple of good signs that I was pregnant and a couple of those signs were missing so I wasn't sure. I asked my sister if she ended up finding out she was pregnant without any signs present and she said yes. I couldn't ignore that nagging feeling anymore. I was 36 hours or so late at this point. It was time to pick up a pregnancy test.
We pick up the trusty old digital model from Walmart, the one that tells you in plain words if you are pregnant or not. I get back to my friend's house and I don't even wait until the next morning. I had two tests on hand, I was going to take one now. It didn't even take three minutes before the results came in: PREGNANT. I swore. Yeah, probably not my proudest moment but this was definitely NOT expected at all! I mean, I had ordered cloth menstrual pads for crying out loud, had them sent to my friend's house fully expecting to use them on my period that I would be on when I got to the US for the visit. What's that old saying? People plan, God laughs? God definitely had to have been rolling on the floor and laughing His head off. Ha ha ha. What was really fun was trying to reach my husband with a 15 hour time difference. It took me a day or so before I finally got him on the phone and I had even sent an email saying, "Hey, need to talk to you!". That was kind of funny considering the news I had to tell him and it was definitely the last thing he had expected. His reaction was this sort of shocked, "Wow." Yeah, that about sums up how I was feeling too.
The rest of the month was kind of a jumble of emotions for me. I was scared half out of my mind and absolutely unsure of what to do. As with any pregnancy, there was always the chance that it wouldn't get all the way to term. Granted, I had never had a miscarriage before but I my sisters have and I certainly had risk factors for miscarriages including extra weight and a previous cesarean section. So the plan was to just wait it out, return to Korea, and see what could be done there in as far as having a child over there. I found information on a doula who lived over there online and we decided we would meet up when I returned to Korea. Other than that, there wasn't much else I could do. No sense in seeing a doctor since it was so early in the pregnancy and I wouldn't be setting up care in the US. I just did what I could to enjoy my time there even though at the same time, I was getting hit harder with first trimester pregnancy symptoms (including, oh the irony and the cruelty, morning sickness hitting right in time for Thanksgiving). I also ended up having to replace my computer during that time because I managed to break my laptop's hard drive on the way to the US (tripped and fell at the airport, banging up the computer enough to break the hard drive). It was a vacation that sort of fell flat with everything I was having to deal with. And to add to it, my friend also had a lot she was dealing with at the same time. So when I left December 8 (literally hours before a massive snow storm hit that would close the airport the next day due to 17 inches of snow, I mean, they were deicing the plane as I sat in it listening to--again, the irony--Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow), it was supposed to have been for the last time for possibly two years...at least, that was the plan. Little did I know that I would actually be returning less than five months later...
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Isabelle's birth story--the long version--Part 1
A blog highlighting the topic that is near and dear to all mothers, the moment we became mothers (found here: http://www.themompledgeblog.com/search/label/Defining%20Moments) and the fact that May 6 will mark two years since I returned to the United States for the last leg of my pregnancy journey have me thinking about what I went through to bring my youngest into the world almost two years ago. It was quite an emotional and very unexpected journey. My husband and definitely did not anticipate that we would be having another child so soon even though our oldest was almost 4 when I became pregnant again. We hadn't even really decided if we were going to have another child when I became pregnant but life has a funny way of happening while you're busy making other plans.
The birth of our oldest daughter, Natalie, did not go at all the way I wanted it to. I had planned to have as natural a birth as possible but it all went awry when I was hit with back labor in the early morning hours of December 26, 2005. The whole story is here: http://theworldofnatalie.blogspot.com/2006/02/miss-natalie-has-arrived.html
It was one of those situations where I had never felt so out of control in my life. It was absolutely not at all what I had expected my daughter's birth to do. I felt more like I was just watching it all unfold and not part of it at all. And afterward, a number of things happened that just made those feelings worse. She had to get poked many times because of her weight which meant concerns with blood sugars. They were low (big surprise, I hadn't eaten in hours by the time she was born) so they gave us the choice to either give her formula or she would have to go to the NICU and have an IV put in her forehead. We didn't want her to have any formula at all but felt we had absolutely no choice in the matter whatsoever and that was hard on me, especially when later on I read all the stuff on the virgin gut and how anything other than breastmilk is detrimental for a baby. There was the fight my husband had with the pediatrician because he didn't want her to get the Vitamin K shot. I told him to go along with it though because I was worried about any complications from her traumatic birth. I had her get the eye drops too because of all the meconium not knowing that it's really only needed in the event of an STD which I absolutely did not have.
The hospital stay was a nightmare. I was SO exhausted but wasn't allowed to sleep because I was nursing. It seemed like every time I was finally able to go to sleep, I would be woken up to feed her. They would wake her up too and most of the nights, she would cry and it would be this squealing cry. She was very fussy her first few days of life because of all the poking she went through. The first nice a nurse even got frustrated with her! I was stuck to the bed and couldn't do anything and felt SO helpless! My husband worked nights so I was alone and tired and so horribly overwhelmed already. Our second to last day there, I sent her to the nursery to try and get some sleep. When she came back, she had a band aid on her foot. They had done the newborn screening without even asking us or telling us that they had done it. I was FURIOUS! More poking which meant another night of her being fussy. Friday came and though I would have been allowed to stay another night, I was DONE. I wanted to go home. By that point, I was in TEARS when the ped came in to do a check up and woke my daughter up again! My milk still hadn't come in yet and my nipples looked horrible. It was an absolute nightmare. And it didn't end then. For the next 15 weeks, I went through horrible pain while breastfeeding and almost gave up many many times. I did manage to continue despite all of this and nursed her until 10 weeks before her sister was born, when I left South Korea for the last time.
Still, due to that horror story of a beginning, the last thing I wanted to do was have another baby. One was enough. I could live with having an only child. And the older she got, the more I was okay with it. We didn't need another baby. I blocked out what happened as best as I could and tried not to think about it. I couldn't deal with what happened. I had gone through witnessing a murder only two and a half years before my daughter's birth as well as two murder trials and numerous court hearings and dealing with having my parents put in prison. Caring for a baby was too difficult of a job to deal with one more trauma in my life. I would just not have another baby and therefore, would not have to worry about dealing with all of this again. It took me six months to become pregnant with her so obviously, it would take some work to get pregnant with another one again. Enough said. Besides, my husband didn't want another one, we were both happy with having one, there was no need to even think about having another baby.
And so we didn't until our oldest started talking about wanting a little brother or sister. She would watch commercials on TV with babies and talk about how that baby was SO cute and why don't we have another baby. I remember saying to her one night to ask her daddy. So, when John came home from work, she did. We were in South Korea though and a pregnancy at this point would not be ideal but the thought was trickling in my mind that maybe we would think about trying again just before we leave...maybe. Apparently, the universe listens to the wishes of children more than it listens to those of adults because it wasn't long after that that I became pregnant.
The birth of our oldest daughter, Natalie, did not go at all the way I wanted it to. I had planned to have as natural a birth as possible but it all went awry when I was hit with back labor in the early morning hours of December 26, 2005. The whole story is here: http://theworldofnatalie.blogspot.com/2006/02/miss-natalie-has-arrived.html
It was one of those situations where I had never felt so out of control in my life. It was absolutely not at all what I had expected my daughter's birth to do. I felt more like I was just watching it all unfold and not part of it at all. And afterward, a number of things happened that just made those feelings worse. She had to get poked many times because of her weight which meant concerns with blood sugars. They were low (big surprise, I hadn't eaten in hours by the time she was born) so they gave us the choice to either give her formula or she would have to go to the NICU and have an IV put in her forehead. We didn't want her to have any formula at all but felt we had absolutely no choice in the matter whatsoever and that was hard on me, especially when later on I read all the stuff on the virgin gut and how anything other than breastmilk is detrimental for a baby. There was the fight my husband had with the pediatrician because he didn't want her to get the Vitamin K shot. I told him to go along with it though because I was worried about any complications from her traumatic birth. I had her get the eye drops too because of all the meconium not knowing that it's really only needed in the event of an STD which I absolutely did not have.
The hospital stay was a nightmare. I was SO exhausted but wasn't allowed to sleep because I was nursing. It seemed like every time I was finally able to go to sleep, I would be woken up to feed her. They would wake her up too and most of the nights, she would cry and it would be this squealing cry. She was very fussy her first few days of life because of all the poking she went through. The first nice a nurse even got frustrated with her! I was stuck to the bed and couldn't do anything and felt SO helpless! My husband worked nights so I was alone and tired and so horribly overwhelmed already. Our second to last day there, I sent her to the nursery to try and get some sleep. When she came back, she had a band aid on her foot. They had done the newborn screening without even asking us or telling us that they had done it. I was FURIOUS! More poking which meant another night of her being fussy. Friday came and though I would have been allowed to stay another night, I was DONE. I wanted to go home. By that point, I was in TEARS when the ped came in to do a check up and woke my daughter up again! My milk still hadn't come in yet and my nipples looked horrible. It was an absolute nightmare. And it didn't end then. For the next 15 weeks, I went through horrible pain while breastfeeding and almost gave up many many times. I did manage to continue despite all of this and nursed her until 10 weeks before her sister was born, when I left South Korea for the last time.
Still, due to that horror story of a beginning, the last thing I wanted to do was have another baby. One was enough. I could live with having an only child. And the older she got, the more I was okay with it. We didn't need another baby. I blocked out what happened as best as I could and tried not to think about it. I couldn't deal with what happened. I had gone through witnessing a murder only two and a half years before my daughter's birth as well as two murder trials and numerous court hearings and dealing with having my parents put in prison. Caring for a baby was too difficult of a job to deal with one more trauma in my life. I would just not have another baby and therefore, would not have to worry about dealing with all of this again. It took me six months to become pregnant with her so obviously, it would take some work to get pregnant with another one again. Enough said. Besides, my husband didn't want another one, we were both happy with having one, there was no need to even think about having another baby.
And so we didn't until our oldest started talking about wanting a little brother or sister. She would watch commercials on TV with babies and talk about how that baby was SO cute and why don't we have another baby. I remember saying to her one night to ask her daddy. So, when John came home from work, she did. We were in South Korea though and a pregnancy at this point would not be ideal but the thought was trickling in my mind that maybe we would think about trying again just before we leave...maybe. Apparently, the universe listens to the wishes of children more than it listens to those of adults because it wasn't long after that that I became pregnant.
Isabelle's birth story--the long version--Part 1
A blog highlighting the topic that is near and dear to all mothers, the moment we became mothers (found here: http://www.themompledgeblog.com/search/label/Defining%20Moments) and the fact that May 6 will mark two years since I returned to the United States for the last leg of my pregnancy journey have me thinking about what I went through to bring my youngest into the world almost two years ago. It was quite an emotional and very unexpected journey. My husband and definitely did not anticipate that we would be having another child so soon even though our oldest was almost 4 when I became pregnant again. We hadn't even really decided if we were going to have another child when I became pregnant but life has a funny way of happening while you're busy making other plans.
The birth of our oldest daughter, Natalie, did not go at all the way I wanted it to. I had planned to have as natural a birth as possible but it all went awry when I was hit with back labor in the early morning hours of December 26, 2005. The whole story is here: http://theworldofnatalie.blogspot.com/2006/02/miss-natalie-has-arrived.html
It was one of those situations where I had never felt so out of control in my life. It was absolutely not at all what I had expected my daughter's birth to do. I felt more like I was just watching it all unfold and not part of it at all. And afterward, a number of things happened that just made those feelings worse. She had to get poked many times because of her weight which meant concerns with blood sugars. They were low (big surprise, I hadn't eaten in hours by the time she was born) so they gave us the choice to either give her formula or she would have to go to the NICU and have an IV put in her forehead. We didn't want her to have any formula at all but felt we had absolutely no choice in the matter whatsoever and that was hard on me, especially when later on I read all the stuff on the virgin gut and how anything other than breastmilk is detrimental for a baby. There was the fight my husband had with the pediatrician because he didn't want her to get the Vitamin K shot. I told him to go along with it though because I was worried about any complications from her traumatic birth. I had her get the eye drops too because of all the meconium not knowing that it's really only needed in the event of an STD which I absolutely did not have.
The hospital stay was a nightmare. I was SO exhausted but wasn't allowed to sleep because I was nursing. It seemed like every time I was finally able to go to sleep, I would be woken up to feed her. They would wake her up too and most of the nights, she would cry and it would be this squealing cry. She was very fussy her first few days of life because of all the poking she went through. The first nice a nurse even got frustrated with her! I was stuck to the bed and couldn't do anything and felt SO helpless! My husband worked nights so I was alone and tired and so horribly overwhelmed already. Our second to last day there, I sent her to the nursery to try and get some sleep. When she came back, she had a band aid on her foot. They had done the newborn screening without even asking us or telling us that they had done it. I was FURIOUS! More poking which meant another night of her being fussy. Friday came and though I would have been allowed to stay another night, I was DONE. I wanted to go home. By that point, I was in TEARS when the ped came in to do a check up and woke my daughter up again! My milk still hadn't come in yet and my nipples looked horrible. It was an absolute nightmare. And it didn't end then. For the next 15 weeks, I went through horrible pain while breastfeeding and almost gave up many many times. I did manage to continue despite all of this and nursed her until 10 weeks before her sister was born, when I left South Korea for the last time.
Still, due to that horror story of a beginning, the last thing I wanted to do was have another baby. One was enough. I could live with having an only child. And the older she got, the more I was okay with it. We didn't need another baby. I blocked out what happened as best as I could and tried not to think about it. I couldn't deal with what happened. I had gone through witnessing a murder only two and a half years before my daughter's birth as well as two murder trials and numerous court hearings and dealing with having my parents put in prison. Caring for a baby was too difficult of a job to deal with one more trauma in my life. I would just not have another baby and therefore, would not have to worry about dealing with all of this again. It took me six months to become pregnant with her so obviously, it would take some work to get pregnant with another one again. Enough said. Besides, my husband didn't want another one, we were both happy with having one, there was no need to even think about having another baby.
And so we didn't until our oldest started talking about wanting a little brother or sister. She would watch commercials on TV with babies and talk about how that baby was SO cute and why don't we have another baby. I remember saying to her one night to ask her daddy. So, when John came home from work, she did. We were in South Korea though and a pregnancy at this point would not be ideal but the thought was trickling in my mind that maybe we would think about trying again just before we leave...maybe. Apparently, the universe listens to the wishes of children more than it listens to those of adults because it wasn't long after that that I became pregnant.
The birth of our oldest daughter, Natalie, did not go at all the way I wanted it to. I had planned to have as natural a birth as possible but it all went awry when I was hit with back labor in the early morning hours of December 26, 2005. The whole story is here: http://theworldofnatalie.blogspot.com/2006/02/miss-natalie-has-arrived.html
It was one of those situations where I had never felt so out of control in my life. It was absolutely not at all what I had expected my daughter's birth to do. I felt more like I was just watching it all unfold and not part of it at all. And afterward, a number of things happened that just made those feelings worse. She had to get poked many times because of her weight which meant concerns with blood sugars. They were low (big surprise, I hadn't eaten in hours by the time she was born) so they gave us the choice to either give her formula or she would have to go to the NICU and have an IV put in her forehead. We didn't want her to have any formula at all but felt we had absolutely no choice in the matter whatsoever and that was hard on me, especially when later on I read all the stuff on the virgin gut and how anything other than breastmilk is detrimental for a baby. There was the fight my husband had with the pediatrician because he didn't want her to get the Vitamin K shot. I told him to go along with it though because I was worried about any complications from her traumatic birth. I had her get the eye drops too because of all the meconium not knowing that it's really only needed in the event of an STD which I absolutely did not have.
The hospital stay was a nightmare. I was SO exhausted but wasn't allowed to sleep because I was nursing. It seemed like every time I was finally able to go to sleep, I would be woken up to feed her. They would wake her up too and most of the nights, she would cry and it would be this squealing cry. She was very fussy her first few days of life because of all the poking she went through. The first nice a nurse even got frustrated with her! I was stuck to the bed and couldn't do anything and felt SO helpless! My husband worked nights so I was alone and tired and so horribly overwhelmed already. Our second to last day there, I sent her to the nursery to try and get some sleep. When she came back, she had a band aid on her foot. They had done the newborn screening without even asking us or telling us that they had done it. I was FURIOUS! More poking which meant another night of her being fussy. Friday came and though I would have been allowed to stay another night, I was DONE. I wanted to go home. By that point, I was in TEARS when the ped came in to do a check up and woke my daughter up again! My milk still hadn't come in yet and my nipples looked horrible. It was an absolute nightmare. And it didn't end then. For the next 15 weeks, I went through horrible pain while breastfeeding and almost gave up many many times. I did manage to continue despite all of this and nursed her until 10 weeks before her sister was born, when I left South Korea for the last time.
Still, due to that horror story of a beginning, the last thing I wanted to do was have another baby. One was enough. I could live with having an only child. And the older she got, the more I was okay with it. We didn't need another baby. I blocked out what happened as best as I could and tried not to think about it. I couldn't deal with what happened. I had gone through witnessing a murder only two and a half years before my daughter's birth as well as two murder trials and numerous court hearings and dealing with having my parents put in prison. Caring for a baby was too difficult of a job to deal with one more trauma in my life. I would just not have another baby and therefore, would not have to worry about dealing with all of this again. It took me six months to become pregnant with her so obviously, it would take some work to get pregnant with another one again. Enough said. Besides, my husband didn't want another one, we were both happy with having one, there was no need to even think about having another baby.
And so we didn't until our oldest started talking about wanting a little brother or sister. She would watch commercials on TV with babies and talk about how that baby was SO cute and why don't we have another baby. I remember saying to her one night to ask her daddy. So, when John came home from work, she did. We were in South Korea though and a pregnancy at this point would not be ideal but the thought was trickling in my mind that maybe we would think about trying again just before we leave...maybe. Apparently, the universe listens to the wishes of children more than it listens to those of adults because it wasn't long after that that I became pregnant.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
I got into this website back in January, I think and I'm simply hooked. I have found SO many great ideas for homeschooling and organizing and more. I have over 1000 pins now, most of them for homeschooling in various subjects. It's nice to have a visual showing of all of the things I find interesting online. I have even used it to give my younger sister ideas for her wedding. She's not quite as addicted as I am but again, it's SO helpful to have that visual which regular bookmarks do not provide. Not that bookmarks aren't a help, I still use those too but I'm likely to use them to bookmark a website whereas with Pinterest, I might pin a specific page within that site that contains an idea I may use later on.
Now, I'm taking my use of the website one step further (or is it farther?) and adding in pins of things I have actually made. Years ago, before I went to Korea, I made nursing necklaces for moms who had little nurslings who were prone to grabbing and pinching and pulling and more. I really got into it and enjoyed it but it wasn't easy to find the beads I needed to use and when we went to Korea, the project was abandoned altogether. I actually miss doing things like my nursing necklaces and other craft projects. I haven't been able to get into it as much this time around with the new little one because I haven't had the same amount of time I used to have back when Natalie was a baby. We lived in a different area and my husband was able to take her out more. It would be nice to get back into it again though because I did enjoy it, just hard to say if I would get back into selling with restrictions being the way they are now.
Anyway, if you want to check out my page, go here: http://pinterest.com/simplyjaneen/
Now, I'm taking my use of the website one step further (or is it farther?) and adding in pins of things I have actually made. Years ago, before I went to Korea, I made nursing necklaces for moms who had little nurslings who were prone to grabbing and pinching and pulling and more. I really got into it and enjoyed it but it wasn't easy to find the beads I needed to use and when we went to Korea, the project was abandoned altogether. I actually miss doing things like my nursing necklaces and other craft projects. I haven't been able to get into it as much this time around with the new little one because I haven't had the same amount of time I used to have back when Natalie was a baby. We lived in a different area and my husband was able to take her out more. It would be nice to get back into it again though because I did enjoy it, just hard to say if I would get back into selling with restrictions being the way they are now.
Anyway, if you want to check out my page, go here: http://pinterest.com/simplyjaneen/
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